(PHONE RINGS THREE TIMES, PICK UP)
GK: Hello?
SS (MIDWESTERN): Duane? It's me. Your mother. Remember?
GK: Mom?!?
SS (MIDWESTERN): Now don't get all alarmed. I didn't call you about Mother's Day tomorrow. I'm not expecting you, I know you won't come, and I am all right with that. I've worked through it. I only called to find out how you are. How are you?
GK: I'm fine. Mom. Thank you for asking. How are you?
SS (MIDWESTERN): I didn't call to talk about that. I called to ask about you. Have you found anyone yet?
GK: How do you mean?
SS (MIDWESTERN): You know how I mean.
GK: If you mean, do I have a girlfriend -- I'm seeing someone, yes.
SS (MIDWESTERN): You're seeing someone?
GK: Right.
SS: A girl?
GK: Yes, a girl.
SS: A girlfriend.
GK: You could say that, yes.
SS: Then I think I will. --Now I've been thinking about that book you wrote-- you know -- the book you've sent to 143 publishers and they all turned it down?
GK: 134, Mom.
SS: What was the title of that?
GK: Felicitous Compulsions. A novel.
SS: Felicitous Compulsions. Right. Listen, Duane-- if nobody will publish it, why not publish it yourself? Just get that book out there. And if you can't afford to do it, your dad and I would be thrilled to help out.
GK: I can't ask you to do that.
SS (MIDWESTERN): We want to do it.
GK: Well, I don't want you to.
SS (MIDWESTERN): I have the copy that you sent me.
GK: Mother, please--
SS (MIDWESTERN): I could print up a couple thousand copies and your dad and I could go door to door and sell them.
GK: Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN): I'll just correct the misspellings and some of the grammatical mistakes in it and get it out there for people to read.
GK: Misspellings?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ): You keep getting there t-h-e-r-e and their t-h-e-i-r mixed up. T-h-e-i-r is a possessive pronoun. T-h-e-r-e is a place. Sometimes an adverb, sometimes a noun. And then there's t-h-e-y-apostrophe-r-e which you sometimes get mixed up with t-h-e-i-r.
GK: This was in my manuscript?!!??
SS (MIDWESTERN): I don't think it's why those 143 publishers turned it down, but yes--
GK: Well, let's just forget about it.
SS (MIDWESTERN): I think there were plenty of other reasons to turn it down, other than spelling and grammar.
GK: Let's just forget about it, okay?
SS: And you just forget about Mothers' Day this year. We're not going to that restaurant ever again. Not after what happened last year.
GK: You mean the food poisoning?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ): Seventeen hours hunched over the toilet, Duane. Seventeen hours, and so much pain and agony. It reminded me of your birth.
GK: Here we go.
SS (MIDWESTERN): At least when you're done giving birth you have something to show for it. Or you think you do.
GK: So no brunch this year?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ): We're having it at our place. We're going all out. A five-course catered meal with linen tablecloths and candles and waiters in tuxedoes serving mimosas and goat cheese omelets. And a harpist.
GK: At your house?
SS (MIDWESTERN): Yes.
GK: Well, how many people are coming?
SS (MIDWESTERN): I have no idea. Whoever wants to.
GK: How many did you invite?
SS (MIDWESTERN): I didn't invite anybody. I'm tired of having to hear excuses for not coming. So-- it's just me and your dad and an empty place at the table for whoever wants to show up.
GK: Do you have placecards?
SS (MIDWESTERN): I intend to enjoy Mother's Day for all it is worth. I have to make my own bliss now. The clock is ticking down and I don't have many Mother's Days left and if I don't start enjoying it now, then when will I?
GK: Do you even want me to come?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ): I don't know how to answer that, Duane.
GK: How about yes or a no--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ): There is just so much pain -- such a history of rejection -- I frankly don't care if you come or not.
GK: I'm going to come.
SS (MIDWESTERN): I don't think you should.
GK: Then why bring it up?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ): I don't want you to come because you feel you ought to.
GK: Mom. Yes or no.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ): After 57 years, Duane, I am starting to learn to enjoy life without you. So it makes no difference to me.
GK: If you want me to come, I'll come.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ): If you're going to sit there sighing and rolling your eyes and picking at your omelet, then you can just stay home and write another novel.
GK: Mom, yes or no.
SS (MIDWESTERN): I think I'll just invite a homeless person to come.
GK: I'll be there, Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Somebody who spent the night in a cardboard box, I'll bet they'd enjoy a gourmet meal with a couple of nice older people.
GK: I'm coming, Mom. It's all decided.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Maybe we'll see you on Memorial Day.
GK: Mom, come on.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Dad and I bought a gravestone. Did we tell you that?
GK: Mom, I'm coming.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Don't bother.
GK: I'll get dressed up. I'll be there.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Is that t-h-e-r-e or is that t-h-e-i-r the possessive.
GK: Both, Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Whatever. Brunch is at l1.
GK: Okay, see you tomorrow. Looking forward to it.
SS (MIDWESTERN): Bye Duane, love you!
GK: Love you, Mom. Bye now.
SS: Bye now.