GK: It's March, a cruel month when the number of people going berserk rises suddenly (CRAZY LAUGHTER) -- people who have to be hauled away (MALE ATTENDANTS, CRAZY LAUGHTER) and put in the loony bin, and it's also the month when your house is most likely to fall down on your head because of the freeze-thaw-freeze-thaw cycle that causes your home to contract, expand, contract, until finally (SLOW COLLAPSE AND DESTRUCTION, EXPLOSIONS) your home is gone. And most homeowner insurance does not cover weather stress collapse. Which may lead people to go berserk. (CRAZY LAUGHTER) March is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship. It's warm and the ice is melting so you go for a walk (TR INHALES, SATISFIED, FOOTSTEPS) and you're feeling great and then you walk on the shady side of the street and there's ice there and (SLIP, TR CRY, CRUNCH, TR PAIN) you're down, and you've broken your hip, and that's it for you. You're finished. Doesn't matter how old you are-you break your hip and you're down for the count. The hip fracture wards are filling up (MOANS OF PATIENTS) and there is not much doctors can do --
TK: I'm afraid you're going to be walking funny for the rest of your life, Mr. Tibbetts.
TR: Oh nooooooo
TK: Sort of a sideways scuttle, like a sand crab. No more tennis for you. Maybe some badminton.
TR: Noooooooooo
TK: You can play golf but when you tee up, you want to turn about 30 degrees clockwise.
TR: Noooooooooo.
TK: Let me just check and see how it's doing. Tell me if this hurts.
TR SCREECH
GK: So what do you do? Do you put your house up for sale in the worst housing market we've had in decades so you can move to Las Vegas where the sidewalks are dry? No you do not. The sidewalks are dry in Las Vegas because they have no water, and within 6 weeks you would dry out like a seed pod (SFX) and start hallucinating (SFX) and then men in white coats would come and take you away. So don't do it. Just sit tight and listen to the radio. Stay indoors. These are the most treacherous days of winter... when it seems like spring and so you're tempted to go for a walk without a jacket (TR CONFIDENCE, FOOTSTEPS) and you're looking up at the limbs of trees, looking for green buds, looking for birds, and suddenly (SLIP, TR CRY, CRUNCH, TR GROAN) -- you're down. And there's nobody around, except for (WOLF HOWL). And...
GK: ...then a cold front moves in, a polar tsunami, the temperature drops 40 degrees in 20 minutes (WIND) and that wolf is hungry (WOLF SNIFFING, GROWLING), and the sun goes down --
TK: Heeeellllp! Heeellllllp!
GK: People look out their windows but they can't see you over the snowbanks-
SS (MIDWESTERN): Is there someone out there?
TR (MIDWESTERN): Nope. Just the wind. Close the shades, let's go to bed (SHADES CLOSE)
(WOLF GROWL TK YELLS)
GK: And this is the cruelty of March. Better to just stay indoors. Listen to the radio. Professional radio announcers will let you know when it's safe to go outdoors.
(KLAXON)
TR (ANNC): This is the spring alert system. Had spring arrived, we would have said so. This concludes this test of the spring alert systems (KLAXON).