GK: After this message from the Federation of HMOs & Health Insurance Providers, your partners in health care. (MUSIC)
(RESPIRATORY VENTILATOR)
SS: Dad is so much worse today.
TR: He's got some sort of infection.
SS: It's a staph infection he picked up here at the hospital.
TR: If only we'd listened to our health insurance company and kept him at home---- (MUSIC)
GK: Hospitals are dangerous places, full of sick people, and when you go there, you're liable to encounter germs and bacteria that can make you even more sick. That's why the Federation of HMOs says --- "Stay home and see if you don't feel better in a day or two."
SS: How you feeling, Pops?
TR (GEEZER): Like a million bucks, Julie. All I needed was a good night's rest and a glass of mineral oil.
SS: And that old doctor of ours was trying to get you to go to the hospital!
TR (GEEZER): Woulda killed me for sure!
SS: Lucky for us that we asked our local HMO what to do.
TR (GEEZER): By golly, those folks sure know their stuff when it comes to health.
GK: Your HMO is more than just an organization; it's an active partner in taking care of your body. That's why we say, "Think twice before you call your doctor." Doctors are paid to tell you that you're sick. Your HMO would rather you be well. Who can you trust?
(HARD COUGH)
SS: I could just shoot myself for taking Frank in to see the doctor today. Had a hangnail and they gave him an MRI and he got a hoof-and-mouth disease from sitting in the waiting room and tuberculosis to boot. (GROAN OF MISERY) Dang it. We were supposed to go to the Bahamas and here we are in a hospice instead. If only we'd taken vitamins instead.
TR (KIRK DOUGLAS, TYPE): This is Dr. Jack Daniels. As a physician, I'm shocked at the poor sanitary conditions in our hospitals and clinics, and that's why I urge all my friends to stay home if you're sick and take Vitamin E and Gingko Biloba and see if you don't feel better in a week or two. And don't overlook the power of prayer. When you take care of yourself, you're being treated by someone who cares about you. Self-help: it's how Americans have always dealt with illness.
GK: A message from your HMO and Health Insurance Provider.