TR: So. Last show, huh?
GK: Yeah.
TR: So how does it feel?
GK: Well, it's the first last show I've ever done so I don't know how it's supposed to feel.
TR: Yeah, but how does it feel now?
GK: You're asking me how it feels? I'm from the Midwest, Tim. Remember?
TR: Oh yeah.
GK: You may as well ask, How does Tuesday feel? How does parking your car feel?
TR: How does it feel?
GK: It feels like Tuesday. We're stoics. We're brought up to suppress our feelings.
TR: Right. But you're going to miss it, though.
GK: Parking my car?
TR: Doing the show.
GK: Tim, radio was an accident. It was never my ambition. My ambition was the circus. And that's what I'm going to be doing starting Monday.
TR: I had no idea.
GK: There's never been a circus act with a chimpanzee, a chicken, and a Chihuahua before.
TR: Wow.
GK: Watch. (WHIP. CHIMP. CHICKEN. DOG.) It's taken me years to train them.
TR: What sort of tricks do they do?
GK: Chicken puts her head in the chimp's mouth while the dog does a backflip. Like this. (CHICKEN ANXIETY, CHIMP, DOG YIP)
TR: So this is what you're going to do----
GK: When you've been writing a new show every week for years and years, it's so enjoyable to do one trick over and over day after day.
TR: I guess so.
SS: So. Last show, huh.
GK: Yup.
SS: So how does it feel?
GK: That's what Bob asked me today.
SS: You talked to Bob?
GK: He talked to me.
TR (DYLAN): How does it feel?
To be at the end
Going round the bend
On your final descent
Toward the ground, my friend,
Like an ice cream cone
Or a foreclosed loan
In the twilight zone.
Quite a milestone.
GK: Thanks, Bob. You planning to retire?
TR (DYLAN): Not me, babe.
No, no, no, not me, babe.
It ain't me who's gonna retire, babe.
SS: So how does it feel?
GK: It feels like something ends and something else is going to happen.
SS: That's all?
GK: That's enough.
TR (REAGAN): I'll tell you this. Some of us are going to miss this show a heck of a lot because ever since I died, this is the only show where I get to say what I think. You have been awfully good to us ghosts.
TR (JOHN WAYNE): That goes for me too, Pilgrim. Except for my occasional guest appearances on your show, my acting career is pretty much over.
TR (STEWART): And you've kept me alive, too. I was a big star in this town and then you die and you're a big nobody and people stand up and do a Jimmy Stewart impression and the kids look at each other and say, Who's that?
TR (BOGART): Yeah? Well, I'll tell you this. The kids all know who I am because I made a great movie and you wasted your time on those lousy westerns. They keep playing my movie again and again, Sam. (SINGS) You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss
But classics never die.
They still watch "Casablanca"
As time goes by.
TR (ITALIAN): And that goes for me double. I was a big star in the Three Tenors and then----- PPPPPP ----- Pavarotti became Ptui. Except here. (SINGS) La donna e mobile, qual piuma al vento,
muta d'accento, e di pensiero.
Sempre un amabile, leggiadro viso,
in pianto o in riso, e menzognero.
FN: So----- your last show, huh?
GK: Life is a show, Fred.
FN: So you're not afraid that life after broadcasting is going to be boring?
GK: In St. Paul, Minnesota? Are you kidding?? No, Fred, because when I got my FCC radio operator's license back in 1939, a man had to know Morse Code and semaphore code, and when you know Morse Code (DOTS, DASHES, ELECTRONIC), then you are tuned in to a world of constant crisis. (DOTS, DASHES) That's a signal from a deserted mineshaft a few miles from here. My chance to fire up the chopper (CHOPPER WARMING UP) ----- c'mon, Shep--- (WOOF) and head off to rescue that darned kid who fell down the hole (CHOPPER FLYING, VOICE ON RADIO) ---- Niner-six, heading 180 East Northeast---- making a descent---- set off a rocket and let the kid know we're coming (ROCKETS) ---- and in we go, Shep. (WOOF) Oh oh. Look up there. (SFX) ...
GK: ...Meteoroid heading for earth. We've got about two minutes. Gotta notify that submarine in Lake Superior. (DOTS, DASHES) Okay. He's on it. (KLAXON, OFF) Submarine is surfacing, preparing to fire. (SFX) Oh no. (SFX) A mutant dolphin is heading for the sub. A crazed dolphin (SFX) Gotta set the chopper down on the mine head. Fire a signal rocket. (SFX) And shoot the dolphin with a tranquilizer dart. (SFX) And lower the winch into the mine. (SFX) Grab hold of it, Timmy. (FN: I GOT IT) (SNAKES) Uh oh. Big copperheads. ---- Gotta pull you out fast, Timmy. (SFX) There. (MISSILE) There goes the missile. (EXPLOSION) Blew up the meteorite. You okay, Timmy. (FN: WOW, YOU SAVED MY LIFE, MISTER)
Good I retired from radio when I did, Timmy. Let's head home. (WOOF) (CHOPPER)
TR: ADVENTURES IN RETIREMENT. Stories of people in the twilight years doing things they never dreamed were possible. Join us next week when we hear Mr. Wyler say:
(WIND)
GK: I used to be afraid of heights and now here I am at the top of a 200-foot tower about to dive into a wet sponge. (BIRDS FLY BY) Well, at 73, what do I have to fear except fear itself? One. Two. (BIRD SHRIEK) It's that dang raven, after me again. Get away. (BIRD: NEVERMORE)
BIG THEME