(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
(PIANO)
GK: It was spring and I was in Minneapolis, a nice town if you're coaching girls' soccer but if you're a private eye, a shamus, a snoop, and your income depends on human treachery, then you're going to have some slow months, take it from me. I was in town cause I heard rumors that the Five Spot was for sale, so I stopped in to see my friend Jimmy.
DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
GK: So---- How's it with you, Jimmy?
TR (JIMMY): Not so good. They're changing the name to the Big Kahuna Carnival Lounge. Bringing in two tons of sand and a fire pit with flames and I'm supposed to lose twenty pounds so I can go around without a shirt.
GK: Who owns it now? Joey died ---- right?
TR (JIMMY): Two years ago. Left it to Chanterelle.
GK: His girlfriend? The old stripper?
TR (JIMMY): Yeah. You wouldn't recognize her. She had a really unfortunate face lift and now her hair flies up when she hiccups. And her eyebrows ---- it looks like somebody just goosed her.
GK: So I suppose she's gonna rip out the jukebox, huh?
TR (JIMMY): Karaoke, Guy.
GK: What a joke. Why would I want to listen to some account executive sing when I could listen to Fats Waller? Peanuts Hucko. Muggsy Spanier.
(CELLPHONE RING) Excuse me. That's me. (PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here.
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, does the name Guinness mean anything to you?
GK: Yes, it does. It means beer made from the wrong recipe that they forgot to put in a cooler.
SS (ON PHONE): Well, it also means the Guinness Book of World Records, and I'm calling to see if you'd investigate a man who claims to have broken wind for fifteen minutes without interruption.
GK: Fifteen minutes?
SS (ON PHONE): Yes. That's what he says. And his wife says.
GK: I imagine she would know. And this is a world record?
SS (ON PHONE): Yes. Thirteen minutes, six seconds is the existing world record. Anyway, this guy ---- we need to check him out. Make sure it's one long emission and not a couple hundred pops and fizzles. That's why we called you.
GK: You know, I'm a detective, not a methane detector.
SS (ON PHONE): We'd pay. $800.
GK: You're making this hard, you know that, don't you.
SS (ON PHONE): He says he'd be ready to go right after lunch.
GK: I donno. Let me think about it. (CLICK)
TR (RICO): Hey Guy.
GK: Rico, I'm busy.
TR (RICO): I need your help.
GK: What is it, Rico?
TR (RICO): I gotta get my daughter into a top Montessori School, Noir. She's four. The wife's got her heart set on this Montessori in Prospect Park --- twenty percent of their graduates go on to Ivy League colleges.
GK: Out of nursery school, they go to college?
TR (RICO): Not right away. Eventually. Anyway, it's top-ranked and the wife says get Madison in or else, so I'm coming to you with the Or Else.
GK: You've applied?
TR (RICO): She did great on the aptitude test, had great recommendations, great essay, but the interview didn't go well. She broke the admission officer's nose.
GK: Aha.
TR (RICO): So. Here. Get it done. (STING)
GK: He paid me twenty-five grand to get his daughter into kindergarten and I hated myself for taking the dough, but I went up to Prospect Park and the Little Citizen Montessori Pre-School on Malcolm Street, where I found a man in a red cape playing a marimba.
FN (SINGS):
Shoulder to shoulder, we get our work done
And the younger learn from the older and we always have fun.
And the girls and the boys get to make their own choice.
MARIA!!! THERE ONCE WAS A TEACHER MARIA!!!
AND EVER SINCE SHE CAME
SCHOOLS HAVE NEVER BEEN THE SAME TO ME.
SAY IT SOFT AND YOU TELL A STORY,
SAY IT LOUD IT'S EXCLAMATORY
MARIA----- MONTESSORI-
GK: Excuse me, sir----- I'm here representing the Machiavelli family----- little Madison Machiavelli???
FN: Oh yes. The little girl who called me a poophead and gave me the flying mule.
GK: Flying mule? Little Madison??
FN: She took a run and next thing I knew her boots were in my face.
GK: Well, she needs help with boundaries.
FN: I think she ought to be deported.
GK:So you can't admit her.
FN: A five-year-old who can do the sleeper hold---- I don't think she fits into the Montessori vision, Mr.-----
GK: Noir. Well, I think she does. In fact, I know she does.
FN: How do you know that?
GK: Sir----- it would be so easy for there to be an infestation of bedbugs at Little Citizen School.
FN: What are you saying?
GK: Bedbugs and lice and deer ticks, sir. It would be in the papers Monday morning. Children infected with Lyme disease. Streptococcus. West Nile.
FN: Are you threatening me, sir?
GK: Not a threat. It's merely a suggestion.
FN: Let me reexamine Madison's application.
GK: How quickly can you do it?
FN: I just did it. She's in.
GK: Excellent. A pleasure working with you, sir. (BRIDGE)
GK: So put a swizzle stick in it. (FAST FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Mr. Noir, I'm from Guiness, we spoke on the phone. This is Mr. Strumpf.
FN (TIGHT): I don't think I can hold this much longer.
GK: Look----- you've got the wrong guy.
FN (TIGHT): Who's got the stopwatch?
SS: Just be a witness, Mr. Noir.
GK: I'd rather not.
FN (TIGHT): Ready or not, here it comes. (LONG HIGH-PITCHED RIPPING SOUND, LONG)
TR: Man, this is something. Care for a smoke, Guy?
GK: No thanks, Jimmy, I gave it up. Hey---- no----- Jimmy
(BIG EXPLOSION)
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye......