(WESTERN THEME)
(HORSES HOOVES, AMBIENCE)
GK: Well, here we are in Spokane, Dusty. I hope I get a chance to sing my song.
TR: Oh boy. Not another one.
GK: This is a good one. (STRUMS, SINGS)
When it's springtime in Seattle
Spokane I dream of you
Cause it rains from May to July
And a man could catch mildew.
Seattle's a rain forest
And the wood will not combust
So I'm headed off to Spokane
Where a fellow does not rust.
Yodeladi-yodeladi-aye-A.
There is more.
TR: I imagine so. Here's a saloon here. Let's stop. (WHOAS, HORSES WHINNY, CHUFF.) Long day on the trail, good to have something cool to drink. And I can make a few more phone calls.
(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
GK: You and your fundraising.
TR: It pays 10 cents a call plus a percentage. Got to do something for cash flow. Songwriting sure doesn't do it.
GK: Want to sit at the bar or take a table?
TR: Bar.
GK: Okay. (SCRAPE OF CHAIRS, SQUEAK)
TR: Order me a whiskey, okay? (DIALS PHONE. RING, PICKUP) Hello, I'm calling from your public radio station to ask that if you value us, that maybe you'd----- (VOICE) Yes, it is our membership drive. (VOICE) Okay, well, thanks for your time. (CLICK, DIALING UNDER.....)
KB: Gentlemen---- What can I bring you?
GK: Whiskey for him, cranberry juice for me.
KB: Okay.
TR: Howdy. Calling from your public radio station. How you doing tonight? (VOICE) Oh you are. (VOICE) Uh-huh. Okay. Sorry about that. (CLICK)
KB: Here's the whiskey. And here's the cranberry juice. Enjoy.
(DIALING, RING, PICKUP)
TR: Evening, did you ever stop to think how much you would miss this listener-supported service if we just went away? (VOICE) Okay, well thanks for sharing that with me.
GK: Drink your whiskey, Dusty. Give it a rest.
(LARGE SLOW FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
FN: Okay everybody, it's me, the Big Messer, and I am on the warpath. Things have gone far enough in this town. Hear me??? I remember Spokane when you'd see friendly people and you'd sit around and chew the fat and reminisce and it was sociable and people'd say, "let's get together and do this again" and you did. And now?? People sit home and go on Facebook. and if they ain't Facebookin' they are textin' on their i-Phones. Hey you! Lulu Belle. Hey!!!!
KB: You talking to me?
FN: Take those things outta your ears. (POP, POP) There. Join the world, kid. You might learn something.
(PAUSE)
TR: What you looking at me for?
FN: What's that cellphone in your hand for?
TR: What's it to you?
FN: Put that cellphone down on the counter.
TR: What's your problem?
FN: On the counter.
TR: Okay. Okay. (CLUNK) I don't get it. (GUNSHOT, BREAKAGE) (SHOCKED REACTIONS)
FN: There. One less iPhone in this town.
GK: I don't see that you have any right to do that, Mr. Messer.
FN: Oh you don't, huh? Well, look around you. This saloon used to be lively, people arguing, people playing poker. Now look at em. They're all on their iPhones, their notebooks. Texting, Liking, Friending. And nobody's talking. What is this? A glass of cranberry juice? Ha! (GUNSHOT, GLASS BUSTS). There. Have a beer. It's more sociable.
GK: Put your gun down nice and slow, Mr. Messer.
FN: Aha. Nice little peashooter you got there, cowboy.
GK: You just destroyed my partner's personal property, sir.
FN: So what?
GK: You owe him for what you destroyed.
FN: Who's gonna make me pay? You? That gun don't scare me.
GK: Well, it oughta.
FN: Who's gonna make the sound if you pull the trigger, cowboy? I'm the sound effects man. Your gun can't fire without me.
GK: Oh yeah. Well ----- I just put a silencer on it.
FN: Very cute. Very cute. But you still can't shoot me because I put my gun down (CLUNK) and now I am unarmed and that would go against the Cowboy Law. Am I right?
GK: Okay then---- how do you want to settle this?
FN: How about a spitting contest?
GK: I got licorice in my mouth....not done with it. How about we arm-wrestle?
FN: Got a sore shoulder. How about a spell-off?
GK: Okay. A spell-off. Sprezzatura.
FN: Okay, not a spell-off. How about a legal showdown?
GK: What's that?
FN: We'll see who knows the most laws. You go first.
GK: The First Cowboy Law.
FN: Always drink upstream from the herd. ----Murphy's Law.
GK: That's easy. Whatever can go wrong, will. --- Parkinson's Law.
FN: Uhhhhh. Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. --- Peter Principle.
GK: Everyone tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Newton's Law of Motion.
FN: First, second, or third?
GK: Third.
FN: That's simple. For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. Like this. (HE SWINGS, KAPOW, GK REACT)
GK: Good example. That reminds me of the Second Cowboy Law. "Do not attribute to malice what can more easily be explained by stupidity." Like this. (HE SWINGS, KAPOW, FN REACT) Oh, sorry. My hand slipped.
FN: Okay. Smart guy. ----Occam's razor.
GK: Occam's razor.......When two or more explanations are offered, the simplest one is the best. ----Nilsson's razor.
FN: There is no such thing.
GK: Is too.
FN: You're making it up.
GK: Am not.
FN: Are too.
GK: Nilsson's razor. "Assigning more people to a task will always delay its completion."
(CELLPHONE RING)
TR: Hey. My phone works. (CLICK) Hello? (VOICE) Yes, ma'am, you pledge $10 a month and you get the tote bag and you get the full-color magazine, "Men of NPR: The Swimsuit Issue" ---- let me take down your credit card information.
GK: So you're opposed to social media, huh, Messer?
FN: It's a blight on society. Getting your news from Facebook and Twitter is like getting your protein from road kill. And it's killing public life in this country. The art of conversation is dying. It's dying!
(TEXT BOINK)
KB: Sorry. I thought I turned my phone off.
FN: Gimme that phone. (HE GRABS IT) "Hey babe, how's about dinner tonight?" That's from your boyfriend Dexter-----!
KB: Yes it is.
FN: He's sitting right over there in the corner.
KB: Yep.
FN: What's he doing texting you??? Whatever happened to conversation??
Hey, Dexter. You want to talk to her, come over and talk to her.
DR (OFF): You talking to me?
FN: Get over here.
DR (OFF): Let me download this video first.
FN: I'll download it. (THREE GUNSHOTS) There. All downloaded.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
DR: You shot my iPad.
FN: Someday you'll thank me. Tell her you're crazy about her.
DR: Now?
FN: Take her hand and tell her.
DR: Right here?
FN: Speak.
DR: What do you want?
FN: Not me. Her. Talk to her.
DR: Hi.
KB: Hi, sweetheart.
FN: Say more.
DR: What?
FN: Tell her you're crazy about her. You'd swim the seas for her.
DR: What seas?
FN: Okay, you'd swim the Spokane River.
KB: You would?
FN: Say yes.
DR: Yeah.
FN: Tell her you want to see her tonight. And you're going home right now and take a shower and shave and trim your eyebrows.
DR: I am?
KB: Oh Denny, that makes me so happy. Do you want me to wash your clothes?
FN: Gee, wouldja.
DR: Gee wouldja.
FN: Thanks.
DR: Thanks.
FN: Take her by the hand. Go over to the corner and whisper in her ear.
DR: Whisper what?
FN: You'll think of something.
KB (A SIGH OF LOVE)
GK: You owe me a glass of cranberry juice, Messer.
FN: Want me to squeeze a kiwi and put some petunia juice in it?
GK: No, thanks. You're fighting a losing battle with social media.
FN: Life is a losing battle, cowboy. That don't mean we should stop living.
TR: I'll drink to that.
GK: Me too.
(THEME)
KB: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by Seattle Brand Saddles ---- the only saddle that comes with safety belt and G.P.S. (WHINNY) (MUSIC OUT)