GK: Mr. Fred Newman our sound effects man was not always the top sound effects man in public radio today, once he was a mere office manager and he ran the copier (FAST WHAPPING SFX), and answered the telephone (RING. FN: Associated Federation of Organizations ), he unstopped the toilet (SFX), he worked the coffeemaker (PERKING), he repaired the cubicles (SAW, HAMMER), and one day when a demented horseman (SFX) rode his stallion up the stairs (SFX) and into the conference room, Fred fought him off (SWORDFIGHT), and threw him out the window (SFX) and then he went into the toilet to hide the fact that he was bleeding and he found that his left arm was dislocated (PAIN) and he reset it in the socket (SFX) and then, having no bandage, he wrapped a magazine around it (SFX) and there on the backpage he saw a classified ad (FN: Earn money beyond your wildest dreams as a sound effects man.) and that was the beginning of a new career. If you're tired of your current position, maybe you should think about sound effects as a career. Give yourself the sound effects aptitude test. Can you do chickens----- dogs panting------ a siren------- and here's the tough one: water dripping. Can you do drips? (AUDIENCE)
If you can, then you may have what it takes to succeed in the lucrative radio sound effects world. Earn good money in commercials for threshing machines (TRACTOR), vacation resorts (TENNIS GAME), hardware stores (DRILL), retirement villages (GEEZER SINGING: .I heard the news today, oh boy). Don't settle for a life of menial labor (COPIER), break out of the 9-to-5 (ROCKET BLAST), and get into sound effects. The money's good and in no time you'll be living on the California shore (SURF, GULLS), with your pedigreed dog (SFX), eating vegetarian food (SQUISH, SQUOSH), practicing meditation ((SITAR), and finding inner peace by embracing complete silence. Total silence. (DRIPS)