TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: It was May, and I wasn't getting many cases, so I was sitting working the crossword when Larry walked in-the bass player who lives in the basement.
LK: Hey.
GK: Larry.
LK: How come your door's open?
GK: I got a new security system and I haven't figured out how to use it. What is going on, Larry?
LK: Going to a baseball game today.
GK: Oh.
LK: With my cousin, Bruce.
GK: Okay. You happy?
LK: Basically.
GK: Still bashful?
LK: Yep. People stare at me.
GK: Because of the basin on your head?
LK: Yep. Keeps my face in place.
GK: Why a basin?
LK: Count Basie gave it to me.
GK: Why do you wear it?
LK: It improves the sound. Listen. Here's with the basin. (BASS RUN) And here's without the basin. (BASS RUN, FLAT)
GK: Maybe you should take up bassoon.
LK: Can't. Takes up too much space. My girlfriend loves the bass.
GK: A girlfriend?
LK: Bess.
GK: Where'd you meet her?
LK: Boston. On the bus.
GK: On the bus?
LK: I was a bus driver in Boston. She was my boss.
GK: She still in Boston?
LK: Spokane.
GK: What's she doing in Spokane?
LK: She's a spokeswoman.
GK: For what?
LK: They put on a spectacular called "Spackle Your Sprockets".
GK: A bicycle show.
LK: Basses on bicycles with baskets. And the spectators wear spectacles to see the whole spectrum of special effects like exploding spigots and expanding spaghetti and effigies of ex-presidents in expensive spandex suspenders.
GK: What do you want from me?
LK: Go to Spokane. Speak to her.
GK: Tell her what?
LK: Tell her I love her.
GK: Nothing more specific?
LK: Just tell her I love her. By the way, 24 across?
GK: Yeah?
LK: What bees do? Buzz.
(BRIDGE)
GK: And he closed the door. (SFX, COMPUTER, ROBOT: The door is closed.) So I called up the number he gave me (RINGING) and I was sure I dialed right, (PICK UP)---
KB: Yes? Hello?
GK: Bess?
KB: Is this Brad?
GK: No, it's Guy.
KB: Oh, you sound just like Brad. My agent. I was expecting his call.
GK: Real-estate agent?
KB: Talent agent.
GK: Aha. So you----
KB: I'm a singer-songwriter.
GK: Really.
KB: Would you mind giving me a quick opinion on something?
GK: Okay.
KB: Okay you would mind? Or okay you'll give me an opinion?
GK: You're an English major, aren't you.
KB: I am. Listen. Just for thirty seconds. (SHE CHANTS, CHORDING HARMONIUM)
Simple pleasures one knows are never endless.
Some people only know a necessary ecstasy.
(SPOKEN) So?
GK: Is that it?
KB: Did you like it?
GK: Is there more?
KB: You want to hear more?
GK: No.
KB: It's an experiment in repetition.
GK: Okay.
KB: Art is repetition.
GK: I didn't know that.
KB: The first letters of each word spell out "Spokane".
GK: Really.
KB (CHANTS):
Still perhaps our kinetic advantages need emphasis.
Stolen poetry opens karmic auras, naked energy.
Some pray on knees and narrow elbows.
Sopranos perform opera knowing artificial naturalism exists.
GK: Interesting. You from Spokane?
KB: My mother was.
GK: Okay. Well, good luck with your music.
KB: You don't want to hear more? (KNOCKING)
GK: Sorry, I've got to run. Bye.
KB: But---(CLICK) (KNOCKING)
GK: Yeah, give me a minute. Got to unlock the door. -----(KNOCKING) One second. (SERIES OF DEADBOLT LOCKS UNLOCKED. RATTLE OF LOCKED DOOR) Ah. I forgot I have to turn off the alarm. Just a minute! (MUFFLED VOICE) What was the password? Two words. Humble Beginnings. Contra sena, I think. (BEEPS, TAPS ON KEYS, (COMPUTER WHIRR, BUZZ, CLICK, BEEP (KLAXON ALARM) Nope, wrong. Home Boy. (TAPS ON KEYPAD) (COMPUTER WHIRR, BUZZ, CLICK, BEEP(SIREN) Nope. Wrong. Heavenly Blessings. (BEEPS TAPS) (COMPUTER WHIRR, BUZZ, CLICK, BEEP (ALARM: STAND AWAY FROM THE DOOR. STAND AWAY FROM THE DOOR.) Wait a minute. I remember. The password is White Man. Hombre Blanco. (TAPS, BEEPS, DOOR OPENS) Sorry. I just put in a new security system.
TR: Jeeze, what you got in here? Diamonds?
GK: No, trying out a new security system.
FN (ROBOT) You must now enter a new password. Six or more letters. One capital. One numeral.
GK: Okay. (SEVEN TONES, TAPPING ON KEYPAD)
FN (ROBOT): Too obvious.
GK: Okay. How about this? (SEVEN TONES, TAPPING)
FN (ROBOT): That is better. (DING)
GK: What can I do for you?
TR: My name is Spike. I'm from Spokane. I own a bar, the Pocahontas Club which is very popular among priests and rabbis and some Eskimo Christians and men who wear earrings. And now and then we get a chicken in here, but they have to cross the road to get in. And I'll never forget the day a rabbi, a preacher, a priest, and a blonde walked in and I said, "What is this? A joke?" The blonde was wearing pantyhose and when she farted, her ankles swelled up.
GK: Right. When did men start wearing earrings in Spokane?
TR: Ever since their wives found the earrings in the car.
GK: What about the Eskimo Christians?
TR: Eskimo Christians and I'll tell you no lies.
GK: Okay. What can I do for you?
TR: Well it's like this, I almost got married a month ago. I went to pick up my girlfriend and she said, "We're going to our wedding, why the golf clubs?" And I said, "Yeah, but it's not going to take all afternoon, is it?"
GK: Okay.
TR: It's like the two brooms who were hanging in the closet and they decided to get married. One was the bride broom, the other the groom broom. After the wedding, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!" She and I, that is.
GK: Okay, did you come in to tell me something?
TR: I'm getting to that.
TR: It's like this guy comes in and asks me, "Do you have any Campari?" And I'm like, "Do I have Campari! Look down here!" I take him to the basement and there's a hundred cases of Campari. "Boy, you must sell a lot of Campari," he says. "No, but the man who sells me Campari --- he sells a lot of Campari."
GK: What does this have to do with your wedding?
TR: Don't interrupt.----So he has a few glasses of Campari and goes and gets into his car and a cop walks up and says, "Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" And the man says, "Officer, your eyes seem to be glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" So the man drives away and he's weaving all over the road and the cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, you're drunk!" And the man says, "Thank goodness, I thought the steering was gone." This same man a few months later was driving down the same road with his wife and hit a bridge abutment and both of them were killed and they went to heaven and it was beautiful, and they were both full of bliss and the man turned to his wife and said, "You know, if you hadn't made me stop smoking, I could've been here years ago."
GK: Sir?
TR: Yes.
GK: Why did you come in here?
TR: If I tell you, promise you won't laugh?
GK: I haven't so far.
TR: I entered a pun contest. I sent in ten different puns, in the hopes that one of them would win. And no pun in ten did.
GK: Is that a joke?
TR: No, but I'm trying to remember one of the puns.
"Why did the scientist disconnect his doorbell?"
GK: I have no idea. Go Google it.
TR: I tried that but Google said, "Because he was stapled to the chicken."
GK: But that's not the punchline. Google it again.
TR: I did and it said, "Well, I was inside this refrigerator."
GK: Ask Siri.
TR: She said, " Because she was trying to read the waffle iron."
GK: Not right.
TR: I asked Yahoo, and it said, "There's no place like chrome for the Hollandaise."
GK: Listen. I can't help you. Okay? Go ask somebody else.
TR: Please----
GK: Go. Please. (RATTLING OF LOCKED DOOR) Dang it, the door's locked.
FN (ROBOT): DO NOT SHAKE THE DOOR)
GK: I'm trying to throw somebody out of my office.
FN (ROBOT): YOU MUST USE THE PASSWORD)
GK: Hombre Blanco.
FN: THAT IS NOT THE RECOGNIZED EXIT PASSWORD. KLAXON ALARM)
GK: You mean you need a separate password to exit?
FN: THAT IS CORRECT)
GK: How about you give me a clue? (COMPUTER WHIRR, BUZZ, CLICK, BEEP)
FN: WHAT'S BROWN AND SOUNDS LIKE A BELL?
GK: What's brown and sounds like a bell? (SIREN)
FN: WRONG PASSWORD ENTERED.
GK: I was only repeating the question. Okay?
FN: Okay. What is brown and sounds like a bell?
TR: Dung!
((COMPUTER WHIRR, BUZZ, CLICK, BEEP)
(DINGS, DOOR OPEN)
GK: Hey. You got it. Thanks.
TR: That reminds me of a knock-knock joke.
GK: Please. No. Go away.
TR: Knock knock.
GK: (SIGH) Who's there?
TR: Control freak now you say "control freak who"? (CHUCKLES) Get it?
GK: Yes I get it. Bye. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) Oh. Larry. You've been sitting here all this time?
LK: Her name wasn't Bess. It was Grace. I just thought of it. (HE SINGS) Grace skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face.
GK: Grace rhymes with bass.
LK: Exactly.
GK: So you love her, huh?
LK: We got along really well, after this one time---- we got in a fight and she was so mad she wouldn't speak to me and so I just picked up my bass and I play the bass and she started talking and we were okay. Everybody talks during a bass solo.
GK: I didn't know that.
LK: It's true. You're not making much progress on that crossword, Guy. 28 across --- creamy soup ---Bisque.
GK: Thanks.
(THEME)
TR: (ANNC) A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)