...brought to you by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
So you grew up in Minnesota and you get tired of that Minnesota accent --- (FN: Hey, how's it goin' then? Whatcha up to now? You okay there?) and tired of all of that politeness----- (TR: Oh excuse me. FN: Pardon me. TR: I'm sorry. FN: No, I'm sorry. TR: I got in your way---- you go ahead. FN: No, you go. TR: After you. FN: Please. I insist.), that whole uncomplaining stoical Minnesota culture ---- (TR: How are you? FN: Fine. TR: How's the job? FN: Fine. TR: I heard you were sick. FN: I'm fine now.TR: Did your wife leave you? FN: Yes, but it's fine. TR: I heard you were convicted of a felony. FN: Yes, but I only got a fine. TR: Must've had a good lawyer. FN: Benjamin Fine.) and one night your wife drags you to the opera, a new work called "Hamsters of Sorrow" and it's very weird----- (VIOLIN, PIANO)
JR (SINGS, ATONALLY): I am running as fast as I can
A caged animal on a wheel
And I am getting nowhere.
(SHE SINGS HAMSTER SQUEAKS)
GK: And at intermission, everybody is okay with that. (TR: Well, it's interesting. FN: Yeah. Keeps your attention. TR: Her squeaking is really something. FN: I hear the composer won the Pulitzer Prize. TR: It's experimental but I like it.) And then, one day while coaching your daughter's little league team you tell the pitcher she throws like a girl. (SD: I am a girl. You got a problem with that? TR: No! I meant that as... a compliment?)
GK: You're sentenced to fifty hours of community service, wearing a day-glo vest and picking up trash on the interstate (TRAFFIC ZOOMS PAST) and that's when you decide to move to Texas.
TR: That's it. I'm outta here. (HARLEY REV) I'm gonna git me a big dog and a big hat and big hair. And I'm gonna start using the word "git".
GK: And you go to accent school.
FN: Y'all.
TR: Yawl.
FN: No. Y'all.
TR: Yall.
FN: Again. Y'all.
TR: Yawl.
FN: Better. Y'all.
TR: Y'all.
GK: And you head for Houston and in a club called Little Joe's you get in a poker game with a man named Koch and your solemn Minnesota face spooks him and he folds and you lay down your cards----
TR: Pair of sixes.
FN: WHAT?????
GK: And you, sir, have just won you an oil well. (TR WHOOP) And you go visit it, outside of town (OIL PUMP, CLUNKING) and you lean down and you smell gas---- (TR: WHEW) and you bring in a crew to put in a gas pipe (JACKHAMMER) and sure enough, you hit natural gas (BIG POOF OF FLAME) and you start fracking (TR, FN, ALTERNATE: "FRACK" VARIOUS PITCHES, RAPID) and you are getting richer and richer, ten million, a hundred million, a billion, you're so rich you don't pay to go see other people's operas, you commission someone to write one for you.
JR (SINGS, MEZZO, HABANERA): I believe in lowering taxes Especially for the investor class
And deregulating banks and Wall Street,
Agriculture, and oil and gas.
I am in favor of a strong military,
Strict constructionism in the courts.
An end to socialized medicine,
And public subsidy of professional sports.
GK: And then one day (BUBBLING, BUILDS) hot molten lava comes up from deep below (GUSHING) and where there was only a molehill, now there is a mountain (GROAN OF TECTONIC PLATES) and you name it for yourself, Mount Bill---- (TR: YEE HAW) and you bring in snow machines (SFX) and you make the first ski slope in south Texas and you have a big opening ceremony (CANNONS) and a parade (BAGPIPES) and twirlers (BATONS SPINNING), fanfares (TRUMPETS), and a laser light show for the kids (LASERS SHOOTING) and a fashion model skiing down the slope, carrying a torch (SKIING, JR SINGS: When you ski down a slope, hold your head up high, and don't be afraid of the trees. Go as fast as you can and absorb the bumps leaning forward and bending your knees) and as she skiis out onto the flats you see terror in the faces of onlookers (SFX). Texans are terrorized by snow. Nobody comes to your ski resort. Days go by. Nothing. (TR SOBBING) You're losing a pile of money every day. The
bank repossesses your snow machines (TR SOB), your ski lift (TR BIGGER SOB), your bagpipes (BAGPIPES DEFLATING).
And then, in your distress, you make a tragic mistake. (FOOTSTEPS) Walking through a mall, you need to use a toilet, and you head for the Men's but a pillar obscures the W-O at the beginning of the M-E-N and you walk in (FOOTSTEPS) and suddenly (JR SCREAM) and you dash out (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) but the word is out that you are a transgendered person (WHISPERING, MUTTERING) and this is not something that people in the oil and gas industry are prepared to accept. The city brings a lawsuit against you as a public nuisance and (GAVEL) you lose and they take over your ski resort and you find yourself in the Greyhound Bus Station.
(TR BUS ANNC: Now boarding on platform eleven for Tulsa, Kansas City, Des Moines, Dubuque, Winona and St. Paul) and you get aboard the bus with a few dollars in your pocket (BUS REV AND PULL AWAY) and there's a man sitting next to you.
(FN: Hey, how's it goin' then? Whatcha up to now? You okay there?)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
SINGS: But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought
ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.