(WESTERN THEME)
MH: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Lubbock Brand Lube In a Tube ...(SQUIRT OF GREASE) it gets windy in west Texas and you're going to want more than hairspray, otherwise the wind can blow that bouffant right off you. Lots of bald people out there who'll tell you. They wish they'd used Lubbock Lube in a Tube. Keeps your hair nice and tight.
(HORSE HOOVES WALKING, WIND BLOWING. DISTANT DOG)
TR: Man, this does not look right at all.
GK: It sure doesn't. Check your map.
TR: Don't have one. It blew away yesterday.
GK: You know something, Dusty. I believe our GPS lady has misled us. This does not look like Austin, Texas to me. I see no capitol dome, no street of music clubs, no statue of Jefferson Davis. All I see is a fuel tank and a saloon and a man who's been standing very still for a long period of time.
TR: Hey you!
FN: Who? Me?
TR: We're lookin for Austin, Texas.
FN: Well, it's not lookin for you.
TR: What's that mean?
FN: You're all filthy and wind-blown and Austin redid itself and it's a place of glamor and fashion.
GK: No place that has a state legislature can be said to be glamorous, mister.
FN: Well, the other part of Austin is. And they wouldn't want you.
GK: So where are we then?
FN: You're in the town of Laustin.
TR: Laustin?
FN: Laustin, Oklahoma.
GK: Well, I'll be danged. How'd we make that mistake?
FN: That's what we're all asking.
GK: Let's go into this saloon here, Dusty. Get us a beer.
TR: Thanks for the information, sir.
FN: There's more but that's enough for now. (FOOTSTEPS, SALOON DOOR OPENS, CLOSES. FOOTSTEPS)
MH: You two gentlemen look like you could use a bath and if you were planning to do it in my washroom, I would seriously discourage it. Meanwhile, what can I bring you to drink?
GK: You have a cold beer on tap?
MH: Depends on what you mean by cold. But yes.
GK: What kind of beer?
MH: Regular beer. Normal beer. If you're looking for the microbrews with the bouquet of caramel and chrysanthemums, we don't have that here. If that's what you want, I can go get you a caramel and a chrysanthemum and you can stick one up one nostril and one up the other.
GK: Okay. We'll have two of the regular ones.
MH: Mind if I see some money first? (SILVER DOLLAR DROPPED ON COUNTER, SPINS) Okay, that'll do. Two beers coming up. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)
FN: I see by your guitar that you are a singer-songwriter.
GK: I am. Heading for Austin to sell my song to a record company to put out there on the radio. Let us skip the formalities and I will play some for you. (GUITAR STRUM)
A horse and a dog, a gun, a guitar, and old Glory.
That's all you need to be happy in Texas.
A horse and a dog, a gun, a guitar, and old Glory.
And maybe a member of one of the opposite sexes.
And we don't care if a woman comes in the john
We'll help her with the urinal, it's not easy to climb up on.
A dog and a pickup, a rifle, Old Glory, and whiskey
That's all you need here in the Lone Star state,
A pickup, a dog, a rifle, a flag, and some bourbon,
And a girl with a ten-button sweater who can only fasten eight.
MH: That is the worst dad-blamed song I ever heard in my life and I have heard some lulus. If you wrote that when you were drunk, then you need to change your brand of whiskey. Your music ought to be downloaded with a shovel. Here's your beer, mister. (TWO CLUNKS)
TR: You got an opener?
MH: I just use my teeth. (SHE GRUNTS, TWICE, TWO BOTTLE CAPS POPPED) There.
GK: I appreciate your critical opinion, ma'am.
MH: I got a lot more of em.
GK: I have a feeling that when I get to Austin, my ship is going to come in.
MH: Only ship coming for you is hardship.
GK: Well, when you've got music in you, you gotta get it out.
MH: Yeah and I've got a splinter I gotta get out. Don't mean I'm gonna make you watch.
GK: Music is different.
MH: Tell me about it. I used to have a boyfriend who wrote songs.
GK: I've heard that line so many times. A person could write a song about it.
MH: I did already. (SHE SINGS) I used to have a boyfriend who wrote songs.
And then he wrote one about me.
He said I was the moon and the stars except brighter
And I thought, if I'm that good, why do I live with a writer?
So I started up a nice romance with a boy named Lance
Who owns a ranch.
GK: That was not bad. Rhymed and everything.
(BRIDGE)
(HORSE HOOVES)
GK: Well, guess we're headed for Austin, huh? Should be there in a week or so.
TR: I reckon you're sore at me for running off with that dance hall floozy, ain't you.
GK: No, no.
TR: You're sore at me. I can tell.
GK: Not sore at all.
TR: Anyway, nothing happened so you needn't be envious.
GK: Not a problem.
TR: I unzipped her dress and thought we were going to get down to business but then she started writing about it in her journal and I must've fell asleep because when I woke up she'd written a book of short essays on the concept of being with me. Meanwhile the person of me hadn't even taken his boots off.
GK: That's the problem with falling in love with college graduates. They prefer to look at things from a distance. They like to have perspective.
TR: So what we going to do in Austin?
GK: Sell my song and get out of the cowboy business. I'm too old for this.
TR: And what if we don't sell it?
GK: Then we keep on riding down the trail of ignorance. It's like Will Rogers said. Nobody's smart, we're all ignorant, just about different things.
TR: He was from Oklahoma, I believe.
GK: He thought so too.
(THEME)
MH: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS........brought to you by Lubbock Lube in a Tube (SQUORT) .....(MUSIC OUT)