GK: You watch an orchestra during a slow movement and you wonder, What are they thinking right now? Here is another in our series of documentaries entitled WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? Today: THE CELLIST.
PACHELBEL CANON
CB: God, this is boring. Why didn't I take up piano instead? Sit here sawing on this box between my legs.
My back is killing me. My arms feel like lumber. My butt has turned to stone. My stand partner keeps looking over at me. She thinks I'm holding the bow wrong.
I know I'm holding it wrong. I like holding it wrong. It makes cello playing more interesting.
Somebody asked Pablo Casals once how he was able to play the Bach cello suites for the thousandth time ---- he said, I find a woman in the audience and I imagine she's naked. And if she actually is naked, then I know I am playing really good.
Man, this reminds me so much of that Merle Haggard song. (SINGS)
We don't play the cello in Muskogee,
We don't even play the violin.
We call it a fiddle and it's lonesome,
No matter what key you play it in.
CB: The maestro standing up there waving his arms around. What's that joke about the conductor? There are so many of them. The one about the maestro who's sent to the electric chair for murder and they try to electrocute him and can't because he wasn't a very good conductor.
Oh god, I'm lost. I should've practiced this piece. Instead of watching dangerous airplane landings on YouTube.
That bass ---- God, he's almost sticking that bow in my ear. Get away. And play with some rhythm, for God's sake. That's what bass is for. It's not for any musical interest, God knows.
Did I remember to send all my 1099's in to my accountant? Is it the 15th yet? It will be by the time this piece is over.
That violinist. It sounds like the cats died a hard death when they made those strings. He does this thing with his mouth when he plays a high note. It looks like he's trying to say something in French.
Oh wow. Woman in the fifth row. Just high enough that I can see her Spandex. But who's the yoyo with her? Probably her ex-husband. Definitely something Ex about him. She's looking at me. Oh God. This is so exciting. She is definitely studying me.
Sweetheart, I wish you could hear me play the Bach suites. You would be amazed. I'm free. I mean that. In every sense of the word.