(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME)
GK: It was April and I was in New York City working for a guy who I'm not supposed to say who he is but his name is on a lot of buildings here and in Atlantic City and Chicago and so forth. I was hired by his publicity person, Heidi Hopewell.
SS: You know, I been in the business for thirty years and thought I knew which news you stifle and which news you pump up, but this guy, sometimes he drops a bomb and his numbers go up. Hard to figure.
GK: So what's new?
SS: Well, the stuff about punishing women who get an abortion --- I think we've turned the corner on that. And the campaign manager getting in a wrestling match with a reporter cause he thought she might hurt the candidate with her pencil. We can survive that. And then today---- listen to this. (CLICK)
TR (TRUMP): Can you believe it? They ask me, would I use nuclear weapons as president? Well look, I'm not saying I would, not saying I wouldn't. I think it totally depends on the situation. Totally. I'm very, very smart about this nuclear stuff, nobody's smarter than me on nuclear okay? Frankly, I'm not gonna start something, but if somebody starts something, I will tell you this---- I am gonna totally finish it so it stays finished. Okay? And so, I'm not going to say no I wouldn't because that's what stupid loser people do. No, I want them to think that I might. Unpredictable, I love the unpredictable. In fact, that's my strategy. They're looking over here, bing bong, you hit em over there. (CLICK)
GK: The guy does like to talk.
SS: And then today he was asked about the report that Antarctica is melting and the ocean's going to rise by six feet.
TR (TRUMP): Stuff happens, okay. Some people say it's global warming, some say no, and we're gonna look into all of that. All I can say is that my buildings are going to be even more valuable as islands. People love the Islands.
GK: What is going on in his mind that he talks like that?
SS: The man's mind is an echo chamber. You drop a rock in and it's a long time before you hear the splash. This is from last night's debate. Listen. (QUICK TAPE FAST FORWARD-CLICK)
TR (TRUMP): And lemme tell ya something, Cruz the Loser, don't you point that stinky finger at me or I will put that where the sun does not shine. Ya big dope
TR (CRUZ): Stinky finger is all you, Mr. Trumpkin. And, as for being a big dope...it takes one... to know one!
TR (TRUMP): that finger is disgusting, that finger has been in your nose----- can you believe this guy? Use a handkerchief.
TR (CRUZ): Well Donald, I knew you were windy but didja hear that, folks? Mr Trump just cut one. Cut a huge one...and, he's been cutting em all night. Thanks to you Donald...smells like somebody died in here.
TR (TRUMP): There he is, Lyin' Ted. That came from you, Lyin Ted. I bet you got scorch marks on your pants.
TR (CRUZ): I'm sorry, a smell that bad---- that could only come from you.
TR (TRUMP): Oh please, grow up. Just grow up.
TR (CRUZ): You grow up, Donald J.
TR (TRUMP): You started this, chicken snot.
TR (CRUZ): Who you calling "chicken snot"?
TR (TRUMP): Who do you think, chicken snot?
TR (CRUZ): You started it, Trumpkin.
TR (TRUMP): Oh please, your pants are totally smokin'. Liar, liar pants on fire. You know something? Let's both drop our pants right now. Let's do it. You do it, I do it, and we'll settle this once and for all, who's the biggest. He talks big but I guarantee, he's got nothing. Nothing. Come on. Drop trou. Be a man. Dare you, dare you, dare you.
SS: It's a little after that (TAPE FAST FORWARD).
GK: Hey, Heidi---- turn it off, someone's coming, I think it's him. (BIG FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
TR (TRUMP): Whaddaya mean, we're out of prime rib? I told you, prime rib. I didn't mean filet, I meant prime rib. Get real.
FN (IGOR): A hundred pardons, master. I will attend to this immediately.
TR (TRUMP): And I don't want Scotch Scotch, I want Trump Scotch. And my own wine. The Arc du Trump. Who do I need to talk to about this?
FN (IGOR): Me, master. Your faithful servant. Your every whim is my command.
TR (TRUMP): Go. Get it done.
FN (IGOR): Yes, master. (SCURRYING FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Boss----- how's it going? You know Mr. Noir----
TR (TRUMP): Okay, people, how are you going to get me out of this? I mean, I don't have to worry, right?
SS: Get you out of what, sir?
TR (TRUMP): Get me out of the race! I'm done. I got a huge lead in New York. How did that happen? What do I have to do? Shoot somebody in broad daylight?
SS: I thought we were out to win this, sir.
TR (TRUMP): Are you kidding? Just because you like to date girls don't mean you want to get married. How do I fold my hand and walk away?
SS: Yes, sir. We'll figure it out, sir.
TR (TRUMP): (SINGS) Fly me to New York and let me play on TV screens, Let me see what spring is like in long black limousines. (BRIDGE)
SS: Well, there's our problem for today. How are we going to get him out of this?
GK: We could have his campaign manager punch somebody else? Somebody who isn't a reporter. A Catholic nun maybe. A blind nun.
SS: Catholic nuns can be rough. Especially blind ones. Hey, Gino-----
FN: Yeah.
SS: You're the pollster. How do we get his numbers down where we want em?
FN: I've been researching that. Quickest easiest way is to get cat owners upset.
SS: Cat owners?
FN: He's got 60% of women against him now and if we get the cat owners aroused, we can make that 90%.
SS: So what do we do?
FN: Have a video of him picking up a cat by the tail.
SS: You are brilliant, you know that?
FN: Fifteen second video. Cat crawls up on his lap and he says, "Get off me, ya old fur bag" and pick it up by the tail and toss it.
GK: Kind of cruel to the cat.
FN: A moment of pain for a cat, and you save the world from an idiot.
SS: I think he's got it. (STING)
GK: Politics. Not my favorite line of work. I'd much rather be locating beautiful heiresses who ran away with their chauffeurs or demented tycoons who are wandering around making a spectacle--- well, actually, that's what this is, isn't it. Challenging. And at $1000 a day, it's hard to beat.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.