(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those cold dismal days in March when a man in the lonely fight for truth and justice thinks maybe he'd like to just find some warmth and comfort for awhile. But business was brisk. When there's a presidential campaign going on, people do need detectives to ferret out the actual from the make-believe. I'm a truth-seeker, have conscience, will travel ---- and that day I was in Milwaukee to meet a new client.
FN: Mr. Noir, I'm Marvin Maple, I'm with the Center for the Transfer of Truckloads of Cash To Guys In Dark Suits Who Are In Favor of the American Way ----
GK: You're a political donor----
FN: Exactly. And we're looking at a guy who we think is a good prospect.
GK: For president?
FN: Well, no ---- it's gonna be Donald Trump. But we think he'd be a good running mate. Which is almost as good because when Don gets in the White House, he's gonna need a lot of help. Talk to him. He's in the next room. Okay/
GK: Sure. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN) And there he was, sad eyes and all, a former contender. Governor Walker----
TR (WALKER): Hey, you recognized me.
GK: Of course.
TR (WALKER): Usually, people come up and say "Your face is sure familiar. "
Or they say, "You're famous for something, right?" Or they say, "Who did you used to be?"
GK: Well, I remember your run for the nomination very well.
Rush Limbaugh gave you a big endorsement. You started out in the lead.
TR (WALKER): Yeah, I remember that.
GK: So people were expecting a happy warrior and first thing you came out and bragged about shopping at discount stores. People look for certain qualities in a president but that fact that he goes around in a cheap suit and a $5 tie is not at the top of the list.
TR (WALKER): Yeah, I can see that now.
GK: And you're a mouth breather. Mouth breathers don't photograph well.
TR (WALKER): I wasn't aware of that.
GK: Their mouths hang open like they're horrified by something. It's not presidential. People want a president to have a firm jaw.
TR (WALKER): How about vice-president?
GK: Sir, it's been shown that candidates' ratings go up when their mouths are closed.
TR (WALKER): I'll try to remember that. (BRIDGE)
GK: I was in Milwaukee hoping to meet a young woman who called me on the phone the day before. I usually don't get emotionally involved with telemarketers but she was not like the others. (PHONE RINGS, PICK UP) Yeah, Guy Noir here.
CD(ON PHONE): Mr. Noir? I'm calling from the Bernie Sanders campaign and we were hoping you might send us five dollars today --- or less, anything helps ---- or if you could wear a Bernie button --- it wouldn't have to be on your lapel, it could be on your shoe or somewhere ---- because you're pretty old so if the answer is no, that's okay and anyway he's probably not going to win, which I shouldn't be telling you but I'm sure you know it, anyway my name is Isabella ---- Isabella Schmidt and, if you're not interested, it's okay, I won't take it personally --- okay? You there? If you hung up, it's okay. You're not the first.
GK: And I found it very moving and so I was hoping to go to Madison and meet her, but meanwhile I got a call from another client----
TR (TRUMP): Mr. Noir, it's me, Numero Uno, the King of the Hill, Top of the Heap, Top of the List, Number one. Mr. New York.
GK: I recognize the voice.
TR (TRUMP): Good. Cause this is me. You got that?
GK: I got that.
TR (TRUMP): You're talking to me. Sometimes, because I am incredibly busy travelling around the country, I hire an actor, Tim Russell, who does a pretty good me, but this is the real me.
GK: Good to know, sir.
TR (TRUMP): Super Tuesday. It was beautiful. Ran the table. It was absolutely fantastic. People are getting the message and right now I got fifteen million friends on Facebook, the sales of the cap and the T-shirts are going through the roof, and I couldn't be happier. It's unbelievable. My secret is---- I don't sleep. These other guys sleep eight, ten hours a night. Me? Three. Tops. Cause I'm from New York.
GK: Insomnia has some side effects, sir. Irritability. Poor judgement.
TR (TRUMP): You're a loser, Noir. That's your problem. Choke artist.
GK: But this week we read that you've been endorsed by the American Stoopnagel Party ---- did you hear about that?
TR (TRUMP): I heard something to that effect, yes.
GK: And were you going to disavow their support?
TR (TRUMP): Well, I'd have to find out more about their organization so I've got people looking into that right now.
GK: But this is the American Stoopnagel Party---- these people deny the force of gravity.
TR (TRUMP): I want to find out more about what they believe.
GK: These are ugly stupid people with cruel eyes and saliva running down their chins.
TR (TRUMP): Well, you hear bad things about them, you hear good things ---- I just want to know more about what they think.
GK: And you've been endorsed by The Box of Hammers Society. These people treat disease with leeches. Bleeding.
TR (TRUMP): I have to look into it. Okay? I just heard about this the other day and I've got people checking into it.
GK: The Box of Hammers Society? The Jackass Association? The Dodo Academy?
TR (TRUMP): I want to find out what their ideas are before I make up my mind.
GK: I think you're short on sleep, sir.
TR (TRUMP): I don't take advice from losers, mister. It's good you're not working for me, otherwise I'd sue you.
GK: I'm glad about that, too. (BRIDGE) Milwaukee seemed to be the crossroads of the whole campaign. The moment he stalked away, a very pleasant woman walked up and shook my hand and I could tell she knew her way around hand-shaking, it was just enough pressure, firm but gentle, warm but cool.
SS (HILLARY): I heard what you said about sleep and I couldn't agree more. I have worked hard to bring about a greater awareness of the importance of sleep. I support the right to sleep and I believe we must stop police intervention with persons sleeping in public places. I believe we need to work harder to prevent sleep disorders. I will make sleep apnea machines free for all Americans. I support later starting hours in public schools to allow children to get their sleep. We've come a long way on sleep issues but we have a long way to go
GK: Do you always speak in flat declarative sentences?
SS (HILLARY): I have worked for clear communication by public officials. I believe we need to reduce our use of the subjunctive clause and sentence fragments. I feel that excessive irony is a leading cause of uncertainty among young people.
GK: Okay, thank you.
SS (HILLARY): I have always felt that gratitude is basic to a sense of civility.
I believe the media need to focus more on the positive. (BRIDGE)
GK: I walked away and she didn't seem to mind. I walked into a cafe and didn't see any candidates around (VOICES, MURMURS) and took a seat in the corner, behind a tree, and -----
FN (WOMAN): Yes, may I help you?
GK: I'd like a couple of eggs, sunny side up, on rye toast, and a cup of coffee black, please. Side of sausage.
FN (WOMAN): What kind of cheese on your eggs? Cheddar, Colby, swiss, or provolone?
GK: No cheese.
FN (WOMAN): They come with cheese.
GK: I don't want any cheese. I don't eat cheese on eggs.
FN (WOMAN): The cheese is in the eggs. We feed cheese to the chickens and they lay cheesy eggs.
GK: I'll have oatmeal then.
FN (WOMAN): There is cheese in the oatmeal.
GK: Why?
FN (WOMAN): That's how it comes.
GK: The oats are grown in fields of cheese?
FN (WOMAN): Planes fly over and spray them. They're called crop-cheesers.
GK: Then skip the oatmeal. I'll have pancakes.
FN (WOMAN): Cheddar or Swiss?
GK: Skip that---- bring me a salad.
FN (WOMAN): Blue cheese or parmesan?
GK: You can't grow lettuce without cheese on it?
FN (WOMAN): Lettuce would die without cheese on it.
GK: I don't think so.
FN (WOMAN): We have cheese crews going through the lettuce fields----
TR (CRUZ): Excuse me. Did someone say Cruz?
GK: Senator Cruz.
TR (CRUZ): Call me Ted. As in "Trusted". I trust you're having a good day and I just want to thank y'all for being here and because you understand that this country is at the edge of a cliff and either we stand for principle and beat back the liberal assault on our way of life or else we kneel down and lick the dirt off the soles of Putin's shoes, and that's why I will make our military the mightiest fighting force on the face of the planet so that we can blow our enemies into tiny microscopic pieces. And then we're gonna be able to breathe. Breathe. Breathe. I know it's hard but breathe.
GK: I am breathing. Trying to.
TR (CRUZ): I'm going to help you by sitting on your chest and pushing hard, okay?
GK: I'd rather you didn't.
TR (CRUZ): Just want you to breathe free. (PUSH) There. And now again. (PUSH)
GK: You're rather heavy, sir.
TR (CRUZ): Am I going to have to do mouth-to-mouth?
GK: No. Please.
TR (CRUZ): I will not because mouth-to-mouth between men is not God's will.
GK: It's not my will, sir. Get off me. (STRUGGLE, BRIDGE)
I went to Wisconsin hoping to meet Isabella and instead I find myself in a crowd of overeager candidates and one candidate who gets more popular the more repulsive he is.
FN (MIDWEST): I like the fact that he says what he thinks. He's not like all them others, Rita Mae.
SS (MIDWEST): And he don't care what they think because he's not dependin' on them suckers for money.
FN (MIDWEST): He says stuff we'd like to say but we can't because if we did, people would think we were stupid, but he says em.
SS (MIDWEST): And more and more people are getting behind him.
FN (MIDWEST): We were afraid of sounding dumb but it turns out that maybe we are the majority.
SS (MIDWEST): The below-average majority.
FN (MIDWEST): That's us. The poorly educated and proud of it. (BRIDGE)
GK: I headed for the airport to catch a flight back home and there he was again.
TR (TRUMP): Hey, you want a lift on my plane, I've got a 757 waiting for me, got a private suite for you if you like, beautiful woodwork, toilet is just tremendous, tremendous flush, it just takes it and blows it out like artillery shells----
GK: In mid-air.
TR (TRUMP): Of course. Say---- I was meaning to ask. The Lincoln Memorial. There's a lot of wasted space in there. I'm thinking shops and a restaurant. And the statue ---- I'm thinking it should be updated. Most people got no idea who Lincoln was. He is totally over. I could replace the head with the head of someone who's better known. What you think?
GK: The National Park Service would refuse to do that, sir.
TR (TRUMP): If I told them to do it, they would do it.
GK: They would not.
TR (TRUMP): You don't know me, do you.
GK: I'm getting to know you.
TR (TRUMP): I resemble that remark.
GK: Good. (STING) Wherever you are, Isabella, don't lose hope. It's a good country. We can make America good again. So let's do it. Call me. Be in touch.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)