GK: I was walking around downtown St. Paul the other day, planning to stop in at Mickey's Diner for a chili and grilled cheese and stopping by Coney Island for a hot dog and then Candyland for a bag of caramel corn and a couple pecan clusters, and I was distracted by the streetcar going by (SFX, DINGING, RUMBLE) and then I felt a hand on my arm.
VS: Hello.
GK: Yes?
VS: How are you this afternoon?
GK: Afternoon---- it's still morning---- no?
VS: No. It's later than you think. The sun goes down in less than an hour.
GK: Oh gosh. Where does the time go?
VS: Indeed. --- Let's talk about it. ---- Come in.
GK: Where?
VS: In here.
GK: I'm sorry. I can't. I've got too much to do.
VS: No, you don't.
GK: They're expecting me at work.
VS: They're not.
GK: No?
VS: No. Your office has been made into a rest area. People go there now to take naps.
GK: When did this happen?
VS: Remember when you called in to the office and said you were working from home?
GK: Yes?
VS: That was almost a year ago.
GK: So?
VS: They changed the locks on the doors. Your parking space was given to a vice-president. Your stall in the men's room has been reassigned.
GK: You mean----? What are you saying? What is this building?
VS: Welcome to the Beloved Old Broadcasters Home. The
BOB House. We've been waiting for you. Come. (HESITANT FOOTSTEPS)
GK: I don't know. Let me think about it.
VS: We've been waiting for you.
GK: I don't think I'm ready for this.
VS: I think you're going to like it here. Come in.
GK: But I'm not old enough. I'm only in my very late sixties.
VS: May I see your driver's license?
GK: No!!!!!!!!
VS: Come in. (HE SINGS, to "SCARBOROUGH FAIR")
Welcome to the Broadcasters' Home
Charley, Grace, Rosemary: it's time.
Got a room with a private phone
And the heat turned up to 79.
GK: Listen. I'll call you later.
TR: Hi there, fella. Maynard Speece, WCCO. Remember? Trading in hogs was brisk. 350-375 lbs. boars, 12.55-13.25, and 300-350 pounders going at 11.75 to 13.15. And canners and cutters, 150-175 pounders, 10.35 to 10.75.
SS: Hello there---- come in. Remember me? I was Aunt Betty on "Storytime". Every day at 10:45, we had graham crackers and milk and I read you an exciting story about personal relationships among small furry animals---
GK: That was before my time.
SS: Oh no. You remember. Squeaky the Squirrel and Topsy the Possum? Mister Muskrat? Chucky Woodchuck?
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (RUSH, OLD): Talking about leftwingers running our public schools, forcing the kids to sing communist songs and and read books about urban planning ---- what do you think? Is this what we want in America?
GK: Gosh, it smells of mildew in here. (FOOTSTEPS) Mothballs and Lysol and---- who's this? Oh no. Bob. Not you.
TR (SINGS):
It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It's gonna happen anyhow
Everyone gets older and they die, babe
Looks like it's happening now
And my rooster doesn't crow when I wake at dawn
And my back hurts bad and my memory's gone
And I go in the closet and I think it's the john
Don't think twice, it's all right
FN GEEZER): Hi there, old timer. My dad was a big fan of your show.
GK: Go away from me.
FN (GEEZER): Gramps was too. He sat me on his knee when I was just a little bugger.
GK: Make this man leave me alone.
FN (GEEZER): He worked in the copper mines and the dynamite affected his mental stability but your show calmed him right down. He stopped pulling the wings off houseflies and went right to sleep.
GK: Don't talk to me.
TR (OLD): Hey, I was Skipper on "Bobby Benson and the B-Bar-B Gang" ---- remember? I kept wandering into abandoned mine shafts and Buster the rescue dog came and found me. (BIG HEROIC WOOFS)
VS: How you doing, Mr. Wyler?
GK: I don't remember any of these people.
VS: Oh, I'm sure you do. How about the Lutheran Whispers Gospel Quartet? They sang every Sunday night at 10:30, songs to make Lutherans feel bad. Songs like ----
RICHARD, CHRIS, GK: (SING)
Why don't you put me in a room with a lock on the door
A lock on the door, a lock on the door
Why don't you put me in a room with a lock on the door
In case I should forget who I am
Well let's go down to lunch, today it's wieners and beans
My brother and there's chocolate pudding for dessert
And we'll look at naked women in old Playboy magazines
And hope we don't spill coffee on our shirt
(THEY HUM SOFTLY)
VS: Your room is right up here, Mr. Wyler.
GK: I'm not going.
VS: Don't be stubborn now. Right up those stairs and to the right. Lovely little room under the eaves.
GK: I have a memoir I want to write.
VS: What's the point? Nobody cares.
GK: You're right, aren't you---
VS: Of course I am.
GK: When it's over, it's gone.
VS: You're catching on (VS & GK SING, "ONLY REMEMBERED)
Fading away as we lose our brain cells,
Tottering, aging, so mercilessly
Young people pushing us over the cliff now
Out on the junkpile with all the debris
Out on the junkpile, Out on the junkpile,
Out on the junkpile, there we shall die
Discarded, forgotten, our legacy wasted,
Out on the junkpile, cruel world, goodbye
Shall we be missed by those who replace us,
Are you kidding? Miss us? No way.
All that we did for them, will be forgotten,
They will destroy it in about half a day
We're dust in a whirlwind, dust in a whirlwind
All that we've done, our style, our grace
Our wisdom, our stories, our keen sense of humor
All we held dear cruel time shall erase.
(FOOTSTEPS, DREAM CHORDS)
GK: Where'd they go? What happened?
TR (TEEN): You okay, Mr. Wyler?
GK: Where am I, Tommy?
TR (TEEN): You're at the Fitzgerald Theater.
GK: What's going on?
TR (TEEN): A show.
GK: What? Am I in it?
TR (TEEN): Fifteen seconds to a Jack's commercial.
GK: Jack's Auto Repair?
TR (TEEN): Ten seconds.
GK: What year is this?
TR (TEEN): Nineteen seventy-nine.
GK: Thank goodness. (INTO COMML)