TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: It was February, cold in Minnesota, and the pigeons on the window ledge (SFX) were pleading to be let in----- No. N-O. (PIGEON PLEA) Sure, you say, only for a minute and then I let you in and you'll be flying around (PIGEON PLEA) ---- Oh, don't get down on your knees like that. (PIGEON PLEA) Okay, I'll let you in for two minutes but you have to do a trick, okay? (WINDOW OPEN, BLAST OF WIND, PIGEON FLIES IN. WINDOW SHUT. PIGEON SHIVERING. PIGEON PLEA) All I have is some old branflakes. (PIGEON) Okay, but if I give you branflakes, you gotta promise not to poop, okay? (PIGEON) (BRAN FLAKES POURED INTO A DISH) There. And that's it. And remember what I said, about doing a trick. And just then. (KNOCKS) Yeah, the door's open, come on in. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)
FN: Citizen Henry King, Sons of Liberty, hereby taking charge of this facility in the name of the American people, under the authority of the Constitution, where it says that all rights not vested in the government shall belong to the people. Stand aside, sir.
GK: Henry, you were here last week. I told you, this is not a federal facility.
FN: I don't believe you.
GK: It doesn't matter. This is the Acme Building, Henry. We've been through this before.
FN: You're with the government and you're lying to me.
GK: Henry, I'm going to have to call the home to come and get you.
FN: This is a federal facility, you've got a flag flying outside.
GK: This is not a federal facility. Try the mailbox on the corner.
FN: You're just saying that to confuse me.
GK: You're already confused, Henry. Do the sisters at the home know you're out?
FN: It's a free country. Say, did you know there's a pigeon on your floor?
GK: I do. (KNOCKS) Come on in, door's open. (FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Henry, I told you not to wander off. Didn't you hear me?
FN: I'm taking over this federal facility, Sister Margaret, to protest the violation of our rights.
SS: Come on, let's go.
FN: I'm just exercising my rights.
SS: Exercise your right to remain silent. Let's go. (BRIDGE)
GK: Cold is a stimulant to clear thinking. I believe that. People run the thermostat too high and pretty soon they develop paranoia and they're up in arms about immunization or immigrants or eminent domain or imminent disaster. (KNOCKS) Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)
TR: YEAH, YOU GUY NOIR THE DETECTIVE?
GK: Would you mind speaking more softly, please?
TR: WHAT'S THE MATTER? THIS IS MY NORMAL TONE OF VOICE.
GK: Please. Lower your voice.
TR: WHAT'RE YOU WHISPERING FOR? SOMEONE TAKING A NAP IN THE NEXT ROOM?
GK: Not so loud. Please.
TR: How's that?
GK: Better.About half of that would be fine.
TR: How about there? That's as quiet as I get. I come from a big family.
GK: Thanks.
TR: You were quiet in that family--- you died of malnutrition.
GK: Appreciate that. What can I do for you?
TR: Grew up in North Dakota and it was a long way from the house to the barn. You had to yell.
GK: What's going on?
TR: The name is Peterson. I saw your name in Desperation Digest, the Magazine for Older Singles, and it said you could find women for men who've given up on dating, and that's me. (LONG HIGH FART) Excuse me.
GK: Well--- tell me about yourself.
TR: I'm single, 67, a weasel farmer, good physical shape, clean habits, happy as a clam. And I'm a realist. I'm not looking for a fashion model, just someone to be there so I'm not talking to the cat.
GK: You ever been married?
TR: Came close but the women who're attracted to me tend to be weepy. I don't know why. (LONG HIGH FART) Excuse me. Sorry.
GK: What sort of diet are you on?
TR: I'm on an all-cabbage diet right now, trying to take off the pounds.
GK: You're not a member of a militia, by any chance?
TR: Nope. Just a regular old Republican.
GK: I see.
TR: It saves time, don't you know.
GK: I suppose.
TR: I'm looking for a woman my age or younger. Stocky build. Good teeth. Not a big talker. A woman who will take charge.
GK: Okay. Would you object to a nun?
TR: A nun would be better than nothing. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I introduced him to Sister Margaret, who is a take-charge type and who'd been thinking of retiring from the home anyway, and she was interested.
SS: I almost married a guy once --- seemed normal. Handsome, loved travel, books, classical music, gourmet food, long walks, sunsets, the whole package, but then he told me a joke and that was the end of it.
GK: Oh?
SS: A booger joke.
GK: Well, of course.
SS: He laughed so hard that stuff came out his nose. I never saw him again. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I brought them together in my office. Mr. Peterson, Sister Margaret.
TR: You look good. Let me see your teeth. Good. Tell me to do something.
SS: Smile.
TR: Good enough. I like you. Marry me.
GK: That's kind of sudden, Mr. Peterson.
SS: I like a decisive man. The answer is yes.
GK: Listen, you two-----
TR: I know I look like an old farmer but underneath this placid exterior is a seething cauldron of steaming passion and raw feeling about to erupt --- (LONG HIGH FART) ----- excuse me. Marry me, and I'll sell the farm and we'll go to California, and listen to the surf pound on the shore and our hearts drumming out their urgent messages of human need and we will pick up the torch of love and make a bonfire that will never end. (SHORT HIGH FART)
GK: I wouldn't light a torch of love right now, sir.
SS: Sounds nice, but there's one question I have to ask you.
TR: What is it????
SS: Why do gorillas have big fingers?
TR: I don't know. Why?
SS: Because they have large nostrils.
TR: Okay. What's your point?
SS: Do you like books about snot?
TR: Didn't know there were any.
SS: The Wind In The Boogers, The Emperor's New
Booger, Ten Thousand Boogers Under The Sea, Anne of Green Boogers----
TR: Never heard of them.
SS: You're not laughing. I like that. Let's go. Which way to the courthouse?
TR: Thanks, Mr. Noir. (LONG HIGH FART) Sorry, Margaret.
SS: Not a problem. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I made two people very happy, and at some price to myself.
FN: Okay, hands up. Sons of Liberty here. Put your guns down.
GK: Henry, this is not a federal facility. Go back to the home.
FN: I'm here to defend the U.S. Constitution.
GK: You constitute a violation, Henry. Go. (PIGEONS) Listen, pigeons, you want bran flakes, you've got to do something for me. (PIGEON) Get this guy out of here. (PIGEON FLAPPING OF WINGS, FN CRIES OF DISTRESS. FLAPPING, CRIES OF DISTRESS OFF)
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.