(WESTERN THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS... brought to you by Santa Fe Secret G.P.S. ----- it's small, it fits in your pocket, and it's quiet. (FN: Psssst. Turn around.) Now, let's rejoin Dusty and Lefty for another exciting adventure.
(OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, HORSES' HOOVES)
GK: Well, Dusty, I do believe there is a town up ahead and I wonder if it isn't Esmeralda.
TR: Quite a promising name, Esmeralda. A person might imagine there are womenfolk there.
GK: Well, I'm just hoping for some grub. Some hot dish would sure hit the spot.
TR: The hot dish I am hoping to find is the kind with big hips and long curly hair. One of them liberal dance-hall floozies.
GK: You didn't find a girlfriend in St. Paul?
TR: Nope. Too cold. Too many layers of clothing. By the time you get em undressed, they're not in the mood anymore.
GK: Most beautiful women are not interested in forming a temporary relationship with a man with as much mileage on him as you have.
TR: In daylight, yes, that may be true. But when the lights are low, I am able to be as immature as anyone. And in a world where Donald Trump is a leading presidential contender, there are no hard and fast rules about anything anymore. Let's ride! Haw! Giddup! Let's go!! (WHINNIES, GIDDYUPS, GALLOPING HOOVES, INTO BRIDGE)
(FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, NIGHT SOUNDS)
GK: Town of Esmeralda is pretty quiet tonight. Looks a little down at the heels, if you ask me. Methodist church is boarded up and the schoolhouse on the hill looks like children have been throwing hard objects at it.
TR: I've felt that way about school myself.
GK: Hey, Old Timer-----
FN (OLD): Yessir?
GK: You got a restaurant in this town?
FN (OLD): We had a restaurant but it closed due to indigestion.
GK: Where do people eat then?
FN (OLD): They get married and they go home.
GK: How about a saloon?
FN (OLD): There's one, the Holy Moses, right up the street, but they're trying to close it.
GK: Why?
FN (OLD): Temperance ladies came to town.
TR: Oh boy. The old W.C.T.U. Women's Crackpot
Temperance Union.
GK: Is that the only one?
FN (OLD): Yessir.
GK: Thanks for the information.
FN (OLD): And there's a hotel up the street but it has bedbugs.
GK: Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS) Don't hear a piano player banging out "Camptown Races," Dusty. That's a good sign. Don't hear gunshots. That must mean there's no poker being played. And I don't hear hymns being sung, so those temperance ladies must have given up and gone home.
TR: Here we are, let's go in. (DOORS OPEN, FOOTSTEPS ON FLOOR)
GK: Don't turn and look but there is a gaggle of healthy young women sitting at that table over there in the corner. I believe we have chanced upon a treasure trove of pulchritudinous and femininity.
TR: You took the words right out of my mouth.
SS: Howdy, boys. Welcome to Esmeralda. You just ride into town. What can I do for you?
TR: I'd like a big glass of Kentucky bourbon. No ice, no fruit juice.
GK: I'll have a glass of root beer ---- you wouldn't happen to have an artisan root beer with a light floral bouquet with notes of oakiness and a long sassafras finish, would you?
SS: All I got is rotgut root beer, mister.
GK: I'll have that.
SS: Coming right up.
GK: Care to introduce us to the women sitting over yonder?
SS: That's the Methodist Women's Action League. They come and sit here every night. That's why I ain't got no customers.
GK: I knew a Methodist woman once. Lovely woman. Didn't want to kiss until she had a diamond on her finger but still. (FOOTSTEPS) Evening, ladies. Nice to see you all.
MAGGIE: What brings you to town, mister?
GK: Just in the mood for a little conversation, that's all.
SADIE: Where's your wife and your babies? You run out on them? Leave them crying in some lonely mountain shack so you can come to town and waste your money on drink?
GK: I became a cowboy so as to avoid having a wife and babies.
FLORADORA: You running out on some girlfriend down the road yonder who you lured with false promises about your intentions?
GK: No, ma'am. My girlfriend Evelyn Beebalo gave up on me long ago and married someone else and is quite content.
MAGGIE: We're here to help men such as yourself to reform and find a better path in life than hanging around in some smoky gin-soaked saloon hitting on every woman in sight.
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SADIE: Alcohol is the devil's instrument whereby countless men have found degradation and despair.
GK: I couldn't agree more.
FLORADORA: We're here to turn you toward the light.
GK: Yes, ma'am.
ALL SING:
Drink it in the evening, feel it in the morning
Drink it in the evening, feel it in the morning
Drink it in the evening, feel it in the morning
You're gonna wish you'd-a left it alone
Put down the whiskey, let the vodka go
Put away the brandy, and the Merlot
Throw away the beer and the Bordeaux
Sober up and go right home.
GK: This in the glass is just sarsaparilla. Root beer. No alcohol.
MAGGIE: But I see you are carrying a pistol.
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SADIE: We are in favor of strict gun control.
GK: This is the West, Ma'am. Out here, gun control means holding the pistol very steady as you take aim.
FLORADORA: What sort of deep-seated personal insecurity ---- perhaps dating back to early childhood, perhaps some trauma during toilet training ---- caused you to feel validated by carrying a loaded firearm?
GK: Ma'am, if you reached over to take this gun out of the holster, I would personally be thrilled. I would not resist whatsoever.
MAGGIE (SINGS, 9 LB HAMMER):
Why bring that pistol into town, boy
It's gonna cause trouble, as well you know
And if you get into one more fight, boy
I ain't gonna love you any more
ALL (SING):
Stay home, buddy, don't go to town
We'll do some yoga, it'll settle you down
Put the gun away, that .38
Stay home with me and meditate.
GK: Listen, I respect your point of view, I just don't see it gaining much traction out here in the wild West.
SADIE: We are Methodist, sir. Wildness does not particularly appeal to us. We leave that to the Baptists and the Holy Rollers.
GK: I saw a Methodist church, it looked all boarded up.
FLORADORA: The local riff-raff was using it for target practice so we boarded up the windows.
GK: Maybe you need a couple men to protect you. Two men with pistols.
FLORADORA: Our protection is the truth, mister. God's word is our sword and our shield.
GK: A sword might not be enough, ladies.
ALL (SING):
I'm gonna pick up my King James Bible
For I am no atheist
I am a consecrated disciple
I am a wild Methodist.
Hey hey come Sunday
Get down on your knees and pray
Hey hey what you say
Walking in the holy way.
(THEY HUM THE CHORUS, FADING, AND MID-LINE, THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT, HUMMING STOPS)
GK: Well, Dusty, they are some valiant women but I'm afraid too idealistic to take an interest in either of us.
TR: Yeah. Couple of filthy old cynical trail-weary saddle bums like us, hard to get the attention of a young woman nowadays.
SS: I guess it depends on what you mean by young.
TR: No offense, ma'am, but youth seems to have left the room, if you ask me.
SS: I'm young enough to be interested and old enough to know what's what. And I am eminently available. It'd take me ten minutes to lock up this saloon and my house is two minutes from here and we can open up a bottle of red wine and have at it until our standards are reduced to a reasonable level, what you say?
GK: I think that you are lovely, dark and deep but we have promises to keep and miles to go before we sleep---
SS: Where is it that you're going to?
TR: I don't know but we'll recognize it when we get there. Let's go, Lefty.
GK: Thanks for the root beer, ma'am. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys, brought to you by Santa Fe Secret G.P.S. for when you don't know where you are but you don't want anyone else to know that you don't.