Brought to you by Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
GK: So there you are living on the frozen tundra (BLIZZARD) and enjoying it ---- enjoying the fact you can skate to work (SFX) and you can carry an assault weapon to defend yourself against giant icicles that hang from the trees (SFX) and you have a pet moose who wears a muscle shirt and sings Mussorgsky (SFX) and you have a good job as a meteorologist but one day you lose your job because you use inappropriate language on the air ---- TR: I tell you, it's colder than a witch's (BEEP), cold enough to freeze the (BEEP) off a (BEEP) and you are fired (PENALTY BUZZER) ---- they strip you of your weather map (RIP) and slap you around (FOUR WHACKS) and you're thrown out in the cold (TR PLEADING, DOOR OPEN, BLIZZARD, HEAVE HO. DOOR SLAM) and you trudge from station to station looking for a job (TR: Will describe low pressure fronts for Food) and you walk along the railroad track picking up coal (ENGINE WHISTLE, PASSING) to heat your shack with and then one day, out of nowhere----
FN: Mr. Feffernan? Mr. Weather Wizard? It's me, your fairy godfather Bruce.
TR: Oh Bruce----
FN: Guess what? You deserve better than this. It's time your luck changed. So I'm sending you to San Diego!!!!
TR: This is a cruel joke, isn't it. You're going to get my hopes sky-high and then yank the rug out from under me and down I go, heartbroken, disillusioned.
FN: It's for real. Just stand still and click your heels together while I wave my magic wand. --- Wave, wave. ----- what is wrong? Oh. Forgot to turn it on. Ala kazam and golden Day-glo, Off you go to San Diego. (MAGIC ZING, AND POOF. SURF)
GK: And you're on the beach, old ladies out walking their tiny ill-tempered dogs (SFX), Joggers going by who seem to be on the verge of a coronary (SFX) and women pushing angry babies in strollers (SFX) go by. And the ocean crashing against high cliffs, and a big sign says----
TR: "Unstable Cliffs! Stay Back."
GK: And you step back and you step into a photographer (FN WOMAN SCREECH), who drops her camera.
TR: I am so sorry.
GK: And suddenly a seal (SFX) comes bounding out of the water and grabs the camera and (SEAL FLOPPING AWAY) into the surf it goes.
FN (LADY): My Leica!!! The lens alone is worth five thousand dollars!!!
GK: And what can you do, you give chase ----- you grab a surfboard from a guy (FN: HEY, DUUUUUDE) and into the water you go (SFX) and paddle as hard as you can and the seal is up on a rock laughing at you (SFX) and taking pictures ----(SFX) and a huge pelican flies over (SFX) and looks down at you and opens its huge beak and it barfs (SFX) about ten pounds of fish on your head (SFX) and now there are more seals around you and they are rather territorial (SFX) and they make it clear you're not welcome---
FN (SEALS): This is seal territory! No people. Beat it.
GK: And they are using the ocean for a toilet and that's not good. (TR DISGUST) And the shore is getting farther and farther away (FN OFF: LOOK OUT FOR THE UNDERTOW) and people are waving at you and now you and the surfboard are a mile offshore and now a helicopter is overhead (CHOPPER) and a man is waving from the forward hatch----
FN (OFF): Navy Underwater Demolition Test Area!!!
GK: What did he say something about premonition of pyorrhea?
FN (OFF): Underwater explosives!!!
GK: Water can be corrosive? Why is he telling you that? And then.....(UNDERWATER EXPLOSION, ANOTHER, ANOTHER) giant plumes of water rise up overhead and you feel an ache in your kidneys..... and a rescue dolphin swims up ----
FN (DOLPHIN): What are you doing out here, you idiot?
GK: To be called an idiot by a creature who is way below you in the food chain is kind of a shock. But now you see a large black fin in the water ahead (LOW BASS SFX) and it could be a fish who considers itself to be above you in the food chain.
(RHUBARB THEME)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.