(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets...but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was January, bitterly cold and my radiators were losing the battle (CLANKING) and the WiFi was slowing down ----
FN: (LOW, SLOW) You've.....got.....mail.
GK: Roads were icy and the freeways were jammed, it looked like Napoleon's retreat from Moscow (HORNS, ANGER). So I headed south to Iowa where I had a job working security for the Donald Trump campaign. (STING) I got down to Bettendorf, Iowa where he was scheduled to speak and I was early so I dropped by Lois's Coffee Klatsch and had a grilled cheese.
SS: Care for a bowl of chili with that, sir?
GK: Wouldn't say no to that. No, sir.
SS: Coming right up.
GK: Can't help but notice all those campaign pins on your apron, ma'am. Pushing for Bush. I Choose Cruz. Misty About Christie. Call for Paul. Kasich is Basic. I Jump for Trump. Martians for Carson.
SS: Well they are all so nice. I love the caucuses. Look forward to them for four years.
GK: How's that?
SS: It's just so friendly. In your big states, politics is something you see on TV but in Iowa it's up close and personal ---- John Kasich stopped by with a green bean casserole and Senator Rubio came and fixed the float in the toilet and Rand Paul knocks on the door and he noticed that it wasn't hanging right so he rehung it and then he asked to use the toilet and went upstairs and he decided that Senator Rubio had done everything wrong and he took the float mechanism apart and put on a new washer and whoever says Jeb Bush is low energy should've seen him clean my garage ---- oh, they were all just so friendly and normal--- it's been like that for six months.
GK: You're going to miss them, aren't you----
SS: I will. So---- are you Republican?
GK: Ma'am, I feel that the Obama administration is a disaster sent down by God Almighty to teach us once and for all not to depend on our own intelligence but to be obedient to the Word as brought to us by Republican prophets. Western civilization has been brought to its knees, our Judeo-Christian heritage besmirched, and if it weren't for tax cuts and the Second Amendment, we wouldn't stand a chance.
SS: I see. -----Okay. ----- You wouldn't know how to put a new toner cartridge in my printer, would you?
GK: I'm afraid not. Sorry. (BRIDGE, CROWD) I sat in the front row behind Mr. Trump as he gave his speech. He stood behind the lectern and he spoke without notes and he also spoke without pants. I noticed his undershorts had little cherries on them and the hair on his legs had been bleached to match the hair on his head.
TR (TRUMP): Lemme tell you, I am a Protestant and proud of it. I was named Number One Presbyterian in New York three years in a row. But Catholics love me, Baptists love me, Lutherans, it's a love feast, me and Christianity. My favorite book of the Bible, I'd have to say, is Pe-salms but the Gospel of Luck is great too.It's all great. I'm crazy about Christianity and you know why? It's so unbelievable. Just unbelievable. So when I am elected President, Day One, we are going to have prayer in America like you wouldn't believe. The whole country is going to be on its knees, take my word for it.
GK: And right at that moment, a woman with a sparkly blouse and glasses stepped up and Mr. Trump stepped aside and you could see his bare legs-----
SS (PALIN): He's goin' rogue now! That's the vogue! Goin' rogue. I tell you, heads are spinning cause he is winning and the whole right-winging gun-clinging hymn-singing movement, it's a force, it's a strategy, and I tell you, this is going to be so much fun. Unifying values and these shoes are made for walking and no more apologies to our enemies, because strength comes from power and Trump is a tower and the times they are a-changin, people, and you don't need a weatherman to see which way the wind is blowin. It's blowin in the wind. So let's break that wind and pump for Trump!
GK: And I walked backstage and a reporter ran up....
FN (NYer): Mike Mickelson, New York Times ---- may I ask a question, sir?
GK: Yes, sir.
FN: Mr. Trump's pants ----- what happened to them? Did they fall off or what?
GK: No, they did not.
FN: Why was he up there with no pants on?
GK: He was wearing pants. I saw them.
FN: His legs were bare. I saw it.
GK: You saw wrong. His pants were on. They were beautiful pants.
FN: What pants?
GK: Mr. Trump's pants. They're made from a very fine fabric. Special tailors. Very expensive.
FN: He was wearing pants---- Mr. Trump----?
GK: You people see what you want to see. The man has a beautiful suit. Very expensive cloth. (BRIDGE)
HM: Hey, handsome. I liked how you spun that reporter.
GK: She was beautiful. Her tan was deep and meaningful. She wore a big Make America Great Again button.
HM: I'm Lola. I'm with the campaign.
GK: That's odd. I associate Trump supporters with mouth breathers, bill collectors, bikers, bingo moms, and Buick owners.
HM: Who said I support him? I work for him.
GK: What do you do?
HM: I'm his psychiatrist. I've got his medications.
GK: Medications for what?
HM: Anxiety. The man lives in fear that he might be elected.
GK: I can understand that. The man is a fool. He's way out of his depth.
HM: He is well aware of that.
GK: So what's he doing about it?
HM: He's taking a lot of happy pills and he's reaching out for help.
GK: To whom?
HM: This man right there.
GK: Him?
HM: Yes.
TR (KISSINGER): I believe that when democratic institutions are not working, the country needs a strong man and my job is to show Mr. Trump it is all right to be strong. The people want to have smart people take charge of things.
GK: He'll never be elected.
TR (KISSINGER): Never say never, sir.
GK: You'll never succeed.
TR (BLOOMBERG): Excuse me? That's what they said about me. Mike Bloomberg here.
GK: Mayor Bloomberg. I've been hearing rumors about you.
TR (MIKE): I'm fit, I'm tan, I'm ready, I'm still short, I'm loaded, and I was a very very good mayor of New York. People were very happy when I left.
GK: Could you do something about that accent though? Maybe flatten it----
TR (MN): How's this then? This better then? Feels real good to me----
GK: Just be yourself-----
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.