(BIG PIANO)
TR: And now the Lonesome Radio Theatre brings you a play entitled "Chicken Pad Thai".
(RINGS)
SS: (RECORDING, ON PHONE) Thank you for calling Sammy's Szechuan. Your call is very important to us. All of our customer representatives are with other callers right now. We will be with you momentarily. Please hold. Thank you for your patience.
(BEEP, CALL REROUTED)
GK: Oh boy-----
HM (SINGS):
Today was a fairytale
You were the prince
I used to be a damsel in distress
You took me by the hand and you picked me up at six
Today was a fairytale
GK: (TO SELF) Oh jeeze, how long is this going to take?
HM: What's wrong? you don't like the music?
GK: Huh? Who is this?
HM: You want me to sing something else? Shania Twain?
GK: Hello? Who are you?
HM: I'm a Hold singer. I sing for people who are on Hold.
GK: Where are you?
HM: Sorry, have to go back to work......
HM (SINGS):
Wild thing, you make my heart sing
You make everything groovy, wild thing
Wild thing, I think I love you
But I wanna know for sure
Come on and hold me tight
I love you
GK: Excuse me. Hello? Hello?
HM: Yes?
GK: Where are you?
HM: I'm in New York. Down on 23rd Street.
GK: And you sing for everybody who's on hold?
HM: It's a big audience. (CLICK)
SS: Sammy's Szechuan, may I take your order?
GK: Could you put me on Hold again?
SS: I can take your order now.
GK: I want to talk to her. The Hold lady.
SS: I don't know what you're talking about.
GK: The woman on Hold.
SS: Sorry, call back later. (CLICK)
(EIGHT TOUCH TONES, RING)
SS (RECORDING): Thank you for calling Sammy's Szechuan. Your call is very important to us. All of our customer representatives are with other callers right now. We will be with you momentarily. Please hold. Thank you for your patience.
(BEEP, REROUTE)
HM (SINGS):
There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven..
GK: Hello? Hello? Hi. I love that song.
HM: Oh, you're back. Did we get cut off?
GK: Sort of. Yeah. Listen, You've really got something ---- there's something in your voice, it's more than style ----- a warmth ----- I have this radio show. You should come on the show, sing a few songs. What do you think?
HM: You know, you wouldn't believe the number of guys who come up with that line.
GK: It's true. I'd love to have you come on the show-----
HM: Yeah. Well. I got to go.
GK: Please. Think about it.
HM: I've got to go.
(PANFLUTE, "I HEARD IT ON THE GRAPEVINE")
GK: Hello? Hello? (CLICK)
FN: This is Security. You're calling Sammy's Szechuan?
GK: Yes?
FN: You the one who's harassing the singer?
GK: We were talking-----
FN: Yeah, well, cut it out.
GK: I'm sorry.
FN: This call is being monitored for quality ---- so if you keep pestering her, we will prosecute to the full extent of the law. Okay?
GK: I'm sorry.
FN: Watch your step, fella. (CLICK)
HM (SINGS, PICKS UP PHRASE, MID-WORD):
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh,
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me (CLICK)
GK: Hello?
TR (IRA): Hello?
GK: Who's this?
TR: Who're you?
GK: I'm on Hold.
TR: So am I.
GK: You're calling Sammy's Szechuan?
TR: Yeah. Are you going to take my order? It's the tofu pad thai and the green curry noodles, okay? And a California roll.
GK: Is this Ira? Ira Glass?
TR: Yeah?
GK: It's me. Prairie Home Companion.
TR: Who?
GK: Never mind. Was there a woman singing on Hold? Singing Taylor Swift and Led Zeppelin?
TR: Yes, we're doing a story on her on This American Life. The whole show is about Magical Encounters in Everyday Life. She goes to NYU, she's a forward on the basketball team, she's majoring in Peace & Justice, and she does the New York Times Sunday crossword in 25 minutes or less.
GK: She told you that?
TR: Yeah. Who'd you say this is?
GK: Prairie Home Companion.
TR: What is that? Home care for elderly people?
GK: Something like that. Never mind.
TR: Listen. I gotta run. Bye. (CLICK)
GK: Sweetheart? Hello? (CLICKS) Hello?
HM (SINGS):
Color my hair, do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I want to be free yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!
GK: Sweetheart, it's me. I'm back. Can we talk? (CLICK)
SS: Sammy's Szechuan. May I take your order, please?
GK: I guess so. Do you deliver?
SS: Yes, of course. What would you like?
GK: I'd like the chicken pad thai, please.
SS: I'm so sorry. We are all out of the chicken pad thai.
GK: How can you be out? You've never been out before. Please.
SS: We are all out of the chicken pad thai.
GK: How about tofu pad thai?
SS: We're out.
GK: Out?
SS: We gave the last one to Mr. Glass.
(BIG PIANO)
TR: Chicken Pad Thai....was written by Sarah Bellum and directed by Guy Wire.
(MUSIC OUT)