(PHONE RINGS, THREE TIMES, PICKUP)
GK: Hello.
SS: Duane? Duane honey, it's your mother.
GK: -- I'm not available to take your call. Please leave a message after the beep. (BEEP)
SS: Duane. I am your mother. I know when it's you. That is not an answering machine. ---- Hello?
GK: This is not an answering machine, it is voice mail. Please leave your message after the beep.
SS (MOM): Duane----- Talk to me. ----- This is your mother. I did not just fall off the coal wagon, okay?
GK: I'm going to beep once more. Please leave a message. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
SS: Duane. Answer me. Now.
GK: Why can't you just leave a message?
SS: Duane, I am a mother. Mothers do not leave messages. Motherhood is not about messages, it's about love, Duane. So I'm calling about the Men's Fellowship Dinner at church---- you remember? Tuesday night. You're coming with us---- and they want to know your choice of entree, okay?
GK: Mom, I'm just really busy now trying to finish up this novel. I promised it to the editor by the end of November.
SS: I thought you'd be done with that by now. You've been working on the dang thing for two years now.
GK: Mother---
SS: You know what your problem is? It's your women characters ---- you're just way off the mark-----
GK: Mother----
SS: You need to get out more, honey. They don't talk like that.
GK: You've read my novel?
SS: Women don't refer to them as "breasts," Duane. They say "boobs".
GK: Who said you could read my novel?
SS: Duane, I am your mother.
GK: It's not ready to be read.
SS: Boy, you can say that again!
GK: What gives you the right to go into my computer and read my novel?
SS: It's a mother's right, Duane. I earned that right when I lay in that hospital delivery room suffering the worst agony a human being can suffer-
GK: Mom.
SS: I went through the pangs of death when I had you, Duane----
GK: Mom---
SS: Waterboarding is nothing compared to baby-boarding.
GK: Okay---
SS: I have not been the same person since. Pushing a 12-pound baby down a tube as big as your thumb really changes a person.
GK: Okay. Okay. What did you call about, Mom?
SS: We've got a problem here, Duane.
GK: What's that?
SS: Your father and I went to the church potluck and he got bored listening to people talk about stewardship and he poured himself a glass of cider which he thought was just apple juice, and boy oh, boy oh, boy - he drank a whole jug of it and suddenly Mister Grumpy turned into Mel Torme ----
GK: You didn't notice it was alcoholic?
SS: It said Artisan Cider. Now I know what "artisan" means----
GK: So where is he----?
SS: Went out in the backyard and lay down in the leaves to make Leaf Angels, and ----- Hank! Hank! (TR OFF, SINGING: Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On a, Jupiter and Mars
SS: Hank! Come here and take the phone.
(TR SINGS: Fill my heart with song
And let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
SS: It's Duane. Your son. (TR GRUMBLE) He wants to talk to you.
TR: Yeah?
GK: Hi, dad.
TR: Oh. You.
GK: Right.
TR: So what's going on over there? Huh? You got a beautiful babalicious babe lurking around behind the curtains? Huh? That old black magic got you in its spell? That old black magic that she weaves so well?
GK: Dad.
TR: What?
GK: I hope you're not planning to operate a motor vehicle today.
TR: What you driving at, buddy boy? Huh?
GK: I think you need to go to bed and sober up.
TR: You know something, Duane? You are a pill. A pill. You are a small dark cloud on the horizon of life.
GK: Dad-----
TR: You know what your problem is? Do you?
GK: My women use the word "breasts"?
TR: Your problem is, you're a kill-joy. You're a party pooper, Duane. I get in a joyous mood and you can't wait to shut it down, can you. Well, I don't care. Go sit on a thumbtack, see if you get a rise out of it. You hear me?
GK: Okay, Dad.
TR (OFF, FADING, SINGS):
Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words.....(DOOR SLAM)
GK: Did he go outside?
SS: He went down the basement.
GK: Better go down and unplug the power saw.
SS: Naw, he'll just take a nap. Anyway. The dinner Tuesday night. You want chicken or steak?
GK: Is that the only choice?
SS: Chicken or steak.
GK: How about fish?
SS: What did I just get done saying?
GK: Okay, I'll just have a salad.
SS: Chicken not good enough for you?
GK: I'd just rather have a salad.
SS: If you're trying to lose weight, honey, it's exercise you need. Don't starve yourself. It doesn't work.
GK: Okay. How about chicken.
SS: That's what you want?
GK: It's fine.
SS: I don't want to push you into something you don't want.
GK: Chicken is fine.
SS: You don't sound happy.
GK: I'm happy.
SS: If it's steak you crave, then just say steak.
GK: Chicken.
SS: Why don't I just put down steak.
GK: Why?
SS: It's what you want.
GK: Didn't I say chicken?
SS: A mother can hear what you mean, Duane.
GK: Okay, steak.
SS: You're sure----
GK: I am.
SS: Okay then. You want that medium rare, medium, well-done, or what?
GK: I'd like you to choose.
SS: Oh honey.
GK: Please.
SS: I can't choose for you.
GK: Just tell me how to have it.
SS: Well, how about medium rare?
GK: Fine. Medium rare.
SS: You're sure that's what you want?
GK: It's fine.
SS: That's what you always order.
GK: Good.
SS: If I were ordering for you, I'd say medium.
GK: Medium then.
SS: It's just safer.
GK: Medium.
SS: Of course well-done would be the safest.
GK: I want my steak well-done.
SS: Okay. Steak well-done. What kind of dressing?
GK: Can I get back to you on that?
SS: Usually you like ranch.
GK: Ranch it is.
SS: You sure?
GK: Sounds good.
SS: You don't mean French, do you?
GK: French. Right.
SS: Okay. Call me if you change your mind.
GK: Okay, Mom.
SS: Bye now.
GK: Bye now.
SS: Love you.
GK: Love you too.