(TRUMPET FANFARE)
TR: So---- Ulysses. Good war. Heck of a war. Sure appreciate you coming all the way from Ithaca to help me deal with these cheatin lyin filthy no-good Trojans. And that giant horse you thought up ----with the soldiers hidden inside ----- wow----- that was a great idea. So thanks.
GK: Uh huh. I got here sort of late and never was completely clear on the reasons for the war, Agamemnon. Was there one?
TR: Well, it was Paris.
GK: Paris of Troy.
TR: Right. He ran away with Helen.
GK: Menelaus's wife.
TR: My sister-in-law.
GK: And he forced her to go with him?
TR: He gave her the golden apple that he got from Aphrodite.
GK: Aha.
TR: And the apple made her fall in love with him.
GK: So it was Aphrodite who started it.
TR: I guess you could say that.
GK: I didn't know that when I signed up.
TR: Well, now you know.
GK: So the gods rigged the whole thing. They wanted to see a war. For their amusement.
TR: He didn't have to give the golden apple to her----
GK: Aphrodite gave him a magical power.
TR: Right.
GK: I thought he forced her. That he physically abducted her.
TR: No, he used the golden apple.
GK: You couldn't have told me that at the beginning?
TR: I don't see what difference it makes.
GK: I spend ten years killing people because the goddess of love is in a mood to make mischief? (THUNDER, LIGHTNING)
TR: Careful what you say. Anyway, thanks for your help. You heading straight back to Ithaca or you taking some time for yourself?
GK: What are you getting at?
TR: Well--- heh heh heh heh ---- one man to another --- there are some pretty fabulous sirens between here and there and some terrific lotus.
GK: I'm not that big on lotus. Or sirens. I'll probably head straight home. Penelope's been waiting ten years. (TRUMPET PASSAGE)
FN: So---- Penny ----- babes ------ Old Ulysses's been gone ten years.
SS: And every day I look out across the azure sea for the sight of his boat returning to Ithaca.
FN: Hey. I admire your loyalty. But ten years, babes--- come on. You must be incredibly lonely.
SS: Get your hand off my shoulder.
FN: The handwriting's on the wall. Old Yule is a goner. He ain't coming back no more no more no more.l How about you and me, angel?
SS: I have to finish knitting this scarf first. (FANFARE)
(WIND, RIGGING)
GK: Hold her steady, helmsman. I have a feeling we're being blown off-course. Toward that distant rocky island wrapped in mists.
CD (OFF, MEGAPHONE): (VOCALIZE, SENSUOUSLY)
GK: Oh oh. Sirens. Pass these out to the men.
TR: Condoms?
GK: Trojans. And better tie me to the mast, helmsman. (TYING PROCEDURE) And tell the men to put wax in their ears.
TR: Aye, aye, Ulysses. (POPS OF WAX IN EARS)
CD (SINGS):
GK: Don't you have anything better to do with your life than sing and lure men to their destruction? Look at the wrecks you've caused.
CD (OFF): Are you talking to me?
GK: I'm not talking to the rocks. Get a life. You've got a nice voice. Why not use it for something positive? Something other than seduction?
CD (OFF): What would you suggest?
GK: Look at this wreckage. Hundreds of ships on the rocks, all because of you. You're polluting the seas . Why not do some good with your voice?
CD (OFF): Like what?
GK: You could remind people not to litter.
CD (OFF): Really?? Huh. (SHE SINGS)
Attention every warrior and peon,
Let's make a cleaner Aegean.
You crash into the rocks ker-splat
And all this litter comes from that----
See what I am driving at?
In the future I'll sing flat.
(SHE VOCALIZES FLAT)
GK: See? Instead of being a problem, do some good.
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
TR (NARRATOR): And they cruised past the sirens and sailed on, toward Ithaca. But then Ulysses and his ship met up with a powerful whirlpool (WHIRLPOOL, SUCKING AND SWIRLING) that threw the ship to the west and a thunderstorm (THUNDERBOLT) knocked out the compass and a fierce wind came up (WIND) and it blew them into the land of the lotus eaters. (SURF, GULLS)
SS: Hey, how about some lotus?
GK: I'm not into lotus, thanks.
SS: This is really great lotus.
GK: I read an article somewhere that said that when you eat lotus, it takes away your ambition.
SS; That's the whole point.
GK: But all these people sitting around looking at their navels ----
SS: It's the lotus position. Try some.
GK: I'm in a hurry to get home to my wife.
SS: Lotus is not about hurrying. Lotus is about being.
GK: There was a young man who ate lotus
And nobody took any notice
And he felt bad inside
And laid down and died:
It was foreign stuff, not Minnesota's.
SS: Just try it. (OFF) It's good.
GK: Back to the ships, men! Onward! to Ithaca! (BITTER GRUMBLING)--- (TRUMPET FANFARE)
SS: And so Ulysses sailed on, and came to the land of the Cyclops.
(TR & FN CYCLOPS)
GK: You guys really ought to see an opthalmalogist. They could fit you with a monocle or something. (CYCLOPS) By the way, is it one Cyclop or one Cyclops? (CYCLOPS GRUNT) What's the singular? (CYCLOPS ROAR) Okay, okay--- (CYCLOPS ROAR) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) Boy, for a guy with no depth perception, you run pretty fast---- Whew....Made it into the cave. A cave full of sheep. (SHEEP) We'll hide in here, men, and make our escape in the morning---
TR: Sir? The men are restless. (BITTER GRUMBLING) We've been away from home for many years.
GK: Well, tell me about it. It's been a long trip for me too.
TR: We keep stopping, sir.
GK: I know.
TR: Why all these detours? Are you lost? (MONSTER ROAR)
GK: It's called an odyssey, okay? Look it up. It means a quest, a journey that wanders from one thing to the next. It's also called delayed gratification. (MONSTER ROAR) But save it for later. That Cyclops, or Cyclop, is reaching his big hairy hand in the cave, trying to grab us. (MONSTER) Steady, men.
TR: What are you doing with that sharp stick, sir?
GK: I'm going to poke out his eyeball----
TR: But---- there's going to be a big gush of pus-----
GK: I'm aware of that.
TR: It's going to be disgusting.
GK: Well, just steel yourselves----Maybe you should stand to the side----let me see, I want to gouge from the front so I get the iris--- (MONSTER GRUNTING) boy, that is one big eyeball---- all green around the edge and mucous and pus and stuff ----- you men all set to run for the ships? Good. Okay. One. Two. Three. (GK EFFORT, HUGE GOUGING SOUND AND THEN WITHDRAW, WITH FLOW OF PUS) (MONSTER ROAR) Let's go! To the ships! (MEN: TO THE SHIPS!) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) (FANFARE)
TR: And they found their way back to the ship, and made it home to Ithaca. Home to Penelope.
GK: (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL) Twenty years. House looks about the same. Kind of overgrown with vines and all ----- Paint's peeling. Shutters look like they could use some repair. Huh. Who's this starting the lawn mower? (MOWER, START) Hey. Cut it out. (HE PULLS BATTERY CABLE, MOWER DIES)
FN: What're you doing????
GK: This is my lawn.
(PAUSE)
FN: Ulysses?
GK: Hi, Melanthius. What you doing mowing my grass?
FN: Just being a good neighbor.
GK: You been pestering my wife, mister?
FN: I don't know what you're talking about.
GK: I think you do. What's this note in your pocket?
FN: Hey. Give that back!
GK: "Dear Pen, What you up to later? Want to go for a walk in the woods and lie in the tall grass and read each other's palms?" What is this? You messing around with my wife???
FN: Not yet. ---- I mean, No.
GK: In sagas, Melanthius, there is no judicial process, no right to counsel, no Fifth Amendment, you understand that? In a saga, I'd just cut your head off. Like this-----
SS: Hello? Who's this? (DOG WOOFS, DOG GREETING)
GK: Hello, Argus, good boy. (DOG LICKING)
SS: Ulysses?
GK: Hi, Penelope---
SS: You're back.
GK: I am.
SS: Did you remember to get milk and cheese?
GK: I didn't. Sorry.
SS: You have blood and gore all over your shirt. Have you been hacking and pillaging?
GK: Went off to the war, babes.
SS: What war?
GK: It's a long story.
SS: You hungry?
GK: Yeah. Nice scarf----
SS: I've been knitting it for ten years.
GK: Nice.
SS: Come on upstairs and I'll get those filthy clothes off you.
GK: Okay. (WOOF) You stay down here and guard the place, boy. We'll be back in an hour or so. Go chase a goat. (DOOR CLOSE)
(FANFARE)