SS: The Lives of the Cowboys.brought to you by Durango Brand Inflatable Doughnuts for the Saddle. And now, The Lives of the Cowboys.
(HORSES' HOOVES)
GK: Well, here we are in the town of Hazardous Pass, Dusty. I am feeling a little wary due to what happened the last time we came through.
TR: I remember it well.
GK: I'm sure you do.
TR: I think a lot of people who saw it figured you were drunk.
GK: Which I wasn't. Not even slightly. I fell asleep in the saddle.
TR: Never saw that happen to a cowboy before.
GK: Never happened to me before. Fell asleep and toppled off my horse.
TR: It sort of looked like a heart attack.
GK: One could only wish. All I remember is that I picked myself up off the dust and the manure and people were howling with laughter.
TR: Well, it was pretty funny.
GK: I guess I didn't see the humor.
TR: It was how you tried to pretend that nothing had happened. That's what they were laughing at.
GK: Well, nothing did happen. I just fell off my horse.
TR: Well, put it out of your mind and let's go in the saloon. There it is. The Belt Buckle Saloon. Whoa. Whoa. (HORSES WHINNY, STOP, CHUFFING) I tell you, there's nothing so welcoming as a friendly saloon. You walk in the door, you've got a dozen pals waiting for you. You can cuss and whoop and belch and scratch yourself with impunity.
GK: You like that word "impunity," don't you.
TR: Without fear of consequences. Impunity. Let's go in.
(DOOR OPEN) (FOOTSTEPS) (PIANO CAMPTOWN RACES) (CROWD MURMURS, GLASSWARE)
TR: There they are, all the old roughnecks and barflies. And Lulu and Sadie over in the corner. What can I get you, pardner?
GK: Sarsaparilla for me.
TR: Don't care for a shot of whiskey to open up the epiglottis?
GK: No, thanks. Say, piano man.
RD: Yeah?
GK: You know some other song other than "Camptown Races" --- every time I come in here, it's doo-dah, doo-dah ----
RD: Is that what I was playing?
GK: It's what you're always playing.
RD: I thought I was playing "Moon River".
GK: Play something else.
RD: Like what??
GK: Chopin.
RD: Okay. Chopin coming right up. (CHOPINESQUE CAMPTOWN RACES)
(FOOTSTEPS PROCEED AND STOP)
GK: Oh hi, Sheriff----
DR: Hi, Lefty. You okay?
GK: Yeah, of course I'm okay.
DR: Good. Glad to hear it.
GK: Why do you ask?
DR: Just asking. You don't have any more of those dizzy spells then?
GK: I don't know what you're talking about. Excuse me---- Hey Shorty.
FN: Hi there. Good to see you again. How you been?
GK: Fine. How's with you?
FN: Couldn't be better. (PAUSE) Somebody said you'd gone off to rehab or something.
GK: No. Where'd you hear that?
FN: Somebody said.
GK: Rehab?
FN: That's what they said. You sure you're okay? You look sort of peaked.
GK: You know, it gets so somebody hardly dares fall off his horse anymore. I had no idea it was going to become a crisis. Lulu-----
SS: Yeah?
GK: Give me a shot of rum with the sarsaparilla, okay?
SS: How're you doing, Lefty?
GK: I'm going fine. Why do you ask?
HM: Lefty, I'm Marilyn, I'm with the Hazardous Pass Department of Human Resources ----
GK: I didn't know there was one.
SS: Marilyn's the town social worker.
GK: Since when?
HM: I just need to ask a few questions so we can assess your needs, if you're all right with that. Are you experiencing frequent periods of sadness?
GK: Pretty much all the time and especially in the past couple of minutes.
HM: Do you ever feel lonely?
GK: Constantly. Especially right now.
SS: Are you currently on any medications, Lefty?
GK: A little beer now and then, otherwise no.
HM: Have you ever received counseling in the past?
GK: A good deal of it. That's why I leave town.
SS: Do you or have you ever had hallucinations?
GK: Having one right now.
SS: But do you hear voices or see things that others do not see?
GK: That, too.
SS: Have people close to you noticed a change in your behavior in the last 30 days?
GK: Hey Dusty---- have you noticed a change in my behavior in the last 30 days?
TR: You seem more cautious. Sort of wary---- and trepidatious today. In the past half-hour, I'd say. Almost kind of fearful.
HM: Do you frequently feel fearful?
TR: Fear is not in a cowboy's vocabulary, ma'am. Sometimes we experience sheer terror, but not fear.
HM: Do you use alcohol?
TR: "Do I use alcohol?" HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. (CHORTLES. CHOKES. COUGHS. LAUGHS WEAKLY)
HM: How many drinks, on average, does he consume per week?
GK: Every single one that's within reach.
HM: Do you use any illegal drugs?
GK: Out on the trail, ma'am, illegality is a pretty loose idea.
SS: Do you often feel angry or irritable?
TR: Pretty regularly, I'd say.
SS: Have you lost friends because of your anger problem?
TR: Shot a couple of them and that pretty much ended the friendship.
HM: Do you have trouble managing money?
TR: What money you talking about?
HM: Do you have trouble sleeping?
TR: You ever sleep on the ground?
HM: No.
TR: Yes.
SS: Do you plan to harm yourself or anyone else?
TR: That all depends. Ask me in an hour.
GK: How about the sarsaparilla I was asking about, Lulu?
SS: I'll get it in just a minute. Marilyn just has a few more questions for you.
GK: This is all on account of my falling off my horse last summer, isn't it.
HM: Is that what you feel this is about?
GK: Yes, that's what I just said.
HM: You feel that our concern is due to your falling off your horse?
GK: I honestly do.
HM: And how does that make you feel right now?
GK: Thirsty.
HM: Have you fallen off your horse since last summer?
GK: No.
HM: Have you felt that you were in danger of falling off your horse?
GK: Hey, Piano Man. That Chopin is sounding a lot like Camptown Races if you ask me.
RD: I thought I was playing "Moon River"----
GK: I don't think so. Lulu, give me a quarter, I want to play something on the jukebox.
HM: Do these questions make you uneasy, Lefty?
GK: They do.
HM: Why do you think you feel uneasy?
GK: I'm not a social worker. If I were, I'd know.
HM: What other feelings are you experiencing right now?
GK: Anticipation. (COIN IN JUKEBOX) B-14. (TWO CLUNKS OF BUTTONS) Ruth Etting. Great singer. (NEEDLE ON 78)
(MUSIC: PIANO, VIOLIN)
HM (ON RECORD):
Oh listen, sister
I love my mister man and I can't tell you why
Dere ain't no reason why I should love dat man
It must be sumpin' dat de angels done plan
Fish got to swim and birds got to fly
I got to love one man till I die
Can't help lovin' that man of mine
(FADES)
Tell me he's lazy
Tell me he's slow
Tell me I'm crazy, maybe, I know
Can't help lovin' that man of mine
DR: So you boys heading back out?
TR: Apparently so.
FN: You ever get tired of it?
GK: All the time.
DR: So why not settle down?
GK: Because he and I don't get along.
TR: Him and me, if we settled down, we'd just kill each other.
FN: So find someone else.
GK: Well, who?
FN: Let me think about it.
GK: You do that. (HORSE WHINNY) You take care now.
DR: Let me help you up on that horse----
GK: You touch me, Sheriff, and I'm going to hit you so hard it'll be Tuesday.
DR: Okay, okay. Never mind.
FN: You okay, Lefty?
GK: Never better. Let's ride.
(GIDDYUPS, WHINNY, HORSES TROT)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS brought to you by Santa Barbara Seat Belts for the saddle.