(RING 3X, PICK UP)
GK: Hello.
SS: Duane, honey, it's your mother. Remember?
GK: Hi, Mom.
SS: So whassup, Duane? Huh?
GK: What?
SS: Whassup? That's what the neighbor boy says to me. Whassup. If I had a grandson, that's probably what he'd say. "Whassup, Grandma?" Remember Sonya? Your girlfriend Sonya? She was the one I figured was going to get pregnant. That was fifteen years ago. The neighbor boy is fifteen. I wish he'd call me Grandma. "Whassup, Grandma?" Fifteen, skinny, comes over to Grandma's and I fix him a big Reuben sandwich. And I help him with his math. And he tells me all about school and I tell him all about how Grandpa and I met campaigning for Adlai Stevenson in high school and he actually knows who Adlai Stevenson was. I love that neighbor boy.
GK: Mom------ Mom------ Hello------- Hello------
SS: What?
GK: Was there something you called about?
SS: Honey, did the box of gourds arrive at your house? The one I sent?
GK: Yes. Thanks.
SS: I know you don't care for gourds but the neighbor girl is selling them to raise money for her trip to Costa Rica so I sent you the deluxe package.
GK: I have no idea what to do with gourds, Mom.
SS: It's for decoration. An accent piece. Put em on your mantle.
GK: I don't have one.
SS: A centerpiece, then.
GK: I don't have room for centerpieces.
SS: I know. Your tables are piled with junk. Honestly, Duane---- I was in there on Wednesday and I swear, you have a hoarding problem. There are programs for people like you.
GK: Mom, I wish you'd let me know when you come over.
SS: I came over because you didn't answer your phone.
GK: I wish you'd give me back the house key, Mom. Really.
SS: I'm only trying to help, Duane. I took away eight boxes of stuff on Wednesday.
GK: You what???? Mom-----
SS: You see? You didn't even notice they were gone! That ought to tell you something.
GK: You take away my things and then you ship me a boxful of gourds??? I don't want gourds in my house.
SS: Honey, don't shoot me but I've found a cleaning lady for you. She has experience dealing with hoarders. And she is single. I tell you. She is one in a million. I can't wait for you to meet her.
GK: Mom, please. Give me back the house key. Okay? I'm 55 years old, Mom.
SS: I don't have your house key. I gave it to Abby.
GK: Mom----- you didn't.
SS: I did. Oh, Dwayne----- she's young, she just broke up with her boyfriend, she's a wonderful house cleaner, and she knows what to do with gourds. She's perfect.
GK: Mom----- is Dad there?
SS: Honey, I want you to promise me that you'll let Abby into your house. And maybe ---- maybe ---- into your life.
GK: Mom, I want to talk to Dad, okay.
SS: Okay, but just tell me you won't turn her away. The way you turn me away. Please.
GK: Could I talk to Dad, please?
SS: (OFF) Hank. It's Duane. He wants to talk to you. (TR OFF, MUTTERING) ) He's coming, honey -- he's just getting his notes.
GK: His notes???
SS: He's taking a course at the Y in standup comedy.
GK: Stand up?
SS: It was either that or water ballet. He didn't want to wear a swim cap, so------. Humor him, okay? (OFF) Here. Take the phone. I have to go take a pill. Here. Don't drop it......
TR: Hello? Duane? How are we doing?
GK: Fine, Dad.
TR: I tell you, what a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend. I was so ugly she fed me with a slingshot.
GK: Ah, Dad --
TR: So I grew up inhibited. I even blushed when people used the word "intersection". I read a book called "Everything You ever wanted to know about Sex." But it left out the most important part: where to get it.
GK: Dad.
TR: I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
GK: Dad---- hello----
TR: So what do you think?
GK: I don't know. What's going on?
TR: Stand-up.
GK: I know, but why?
TR: It's Open Mic night at the Elks club.
GK: I didn't know you were in Elks.
TR: Been in for two weeks. So what's the secret of comedy?
GK: I don't know, what is the secret of comedy?
TR: (PAUSE) Timing.
GK: If you don't mind, I think the point of that joke is that you interrupt me by saying "timing".
TR: Oh. Okay. Try it again. So what's the secret of comedy?
GK: I don't know, what is......the secret.....of comedy?
TR: Oh. You mean, interrupt you when you say that.....
GK: Right.
TR: So what's the secret of comedy?
GK: Dad----
TR: Timing. How's that?
GK: It's fine. Listen, is Mom off her meds right now? Do you know?
TR: What meds? What do you mean?
GK: Never mind. Let me talk to her.
TR: Okay. Good talking to you. You know the one about the priest and the rabbi?
GK: I know all of em. Give me back to Mom. (HAND OFF PHONE)
GK: Mom----- listen, is Dad okay? You've got to try to stop him from getting up at the Elks club Open Mic-----
SS: Oh, it's no big deal.
GK: Mom, friends don't let friends do standup. It's just that simple.
SS: Honey, listen ----- I just got a text from Abby. She's on her way over there.
GK: Mom, tell her I can't. Please.
SS: Too late. She's a block away.
GK: Mom, the house is a mess.
SS: That's why she's coming. She'll make it wonderful. And she sings while she works. Did I say that? She cleans like a house afire and she sings Broadway songs ---- she sings, (SINGS) How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
GK: Mom----
SS: She sings (SINGS) Edelweiss, Edelweiss
Every morning you greet me.
GK: Mom, I don't want someone running around singing. Especially not "Sound of Music". Please. I don't want it. Okay? Cancel her. Tell her I'm sick. Whatever. I just can't do it right now.
SS: Is there someone else there with you, Duane? Is that it?
GK: Mom, please. I don't need a romance right now. It's the last thing I need. Call her off. Okay?
SS: Okay, Duane. Have it your way. I'll just tell little Kyle to go away. He says, Whassup? I say, Beat it, my child. You're not wanted here anymore. And then I will just get in my car and drive it into the garage and close the garage door and go find a garden hose -----
GK: Mom, please. Don't. Stop.
SS: And you won't have me to deal with anymore. Just one quick memorial service and you'll be done with me. And then you can deal with Mr. Jerry Seinfeld here. You'll have him following you around the house asking if you heard the one about the man who went to his urologist. (DOORBELL) Honey, Abby just texted me, she says she's at your door and she just rang your doorbell. Duane? Are you there? (DOORBELL) What should I tell her, Duane? Are you there? Duane? Pick up the phone, honey.
GK: Mom----
SS: She's at the door, Duane.
GK: I know. I saw her.
SS: She's beautiful, isn't she.
GK: She's okay.
SS: Just open the door, Duane.
GK: I don't even know her.
SS: Just open the door.
HM: (OFF): Hellooooooo. Anybody home?
GK: She's in the house, Mom.
HM: Helloooo. Duane?
SS: Just say hello, Duane.
HM: Hello! Oh. I'm sorry. You're on the phone.
GK: Here. It's my mother. You talk to her.
HM: Hello?? Clarissa? It's Abby. How you doin?
SS: I'm so happy you're there. Listen. Start with the kitchen. Then the bathroom.l It's a horror show. Bedroom isn't so bad. Save the bedroom for last. Okay?
HM: You got it, Clarissa. Talk to you later. Ciao.
SS: Bye now. (CLICK)
HM: So--------
GK: Yeah.
HM: I'm Abby.
GK: So I gather.
HM: (SINGS) Climb every mountain. Ford every stream. Follow every rainbow. Til you find your dream......(BAND BUTTON)