(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was late September, and St. Paul was luxuriating in summery weather and so crime was up, or what passes for crime in Minnesota. People bumping into each other and not saying "I'm sorry". People honking their horns in anger. People using hate speech and saying things like "What a brown nose" and "Trump is such an idiot." It was the end of the baseball season and we were watching the Twins fade away and our hopes for the playoffs which hadn't been that high anyway because we're from here and we know better. Like the woman who came to see me on Tuesday. (QUICK FOOTSTEPS)
SS: I just came to say I love you Jack. I can't let you go. I want you back. I'm crazy in love. Do you know that?
GK: What?
SS: Oh. You're not Jack. Sorry. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
GK: Don't rush away. Come, tell me about yourself. (DOOR CLOSE) I went to the window to see if I could spot her walking down the street and I caught a glimpse of my reflection and I looked so bedraggled, I went down to Earl's Barber Shop in the basement.
(MUSIC BRIDGE) (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
TR (MINNESOTA): Oh. Hi there, Guy. How you doing then?
GK: How was I doing when?
TR (MINNESOTA): You doing okay then?
GK: What period of time are you referring to, Earl?
TR (MINNESOTA): Okay, then. What can I do for you there?
GK: Just a little trim, Earl. Not too short.
TR (MINNESOTA): Okay, then. (ELECTRIC CLIPPERS)
GK: The moment he went bulldozing up my neck with the clippers, I started to feel intense haircutter regret. When you go for a haircut, you should put yourself in the hands of a Stephanie or a Louisa, not an Earl. He went rampaging around on my head like he was trying to wipe out head lice and when he was done and held up a mirror, I closed my eyes.
TR (MINN): So how's that then?
GK: That there?
TR (MINN): Yeah. That okay then?
GK: It was okay and now I'm not so sure.
TR (MINN): Okay then. Bye now. (BRIDGE)
GK: I went upstairs to the Brew Ha Ha where Sharon the barista stood behind the counter (ESPRESSO SFX) with her new espresso machine ----
SS: What can I get you, Guy? Got a special on the cranberry latte.
GK: A cup of black coffee from a percolator, Sharon.
SS: No latte?
GK: Coffeepot with the basket inside, no sugar, no cream, no syrup.
SS: Okay. One campfire coffee coming up. Have a seat over there in the corner.
GK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS) Nice she didn't say anything about my hair. I'm going to have to go buy a fedora. Old one shrank in the rain. Like to go take a nap but I have to finish this crossword first. Dang, the Saturday crossword is getting hard. I used to have the kneck and I don't anymore.
TR (ITALIAN): Hello? you mind if I sit down here?
GK: Not a problem. Make yourself at home.
TR (ITALIAN): Grazie. Thank you.
GK: There is no waiter, by the way, so if you want coffee, you have to go to the counter.
TR (ITALIAN): Yes, yes. I did that. Thank you. So you're a regular here?
GK: Yeah. I have an office up on the 12th floor.
TR (ITALIAN): I see, I see.
GK: You live in the neighborhood?
TR (ITALIAN): No. I'm from Buenos Aires but I'm living in Rome now.
GK: Aha. You a businessman?
TR (ITALIAN): Not really. But in management.
GK: Uh huh. Must be interesting work. You manage a factory?
TR: I hope not. No, I manage a big organization.
GK: I see. Wait a minute. Oh my gosh. It's you.
TR (ITALIAN): Don't say it. Okay? I'm here alone.
GK: The Pope. Oh my god.
TR: (ITALIAN) Please, no, no kissing the ring, no bowing, none of the holiness stuff.
GK: Okay, Francis.
TR: No Francis. Let me be Frank.
GK: Okay, Frank. Surprised to see you in St. Paul.
TR: Well, I just had to get away. All those big crowds. Too much going on. Needed a break. ---How is the cappucino here, by the way?
GK: It's expensive.
TR: I noticed that. So I got just a cup of coffee.
GK: Aren't they searching for you out East?
TR: Yes. I texted them. Told them I'd be back in a few hours.
GK: But you're in New York today, right? I mean, there you are on that TV screen up there-----
TR: That's Father Giovanni.
GK: Not you?
TR: Looks more like me than I do. And he enjoys it. All the waving and bowing. So we take turns. Is that your crossword puzzle?
GK: Yeah?
TR: Number 34 Across? Is "Faith".
GK: Oh? 34 across. Oh. "Mustard seed". Yeah. Thanks. How about 31 down? "Hindu holy writing"----
TR: Upanishad.
GK: Upanishad? You sure?
TR: I'm the pope.
GK: Well, of course. (BRIDGE) I drove him to the airport to catch the 2:30 flight to LaGuardia. He was carrying a knapsack. He was on standby.
TR: I'll get on. I know I will.
GK: You're not worried, travelling alone?
TR: I do it all the time.
GK: Really----
TR: Take off the pope suit and I'm Frank. I like being Frank.
GK: Okay. So what's your message to the world, Frank?
TR: Very simple. No fear. No meanness. No envy. And praise God for his goodness.
GK: That's it, huh?
TR: No fear. No meanness. No envy. And pray for each other.
GK: Okay. I will.
TR: Thank you. Ciao, mister. Bye bye.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)