TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(BRIDGE)
GK: It was September and fall was in the air. I was a little dizzy, I was hearing voices, I thought it was dementia, but no, it was my landlady Doris.
SS (DORIS): Guy, I got a problem. You wrote me a check for the rent but you left off a zero and you forgot to sign it. Okay?
GK: Okay. Sorry about that.
SS (DORIS): And you're late. When I told you to pay me in three days or else, I didn't mean Labor Day, Halloween, and Thanksgiving.
GK: I'll get on it right away, Doris.
SS (DORIS): And there's a gentleman to see you, a man with very strange hair.
GK: It's his hair or he's with the hair.
SS (DORIS): It's hard to tell. It's sort of a combover, comb under. (KNOCKS ON DOOR)----- Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS, STOP)
TR (TRUMP): Mr. Noir, I presume.
GK: Come in, sir. Have a seat.
TR (TRUMP): Thank you. Would you mind not shaking hands with me?
GK: Not a problem.
TR (TRUMP): Thank you. Person gets a lot of germs that way. And they can cause autism. I had a friend who got autism by shaking hands. Terrible thing. Notice my hands?
GK: They look like plastic.
TR (TRUMP): It sprays on. Very hygienic. I own the company.
GK: Well, good luck.
TR (TRUMP): I take it you don't know who I am.
GK: I do. You're Donald J. Trump.
TR (TRUMP): You know something, I got ten times the visual recognition of any other candidate. Ten times. Everybody knows me. And they like me. Blacks, Hispanics. Women. They all love me and you want to know why?
GK: Why?
TR (TRUMP): Because I don't care if they do or they don't. Other politicians are out there buttering up people and I go around treating people like dirt and slapping em around and they love me for it.
GK: Well you certainly have made a big impression, Mr. Trump.
TR (TRUMP): Thank you very much. I am the first hip-hop candidate for President. The first rapper. I am going to be America's first gangsta president.
GK: Actually I think Dick Cheney was.
TR (TRUMP): Listen to this:
I'm smarter than Bush. Tougher than Barack.
I talk the talk and I walk the walk.
Anything I want, I can go out and get it.
Look at all the beautiful women I've imbedded.
I earned billions. I had a successful show.
I'm extremely popular wherever I go.
I was No. 1 in real estate.
I can make America great.
---What do you think?
GK: So you're going to campaign in rhyme?
TR (TRUMP): It was her idea.
GK: Hello----
SS (LOW FOREIGN SULTRY): I'm Lola Mazola, the campaign manager. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: All the campaign managers I have known looked like maitre'd's at bad restaurants, saggy and balding with dandruff on their shoulders and their abdomens hanging over their belt buckle. She was not saggy whatsoever. She had platinum hair and her face was as tight as a drum and when my gaze fell to where a man's eyes so often fall, I was reminded of the front bumper of the 1958 Buick. It was hard not to stare. Two artillery shells aimed right at you and a deep silicon valley in between. She wore a glittering white gown that clung to her like Saran Wrap and as my gaze traversed down her legs, I could feel my IQ dropping into the primate range.
TR (TRUMP): She's a Ten, isn't she. Hadda get a ten. That dress cost seventy-five grand. Those are real diamonds.
SS (LOW FOREIGN SULTRY): Donald is going to Iowa and we want you to go with him, Mr. Noir.
GK: Me??? I know nothing about pork production ---- ethanol ----price supports ---- the farm bill ---- nothing.
SS (LOW FOREIGN SULTRY): Mr. Noir, Donald is not about pork production. Politics is not about knowing something. Politics is about being somebody. That is why my Donald is killing right now. He is killing. Hillary is like your 9th grade civics teacher. Boring. Donald is powerful. People love him, even people who think he is a narcissistic megalomaniac.
TR (TRUMP): Hey, come on.....
SS (LOW FOREIGN SULTRY): He may be one but he is OUR narcissistic megalomaniac. (BRIDGE)
GK: The way she said narcissistic megalomaniac made me want to try it out, see what it's like ----- But Miss Mazola, what do you want me to do in Iowa? I'm not a political guy. And I have a bad case of ADHD. I'm Against Dreary Humdrum Duties.
SS (LOW FOREIGN SULTRY): May I have a word with you alone, Mr. Noir.
GK: I was hoping we would. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR (TRUMP, OFF): Hey, where you guys going?
SS (LOLA): Shut up. (TR OFF: Oh. Sorry. Very sorry.) ---- It's like this. Donald gets bored very easily when he campaigns. He gets very low energy. His face sags, his eyes goes blank, he mumbles. We want Donald snarling like a tiger and jabbing with his finger. And your job is to stand next to him and when he goes slack, you stick this in his rear end.
GK: This hypodermic----
SS (LOLA): It's a powerful steroid. It pumps him right up.
GK: So why don't you do it, Miss Mazola?
SS (LOLA): If I stand next to Donald, nobody notices that he is there. Okay?
GK: I get your point. (BRIDGE) So I got aboard the Trump plane (JET LANDING) and we landed in Des Moines and there was a crush of media there (CROWD, SHOUTS, CAMERA SHUTTERS), NBC, CBS, CVS, CIO, NEA, NRA, ABC, DEF, GHI, and he pushed on through and got into a limo and off we went to the arena. (CAR INTERIOR)
GK: Quite a mob scene there.---- you're the hottest thing since the hula hoop.
TR (TRUMP): Yeah, but the (BEEP) problem is---- I don't (BEEP) wanna be president. It's so (BEEP) boring. Foreign policy. What a yawn. And the (BEEP) economists ---- You ever talk to an economist? They're headaches with bow ties. I got the vision, I just don't give a (BEEP) about policy. (BRIDGE)
GK: The event was in a hockey arena and it was packed with people and the stage was about twenty-five feet high. I spoke to the stage manager-----
FN: What's your problem?
GK: Mr. Trump is a little leery of heights, sir. Couldn't we bring him down to maybe six feet?
FN: He's the star. People want to see him. A bright star in the sky.
GK: I know, but ---- how about ten feet?
FN: We set the lights already ---- he's gotta be up that high for the good camera angle.
GK: Okay. Okay. And then there was a tremendous roar (TAPED SFX) as Donald came out on stage.
TR (TRUMP, ASIDE): Oh my god.
GK: He looked down and he got sort of queasy.
TR (TRUMP): Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. (APPLAUSE FADES)
GK: He was a trouper, I'll say that. He got right into it.
TR (TRUMP): Our country is led by stupid stupid people.
Incredibly stupid. So lousy. Feeble.
A bunch of losers since way back when.
But when I get in, America is going to win again.
China and OPEC, they're robbing us blind.
Mexico beats us, time after time.
They take our jobs and send us drugs and crime.
I'll build a wall on the border. Oh yeah, I will.
And the Mexican government is gonna pay the bill.
GK: He stepped back and his face went slack and I thought maybe I should stick a needle in him but he recovered quickly.
TR (TRUMP): I got the passion, I am totally pumped.
Bush and Walker, Chris Christie, they been Trumped.
I'm rich, I make money just to have fun.
I don't owe a thing to anyone.
I'm very popular with Latinos and blacks
And poor people. That's the facts.
Women flirt with me, subconsciously.
All sorts of people get turned on by me.
Why? Because they can see I don't care.
I'm a billionaire with fabulous hair.
Hey, take a look at my socks.
A thousand bucks ---- three pairs in a box.
And look at these shoes, made from jaguar hide.
Cost ten grand, they're all silky inside.
Got radar in the toes so I don't step in holes.
And look at this: I got diamonds on the soles.
(CROWD QUIET ASTONISHMENT)
GK: And he lifted up a foot to show the diamonds on the sole of his shoe and he lost his balance---- (TR TRUMP: Oh no. Look out----)
GK: And he fell off the stage....
TR (TRUMP): (FALLING, SHELL BREAKS, YOLK OOZES OUT) Ohhhhhhhhh.
FN: You all right, sir?
GK: He was not all right. He was a mess, his shell had broken and he was leaking all over, yellowish stuff was oozing out of him. And all the king's horses (SFX) and all the king's men (MALE BUSYNESS, ORDERS) couldn't put Donald Trump back together again.
TR (TRUMP): Just glue the shell together. What's the matter with you? Ya stupid? Glue the pieces together.
GK: They glued the pieces together but he wasn't the same. We got back on the Trump plane and took off (SFX) and he was a little under four feet tall.
TR (SMALL TRUMP): Where is the rest of me, Mr. Noir?
GK: We'll get you back to New York, sir, and you can get some shoes to give you another six or eight inches, and maybe you'll just do television ----- height doesn't matter on TV ---- and don't worry, Lola will figure it out, sir. ---- (MUSIC) But he looked rather sad.
TR (TINY TRUMP): (SINGS)
For what is a man, what has he got?
Once I was me, now I am not.
I said my piece and then I fell;
And as you see I broke my shell.
I was on top and then I stopped -
Way down in Ioway! (BRIDGE)
GK: I got him back to the Trump Tower and I carried him in my arms (TR SMALL TRUMP: Don't drop me. Please.) and got him up to the penthouse and there she was, Buick bumper and all.
SS (LOLA): Get out, Noir. Out. AUS GESCHLOSS.
GK: I think you owe me some money, ma'am.
SS (LOLA): I owe you nothing. I am filing a million-dollar lawsuit against you Monday morning. You destroyed us with your carelessness, your stupidity. You are stupid, Mr. Noir. Stupid, stupid, stupid. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I flew back home at my own expense, about five hundred dollars in the hole, and there was my landlady waiting for me.
SS (DORIS): Where have you been?
GK: I was working for Trump.
SS (DORIS): You owe me money.
GK: He owes me money. So call him up.
SS (DORIS): That's your problem. Pay up tomorrow or you're out on the street. (DOOR SLAM, BRIDGE)
GK: Somebody owes me more than money. A nation owes me a debt of gratitude. That and three bucks will get you a medium latte.
(THEME)
GK SINGS: He's smooth and he's cool and quick with a gun, a master in the boudoir, a guy in a trenchcoat who gets the job done, that's me, Guy Noir.