GK: ....after this message from American Horizontal.
You're 62 and you're so much more active than other guys your age, playing on the church basketball team (SFX) against guys half your age, playing aggressive tennis (SFX), 18 holes of golf (SFX), working out on the ellipticals (SFX), and then one day you step off a curb you didn't know was there ---- FN: Aieeeeee!!! ---- and fall---- (BIG CRACK) and your knee comes apart. The next morning it was the size of a pumpkin. So you go to an orthopedic surgeon and he X-rays it and gives you the bad news.
TR: Your knee is going to need a complete reconstruction. It's called a collateral articular anterior ligament weave and it involves stem cells and the implant of a knee joint from a Shetland pony. It costs about a quarter-million and the success rate is right around 50% and it may not last for more than four years. And you may need to be on pain medications. And no dancing.
FN: And if it's not successful?
TR: Then we give you a stool and teach you to play guitar.
FN (WEEPY): Oh gosh. How did this happen to me???
(TRAGIC CHORDS)
GK: It happened because you were proud of being the most athletic old guy around. Your brother-in-law has barely moved in the past ten years. He sits glued to the TV. (TR: Hiiiiyo!) His knees are fine. So you go through with the knee replacement --- and the OR is like a garage, lots of tools (DRILL) and you can hear them working (CIRCULAR SAW) and there's a hammer and chisel (SFX) ---- TR: Hey, how we doing? You okay? Almost done! ------ (DRILL) and they finish up and you awaken (TWINGES OF PAIN) and the surgeon comes in-----
TR: I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your glutes are too weak probably because of this gluten-free diet you've been on, and so we couldn't do the reconstruction. We just inserted a steel rod from your femur down to your ankle. A pegleg.
SS: This is Renee Flexner, physical therapist. Every day I see ten or fifteen former athletes who ruined their joints by physical exertion. My advice? After the age of 40, lie down. Take a load off. Nothing bad ever happened to someone lying on a couch. Remember that.
GK: A message from American Horizontal.