When I was young and immature
Which was not so long ago
I looked forward to July the 4th
For several months or so.
Thinking about fireworks
Illegal in Minnesota
Studying the catalogs
From Wisconsin and South Dakota.
Wondrous bangers, mighty bombs (SFX),
Every good boy's dream:
Rockets that would split the sky (SFX)
And flash and screech and scream (SFX).
I could hear the smoke and thunder (SFX)
From the catalog I saw,
Explosives so desirable
And forbidden by the law.
Bottle rockets flashing (SFX),
Pinwheels on a tree (SFX),
Roman candles in the yard (SFX),
Complete cacophony (SFX).
Strings of firecrackers (SFX),
Spinners on the walk (SFX),
A thing called Old Faithful (SFX),
And a rocket called Ten O'Clock Rock (SFX).
That's what I dreamed of
But they were expensive
And Dad was sympathetic
But Mom couldn't see the sense of
Spending all that money
On something to be destroyed
So she offered no contribution
And I, being unemployed,
Had only three dollars.
She offered to buy sparklers
Which were more matriarchler.
And I put all the money in my pocket
On the purchase of one enormous rocket.
Our family picnic at Spring Grove
Was ending. The sun went down,
The Eskimo pies came out,
Bug spray was passed around. (SPRAY),
The aunts gossiped, the uncles
Discussed Paul's epistle,
To the Ephesians as I snuck off
To set up my missile.
I set the pin in the dirt,
I watched a cop car cruise
By, I pulled out the matches,
And I lit the fuse. (SFX)
And as I stepped away
My foot kicked the pin
And the rocket tilted south
Toward my kith and kin. (SFX FUSE CONTINUES)
I stopped to straighten it
But the sparks were flying
And it was about to explode,
Which was too terrifying,
And I ducked and ran
And heard an uncle shout,
"Incoming! Hit the decks.
Everybody look out!"
And they all fled
In a panic in the dark
As the rocket stood there,
Giving off sparks (SFX CONTINUES).
And then the fuse glowed
Like a cigarette butt
And then the sparks stopped.
Evidently a dud.
They crouched behind a car,
Silent and frozen,
Anticipating
A terrific explosion.
We waited three minutes
And then, unfraid,
Uncle Don advanced
With a cup of Kool-Aid.
He advanced through the grass
To douse the bomb,
When we heard the screech
Of "No!" from my mom,
And a few sparks dropped
And Uncle Don dove
And the rocket went up
Up in the maple grove. (SFX)
It hit the coffee pot
On the picnic table,
Ricocheted up
Through the leaves of a maple
And into the sky
The rocket flew
And blew up in a shower
Of red, white, and blue.
They did not notice me
Quivering there,
They gathered around
And offered a prayer
Thanking the Lord that their lives were spared.
They held up the coffee pot,
A dent on the side:
"Imagine if it had been us," someone cried.
Elated that tragedy
Turned into farce,
They all sat down
For more coffee and bars
In a mood of merriment
And elation
At having escaped
Extermination.
Teasing each other
At how they had fled,
And dropped to the ground
And covered their heads,
And how our uncle,
Our brave protector,
Had advanced toward the bomb
With a cup of grape nectar.
It was the all-time best
Picnic dinner,
And nobody thought of me,
The sinner,
Who came close to causing
Someone's demise,
But I could not escape
From my mother's eyes.
She knew. I knew she knew.
She knew I knew she did.
And that day I became
A more cautious kid.
We are responsible
For the harm that we do,
Whether or not
We intended to.
But the anticipation
Of enduring pain
May be used
To entertain.
That's comedy.
And every family
Is drawn closer
By a near-calamity.
And the simple fact
That we did not die
When the rocket blew
On the 4th of July. (SFX)