GK: Father's day, a time to reflect on our role as fathers, which is not as big as it used to be. We used to be responsible for fixing things but things got too complicated....
TR (BIG): Plumber here. What seems to be the problem?
GK: Toilet backed up.
TR (BIG): Okay. Outta the way, pops. (OFF) Bring in the hose. (BIG SUCTION)
GK: We used to be responsible for finance but we don't have the skills for that anymore.
SS (FLEXNER): You invested in what? An independent bookstore? Why not just drive around town throwing the money out the window? (STING)
GK: Young people used to ask us for advice. Now we ask them.
---Could you help me? I'm trying to install an app.
FN: You see the Apps icon in the bottom of the screen?
GK: Yeah.
FN: Tap that. And look for the Install button.
GK: Install. Okay.
FN: And then drag the name of the app over to the box where it says Name.
GK: Drag. What do you mean?
FN: Here. Let me do it.
GK: Okay. Thanks. ---- We tried cooking for awhile, but that didn't work.
SS: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? TRYING TO BURN DOWN THE HOUSE?
GK: Just making soup.
SS: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THERE? RABBIT TURDS?
GK: Meatballs.
SS: IT SMELLS HORRIBLE. (smoke alarm) OH BOY. STAND BACK. (FIRE EXTINGUISHER)
GK: The one thing we're still good at is disposing of dead bodies. Mortuary detail.
SS: Honey. Something smells in the basement. I think something died down there.
GK: Okay. I'll go right down and take care of it. (DOOR OPEN) Boy, it's all dark down here. REVERB. SLOW STEPS IN DARK, DOWN STAIRS)
Where's the light switch? (CLICKS OF SWITCH) Guess the light's burnt out. (TENTATIVE DOWN STAIRS) Hope there isn't a missing step. (CREAK) I keep meaning to fix this up ----- Hhhhhhhhhhhhh! Spider's web. Hate those. And now it's crawling in my hair. Can't see if it's a black widow or not. I wonder how quickly their toxins work. Hours? Minutes? Ah, it's gone. (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE, SLOWLY, FEELING WAY) Pitch black down here. (FEELING WITH FOOT) Aw, there's the floor. Feels wet. Odd. (SLOW SQUISHY STEPS) Does smell bad though. Looks like a door over there. A little crack of light under it. (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW) I think I hear something in there. And it's not dead. (FOOTSTEPS STOP. BREATHING) And that's not me breathing. (KNOCKS) Hello? Anybody in there? (DOOR OPEN SLOWLY, CREAKING) All dark in there. Can't see anything.
TR (MONSTER): I can see you.
GK: Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Who's there?
TR (MONSTER): Hrothgar.
GK: Who?
TR (MONSTER): Hrothgar. H-r-o-t-h-g-a-r. Spelled just like it sounds, but the H is silent.
GK: Is that your first name or your last?
TR (MONSTER): Both. It was the first name I ever had and it's also the last.
GK: If you don't mind my asking, what are you doing down here?
TR (MONSTER): We moved in because nobody was using it.
GK: My wife sent me down here because she smelled something bad.
TR (MONSTER): My wife sent me up here for the same reason.
GK: Up here?
TR (MONSTER): We live in the sewer.
GK: Well, no wonder it smells bad then.
TR (MONSTER): Well, it's not me. Let me smell your breath.
(GK EXHALE)
TR (MONSTER): (GASPS, IN DISGUST. SHAKES HEAD) Wow. You smell like peppermint.
GK: What's wrong with that?
TR (MONSTER): My wife despises peppermint.
GK: Your breath smells like dead rodents.
TR (MONSTER): What's the problem?
GK:Listen, you're a monster, you don't belong here, and I don't want to do it, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you.
TR (MONSTER): YOU? KILL ME? Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. (LAUGHING AND CHOKING. CHOKES HARD. HEART ATTACK. COLLAPSES. GROANING)
GK: He was pointing to his mouth like he wanted me to do mouth-to-mouth. No way. And then he lay there very quietly. He died laughing. Not a bad end. It wasn't easy getting him out of the basement. (CHAINSAW STARTING) That's when it comes in handy to have a chainsaw. ----- What's the matter? You don't want me to cut him up with a chainsaw? ----- You seem disgusted. ----- That's the problem with a liberal audience, it really inhibits what you can do in a story. ----- Okay. Never mind. (SAW SHUTS DOWN) So I waved my fairy wand (BIG GLISS) and I turned him into a piece of sculpture and put it in the garden. And I never got credit for taking care of that problem. Never got credit.
SS: I don't know where you got that hideous sculpture but it's giving me nightmares. I put it out on the curb for the junkman. I tell you, I don't know where you get your ideas about art.
GK: But for me, it was enough that I saved their lives. As I have so many times. There are things in the basement that they wouldn't want to know about, wouldn't believe----
SS: It smells like something died down there.
GK: Something did. And I am the one who got rid of it. Me. The rat catcher, the guy who goes after bats with a first-baseman's mitt and a landing net, the guy who knows where the bodies are buried. (HEROIC CHORDS)