GK: brought to you by the VFW ----- Veterans of Failed Weddings. When you need marital counselling, come to someone who's been there more than once. Like me.
FN I donno. I'm having a hard time at home. It just seems like she's angry all the time. I can't do anything right. She told me that we need to get counseling. So I'm coming to you.
GK: So she fills the bathroom shelves with a hundred different lotions and cleansers and emollients and refreshers and a special cream for her eyelids and another for her earlobes, and you have a razor and deodorant, right?
FN: Right.
GK: Live with it. And she shows you two skirts and asks Do you like this? Or Do you like that? And they both look about the same, but she expects an answer, and then whatever you like, she likes the other one. Right?
FN: Exactly.
GK: Live with it. And she drags you to a movie and you sit there in mute agony and afterward in the car, she says: You didn't like it, did you. And you have to insist: no, no, it was good. Very interesting. Right?
FN: Yeah.
GK: So you accept her as she is but you make sure to hang onto the few things that make you happy. Don't give those up.
FN: Well, one thing I really get a lot of pleasure out of is playing tunes on my set of car horns.
GK: I see.
FN: She says I can't do it in the house anymore.
GK: Okay. Play me something.
FN: PLAYS PART OF SONG.
GK: Okay. What else makes you happy?
FN: I know it may seem strange to some people but I get a peculiar pleasure out of shooting bath toys with a pistol.
GK: Okay. A real pistol?
FN: Yep. Like this. (GUNSHOTS, EACH FOLLOWED BY A SQUEAK OF RUBBER DUCK)
GK: Okay. What else gives you pleasure?
FN: Well, this is going to seem weird, I know, but I really love to translate poetry into the Basque language. For example, this is Allen Ginsberg's poem "Howl" translated into Basque. (BASQUE, IN HOWLISH METER)
GK: Okay. Is there more?
FN: No, just basically those three things.
GK: Okay. You want my advice?
FN: Yes.
GK: Why did you get married?
FN: I wanted to be with someone who gets me.
GK: You know something?
FN: What?
GK: I think only another man is going to understand.
FN: Maybe you're right.
GK: A woman is not going to get you.
FN: Probably not.
GK: Look for a guy.
FN: I'm not attracted to guys though.
GK: Find one who loves car horns and guns. A Basque guy.
FN: Basque. Okay. Thanks.
GK: The VFW.....Veterans of Failed Weddings. You want straight talk about marriage, just ask us.