GK: ---- Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Your kids grow up and graduate from Wayne State (TR: Bye, mom! CD: Bye! SS: Bye, kids!) and finally, after twenty years of living with teenagers, you can redecorate (SS: Yes! Yes! YES!!) and make a beautiful home (SS: A home! A beautiful home in Detroit. A home without dog hair! No old underwear down behind the sofa cushions.) - so you call in a designer, a thin man in blue striped pants and a red sportcoat (FN: Hi. I love these floors! I adore the woodwork.) and he draws up plans and sends an estimate (OPEN ENVELOPE) and you faint (SS FAINT, FALL, JUNK RATTLES) and the next day a bulldozer clears out your son's collection of old pizza boxes and beer cans (JUNK, ENGINE) and high-powered hoses are brought in to remove the grunge from the basement (HOSES) and the carpet is taken up by guys with jackhammers (SFX)...and there's some wads of gum on the floor that need to be blown up (EXPLOSIONS) - and finally all the demolition is finished and the plumber comes, an old galoot with enough hair in his ears to stuff a pillow. (TR PLUMB: These pipes are all full of asbestos. RIPPING.) And he rips out the pipes (RIPPING, METAL BANGING) and you ask the question that clients ask, SS: How long will it take? FN: About six weeks.) And you know the real answer is. FN: About a year and a half.) So you buy some camping equipment and you drive to Yellowstone and you pitch a tent (POUNDING STAKES)...
GK: ...which is very dangerous for a married couple (SS: Darling, I know you were an Explorer Scout, but---- you're tying that tent rope with the wrong knot. Instead of a bowline hitch, you should use a double sheep shank. TR: YOU---- ARE TELLING ME---- HOW TO PITCH A TENT??? YOU? A STUDIO ARTS MAJOR? SS: I'm only trying to be helpful. TR: I want out of this marriage, Susan. SS: Whatever.) And he pitches his own tent thirty feet away and that night you're awakened by the sound of his tent collapsing on him. (SFX. TR MUFFLED STRUGGLE) And then the sound of a large animal. (BEAR ATTACK, TR CRY OF PAIN) A Grizzly is devouring your husband. All you have for a weapon is bug repellent. (SFX) So the next day you take the body back home and there's a memorial service. (SS: There really was nobody quite like Kent. We were married for all those years and I can honestly say that every day was what it was and then it was followed by another. Life is different without him.) And Kent's million-dollar life insurance benefit enables you to stay in a nice hotel (FN: Welcome to the Detroit Marriott Renaissance Hotel) and you live in a penthouse on the 70th floor from which you're able to see your home and watch the construction ----- (SS: Ah, the atrium looks almost done. And the conservatory. The swimming pool is gorgeous.) And you fall in love with a bellman. (FN DEEP: Let me help you with those bags, ma'am. And while I'm at it, let me just throw you over my shoulder. SS: Wheee!) And everything is wonderful again. You leave the hotel and go to your new home...
GK: It's beautiful. (SS: I'm so happy. A beautiful home. And you, darling Larry. FN SINGS: THERE'S A PLACE FOR US. SOMEHOW. SOMEWHERE. ) You light two candles, unity candles. And then you see a shadow moving down the hall. CD: Mom?
SS: Kaylie?
CD: I came back home, Mom. I want to write a memoir. Who's this, Mom?
SS: This is Larry.
CD: No, it's not. His name is Wendell. I used to date him.
FN: Uhhhhh. It's a long story, Susan.
CD: And there's an exterminator here, Mom. He says we have bedbugs.
SS: What??????
TR: STAND BACK. THIS IS HIGHLY FLAMMABLE. (BIG LONG SPRAY)
SS: Wait!!! The unity candles!!!! (BIG EXPLOSION)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.