(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Yosemite Yoghurt, made from coyote milk so it helps promote sneakiness ---- and now here's today's adventure with Dusty and Lefty......
(TRAFFIC, HEAVY)
GK: Man, the traffic in Washington is something fierce, isn't it. It never lets up.
TR: I never thought I'd miss Cody, Wyoming, but I am starting to.
GK: Well, we came to Washington for a good job. Assistants to the Democratic Whip, U.S. House of Representatives.
TR: Same work. We're rounding up strays.
GK: We're gathering members of the Democratic minority and heading them toward the floor of the House for votes.
TR: Where they don't want to go because they just wind up getting slaughtered. Same work we did with cattle.
GK: Whatever. All I know is that Congressional staff include some of the handsomest women I've ever seen.
TR: You got that right.
GK: And if one should take a shine to me, I'd hang up my boots and saddle and get me a swivel chair and shoes with tassels.
TR: You think you could live in a place like Washington?
GK: For the right woman, I'd do just about anything and at this point in my life, even the wrong ones look good.
TR: I know what you mean.
GK: Met a woman named Maureen and she talks too much and she's on the heavy side but you could run some of that off her and I could learn how to not listen. But I think that if I'm gonna stand a chance with anybody, I better get these eyebrows trimmed.
TR: I would say so.
GK: I keep them bushy to shade my eyes, but now I've got sunglasses. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
FN: So ----- how much you want me to take off, mister?
GK: Well, I met this woman, Maureen, and I'd like my eyebrows trimmed quite a bit.
FN: Okay. (SNIPPING)
GK: Didn't this barbershop used to be called Federal Barbers?
FN: Yep. (SNIPPING)
GK: Why'd you rename it Liberty Hair Styling?
FN: Well, we used to operate under a whole lot of rules and regulations. And now since the Republicans took the majority, and got the government off our backs, we barbers are free to use our own judgment and express ourselves.
GK: Okay, but try to keep your mind on what you're doing up there.
FN: Just telling you how I feel, that's all. No reason to snap at me. Where you from anyway?
GK: I'd rather not say.
FN: You smell like you've been around cattle.
GK: Maybe I have. So what? Just cut my hair, dang it.
FN: I met cowboys before. In Leavenworth prison. That's where they taught me barbering. I was in for highway robbery but now I just cut hair. (SNIPPING)
GK: It feels like you're taking an awful lot off the top.
FN: I thought you said you were going in the Marines.
GK: I was talking about a girl named Maureen! (LET ME LOOK IN THE MIRROR) Oh my gosh---you cut all my hair off.
FN: Well, it'll grow back.
GK: I came in for a haircut and you make me look like I came out of the lunatic asylum.
FN: That'll be fifty dollars, plus ten bucks for the tip.
GK: Not from me. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. SLAM. MUSIC. FIFTEEN FOOTSTEPS, THEN STOP)
SS: Afternoon, mister. Welcome to the Liberty saloon.
What happened to your hair? Looks like you been through a brush fire.
GK: It's a new style.
SS: New style among people with head lice......
What can I get you?
GK: Liberty saloon, huh? What does that mean? You make a martini and toss in some olive oil and creme de menthe and whatever else you feel like?
TR (BOEHNER): No, it just means that this is an American saloon so don't expect to get French wines.
GK: Speaker Boehner?
TR (BOEHNER): That's right. We've got red wine, we've got white wine, and we've got blue wine.
GK: Where does that come from?
TR (BOEHNER): I don't know. Democrats drink it. I don't.
GK: How about you bring me a Dos Equis?
TR (BOEHNER): Never heard of it.
GK: Mexican beer.
TR (BOEHNER): Now you're pulling my chain, aren't you.
GK: It's a good beer.
TR (BOEHNER): What kind of a name is that for a beer? Doss Ekkies? What are Ekkies? That sounds like a child's beer. Ekkies.
GK: They serve beer to small children back in Ohio?
TR (BOEHNER): You bet they do. It's good for em. It counter-acts the fluoride.
GK: The fluoride.
TR (BOEHNER): Fluoride the government put in the water.
GK: What about it?
TR (BOEHNER): It makes you funny. Gives you funny ideas.
GK: Like what?
TR (BOEHNER): This whole gay thing ---- it didn't happen back before fluoride.
GK: Neither did GPS.
TR (BOEHNER): Gay Person Sonar.
GK: Is that what it is?
TR (BOEHNER): You know it and I know it. Watch yourself, that's all I can say. You care for a Schmidt?
GK: I gotta run. Gotta round up some Democrats.
TR (BOEHNER): They're over at the New Deal deli.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I got out of the Liberty Saloon and went to the New Deal Deli and (JINGLE OF BELLS) went in and there were three women behind the counter.
SJ: Hello. Welcome to the New Deal. I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy.
AO: Which is fine, and under our public accommodations act, you have every right to be here, but we have a rule against whooping and spitting, okay?
SW: And no fighting, no kicking or biting or eye-gouging or ear-biting, no throwing of anyone over the counter or rolling down stairs or jumping off a roof onto the back of a horse or other animal.
GK: Okay.
SJ: Could you sign here, acknowledging that you accept these terms and conditions?
GK: Okay.
SW: You look rough, mister. Like you been rode hard and put up wet.
GK: "Rode hard and put up wet" ---- that's a cowboy saying.
SW: Right. We used to be cowgirls.
GK: No.
SJ: We were the Buckarettes.
GK: The singing trio. You performed at rodeos. I saw you in Cheyenne once.
TRIO (SINGS, CIRCLE GAME):
Rows and floes of Holstein hair
And piles of cowpies everywhere.
And clouds of cowpies in the air,
I've looked at cows that way.
And often they are not much fun
They step on you, they weigh a ton
So many things I would have done
But cows got in my way
Cows and big bow-wows and birds
And knowing how to say the words,
Hurt and dirt and piles of turds,
I've looked at cows that way.
But now my cows are acting strange,
They do not like Home On The Range,
Something in their life has changed
They look at me that way.
I've looked at cows from both sides now
From front and back and still somehow
It's their uniqueness I observe
I cannot see them as a herd.
GK: That's beautiful. I share your feelings.
SJ: You do? Really?
GK: Wrote a song about it.
(SINGS)
Some people are cruel to cattle,
On account of their lower IQ
But from where I sit in the saddle,
I see them as comrades, I do.
I look at each cow as a sister
And do not use a whip or spur
Cause each little ruminant
I imagine there's a human in it
And you cannot spell herd without her.
SJ: You know if it weren't for your bad hair, you could join our singing group.
GK: I don't think so. I wish I could but---- no.
AO: Why not? We'll get you a wig.
GK: No. The problem is that I'd like it too much and I'd fall in love with one of you and the others would get jealous-----
SW, SJ: We wouldn't Really. We promise.
GK: And then we'd break up and I'd be crushed and I'd go back out West with a broken heart and ----it's just better to walk away from something good before you come to depend on it.
SJ: You really are a cowboy, aren't you.
AO: Yeah, that's cowboy thinking all right.
SW: We could retrain you to think more positive.
GK: I've got my doubts about that.
SJ: You have issues? Tell us about them.
GK: Got nothing but issues, ma'am. But it's better than having no life at all.
TR: Hey, Lefty!
GK: Dusty, where you been?
TR: Waiting for you. (HORSE WHINNY)
GK: Don't know what to do, pardner.
TR: Sure you do. You got three beautiful women who want you to join their singing group ---- no way that is going to turn out to be anything but a huge disappointment.
GK: You're right.
(HE SINGS):
Come and sit by my side if you love me
(ALL SING):
Do not hasten to bid me adieu.
Just remember the night we were singing
And the wolves they were all singing too.
TR: C'mon, pardner. Let's ride. (WHOOPS, HORSES GALLOP)
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by the AFL-CIO, the Abject Friendless and Lonesome Cowboys and Indians Organization....Maybe you're a member and you don't even know it. (MUSIC OUT)