GK: flew down here on the Minnesota airline Frigidaire, the only scheduled airline that flies ski planes, and it was a heck of a trip. I live out in the woods a mile off the road and before I go I have to feed the sled dogs (DOGS YAPPING) who are tied up by the cabin and that wakes up the bear who (SFX) hibernates in the outhouse and so I have to put him back to sleep ----- (SINGS) Bears should be unconscious, when the snow is deep, so pull up your haunches, barely fall asleep. Amen.) (BEAR SNORING) ----- and then I had to snowshoe out (SFX) through the woods and deal with the cougar (SNARL) ----- Oh come on, give me a break. (SNARL) I've got a plane to catch. Out of my way. (COUGAR WHINE) And then I'm on the snowmobile to go to town (SFX) and there I catch the freight train to Minneapolis (SFX) and I jump off the train where it crosses the Mississippi and I grab a piece of cardboard and slide down the hill (SFX) to the airport and go through airport security (FN: Any liquids, creams, or gels?) ---- No, sir. Just some cheese. And they put me through the body scanner (HUM) ---- FN: Okay. You're clear. If you don't mind my saying so, you look like you could stand to lose a few pounds.) And I dash down (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, SERIES OF "EXCUSE ME"S) to the far end of Terminal J to the Frigidair gate and the pilot is taking tickets, he's 70 and he's wearing a leather flight helmet ---- (FN OLD GUY: You aware that you're seated in an exit row? GK: Yes, sir. FN: You prepared to take over the plane in the event I should pass out? GK: Yes, sir. FN: You've read the flight manual? GK: Yes, sir. ----- His copilot is a caribou (SFX) And the flight attendants are German shepherds. (WOOFS). So the plane takes off (AIRPLANE, ENGINE MISSING) and the flight attendants hand out saltines and blindfolds (WOOFS) and flying over Nevada the pilot comes on the horn (FN P.A.: This is your pilot. We seem to be low on fuel so we're going to be gliding for the next half hour or so.) and he shuts off the engine (SLIPSTREAM) and he finds some updrafts (PASSENGER REACT) and the flight attendants feel queasy (DOG NAUSEA) and the pilot comes back to me and (FN: Take over the controls, I've got to tinkle, okay?) So I go up to the cockpit and the caribou is not feeling well (SFX) and I try to start the engine (STARTS, THEN COUGHS AND DIES) and I have to bring the plane in on skis in San Diego Bay and (SFX) I've got a helicopter off my right wing (CHOPPER PASSING CLOSE) and I've got air traffic control in my ear (RADIO GIBBERISH) and and we've run out of gas (ENGINE GASPING, STOPS) and I'm doing my best to land this thing (COCKPIT WARNING: one hundred feet......fifty feet......forty feet......oh my gosh......oh my gosh.....oh my gosh......look out.......look out.......PLANE LANDS ON WATER) and we land on water, just missing a Coast Guard cutter------ FN BULLHORN: Who taught you to fly, idiot?GK: I'm an English major, sir.
FN ON BULLHORN); Oh, okay. BY WHOM WERE YOU TAUGHT TO FLY, IDIOT?
GK: Anyway, it's good to be here in San Diego.