GK: I grew up out at the far edge of the known world where you could stand on a hill and look out into a vast emptiness (WIND OF EMPTINESS) where only a few had ever ventured and those who did had never returned (DISTANT HOWL). There was nothing to do out there --- the movie theater had been crushed by snow (CRUNCHING, CRASHING) and the pool hall burned down when the men's room exploded one night. (BOOM AND FIRE EXPLOSION). The winters were brutal and the summers were too and the food was almost inedible, and the church was no comfort to us. We belonged to The Will of God Church, that believed that wherever you are, that's where you're supposed to be. When I was ten years old, a boy said to me:
TR: You're weird. You know that? Weird.
GK: And that stuck with me. At night I could hear it over and over.
TR (REVERB): You're weird. Very weird.
GK: I couldn't get away from it.
FN (SINGS): WEIRD. YOU ARE SO WEIRD.
IT IS JUST AS WE FEARED.
YOU ARE WEIRD.
GK: It kept going around and around in my head.
RD, RK, TR, SS (SING, TO "AMERICA"):
You are so very weird,
You are extremely weird.
Yes, you are weird.
GK: And so I spent a lot of time in my room, alone. And I invented an imaginary girlfriend named Cheryl.
BC: Hi.
GK: Hi.
BC: I'm Cheryl.
GK: I know. How was the trip in?
BC: Okay. ---- Where am I?
GK: You're here. In my room.
BC: Oh. Nice room.
GK: Thanks.
BC: So you make model airplanes?
GK: I do. My dream is to become a pilot someday and build a real plane and fly away from here and never come back.
BC: You must be incredibly smart.
GK: What makes you think so?
BC: Well, to invent a sophisticated person like me ---- quite a piece of work. How do you like this slinky green dress with diamonds all over it and the rubies on my shoes?
GK: The red boa goes really well with those. And the purple hair.
BC: Thanks. Would you mind lighting me a Lucky Strike cigarette?
GK: Glad to. I have a lighter right here. (LIGHTER) There you go.
BC: Thanks. (SHE TAKES A DRAG, THEN EXHALES)
You know what would be even more cool ---- if you create an imaginary friend for me so that when you're not around I'll have someone to talk to.
GK: I'm not gone that much, actually.
BC: I'd like to have an imaginary girlfriend of my own.
GK: But then she would come between you and me----
BC: I don't think so. You'd be twice as popular ----
GK: Well. Okay. (GLISS)
JS: Wow. Whoa. What's going on here? Who are you?
BC: I'm your imaginary sister.
JS: Great. I'm Sheila.
BC: I'm Cheryl. Pleasure to meet you. Hey, we're wearing identical dresses.
JS: Slinky green and rubies on our shoes. I love it.
BC: We ought to form a singing group.
JS: Beautiful! What should we call ourselves?
BC: The Premiers.
JS: I love it.
GK: What about me?
JS: Is there an echo in here?
GK: Me. Over here. Your inventor.
JS: Do you hear something?
BC: Nope.
JS: Do you know----- (SHE SINGS) You can't hurry love, no, you just got to wait----
BC/JS (SING): Love don't come easy now, it's a game of give and take.
BC: Cool. How about (SINGS)---- R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
BC/JS (SING):
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB
Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me).
GK: That sounds really good, but it's not what I had in mind for you---- hey? Hello?
JS: Try this one. (SINGS) You make me feel
BC/JS (SING);
You make me feel
You make me feel like a natural woman
Oh, baby, what you done to me?
You make me feel so good inside
And I just wanna be close to you
You make me feel so alive
You make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like a natural woman.
GK: HELLO??? Hey. Could I say something?
BC: Is there a radio on somewhere?
JS: Right over there.
BC: Oh. That's where that's coming from. (CLICK)
GK: And when she turned off the radio, I disappeared. Or they did. I forget which. It was hard for me. Very hard. And I invented an imaginary therapist.
SS: So---- let's pick up where we left off last week. You had two imaginary friends and they left you.
GK: Right. I invented them. They were supposed to do as I said and they ignored me.
SS: Now you know how God felt about Adam and Eve. They ate the apple and discovered there's a big world out there beyond the garden.
GK: But what about me?
SS: Listen, it's 2015. You can't own people anymore. That was settled a hundred and fifty years ago.
GK: So I have to just get over it and move on.
SS: Exactly.
GK: When I invented you, that's not what I wanted you to tell me.
SS: What did you want me to tell you?
GK: That if I turn the radio back on, they'll come back and we'll be together and we'll be in the Premiers together.
SS: You can't turn the radio back on. They have the radio. You don't.
GK: So we can't sing together?
SS: Sing "You Can't Hurry Love"----
GK: You want me to sing it?
SS: Just sing it.
GK (SINGS): You can't hurry love, no, you just got to wait....
SS: I don't think so. Sorry. (BRIDGE)
GK: I went into radio trying to find them there and I've been looking for years and meanwhile I invented this town called Lake Wobegon....
And invented characters in it, like Marjorie Krebsbach and Irene Bunsen.
JS: That's right. Except I don't care for the name Marjorie, so they call me Crystal now.
BC: And I didn't care for Irene either, so I'm Isabella.
GK: I don't think so.
BC: I know so. Things are changing there, mister. It's not a sleepy little town anymore.
JS: I'll say. We got hot yoga going on now. Nobody dances the polka anymore. We dance hip-hop. Much cooler moves.
BC: Got tired of the oompah-oompah.
JS: I'll say. Sons of Knute ---- that's gone. It's a Mediterranean restaurant now,called the Kabbalah Cafe.
BC: Love the hummus. We're about to change the name of the town, too. Town council votes on it on Tuesday.
GK: Change it to what? You can't do that.
BC: Did you hear something?
JS: Didn't hear a thing. I love the new name. I don't know why they didn't name it that a long time ago. Wobegon. What a sad excuse for a name that is.
BC: It's expensive to change. Got to paint new signs. New letterhead.
JS: Hope Springs. I love it.
BC: We voted and Hope Springs beat out Candelaria.
JS: I liked Candelaria but I like Hope Springs even more.
GK: Okay. That's enough. (CLICK) Not listening to that anymore. Turning to a different station. Back in a few minutes.
(BEETHOVEN MOVEMENT)