...(THEME)
TR: And now....Guy's Shoes and Men's Wear brings you......THE MANLY THEATER......today, a play for radio entitled "HOW DANNY GOT TO HARVARD" ----
(MUSIC UNDER.....)
TR: Our story begins in the town of Smallville, where a boy named Danny plays alone in his backyard (FN HUMMING), a boy who dreams of someday being somebody and not the oddball he is. He wears thick glasses and has big feet and a therapy dog named Wolfowitz ---- and the only person who is kind to Danny is his uncle Buddy who comes now and then to store stuff in his parents' garage.
CT: Hi Danny. How you doing? Your folks at home?
FN: Oh, hi, Uncle Buddy. No, Mom and Dad went to Arizona for a week.
CT: And left you all alone???
FN: Just me and Wolfowitz. (WOOF).
CT: You okay being alone, Danny?
FN: Sure. I have no social skills anyway so it doesn't really matter. Do you think I'm weird?
CT: Not at all, pal.
FN: Other kids think I'm weird. At school they call me Fish Face. Do you think I look like a fish, Uncle Buddy?
CT: Many fish are beautiful in their own way, Danny.
FN: Beautiful to other fish, sure, but not in a cross-species way.
CT: Okay, but the name Fish Face is not necessarily an insult.
FN: Which particular fish do you think I look like?
CT: Let me think about that, pal. Anyway, I gotta get some stuff out of your garage.
FN: Okay. ---- You're a thief, aren't you, Uncle Buddy---- that's stolen stuff you hide in our garage.
CT: How do you know I steal stuff?
FN: I may look like a fish, Uncle Buddy, but I'm no dope.
CT: Is it because I wear a black shirt and a white tie and smoke unfiltered cigarettes and drive a fast car?
FN: No, it's that you have a blonde in the car, a blonde you call "Doll"----- that's the giveaway. (CHORD)
CT: Hey, Doll! Come here!!!!
(LONG WALK, HIGH HEELS, AND STOP)
SS (CHEWING GUM): Whatcha want, Buddy Boy? Who's the kid?
CT: My nephew Danny---- Danny, meet Doll Face.
SS: Hi, kid. You can call me Ramona.
CT: Danny is onto us, Doll Face. He figured out the scam. The game is up.
SS: He doesn't look smart enough to figure out anything, Buddy Boy. The kid looks like a walleye. Let's grab the loot and scram, get back to the hideout and meet the gang.
CT: Wait for me in the car, Doll Face. I gotta have a talk with the kid.
SS: "Wait in the car"!! First it's Come Here, then it's Wait In The Car. All my life I been waiting in the car!! I'm tired of waiting in the car!! I want to cash in some loot and buy us a house, Buddy Boy, so I can wait in the house.
CT: Awright, awright, awright......(HIGH HEELS AWAY)
(CT CLEARS THROAT, GATHERS THOUGHTS) It's like this, kid. I'm a musician --- you know that----
FN: An unemployed musician.
CT: You've been listening to your mother, huh? Okay, yeah--- unemployed ----- cause my music was too far out for most people. I was the only man to play all of Stravinsky's "The Rite of Spring" on the mandolin. I need money to put out the CD and promote it. So---- larceny is my only chance. Open the garage door, Danny. (SFX)
(FOOTSTEPS)
FN: Wow, Uncle Buddy----- what's this?
CT: This right here is a very rare Stradivarius banjo. (FN BANJO PLUNKING) The only banjo Stradivarius made. There's no way to estimate it's worth. Probably millions of dollars.
FN: Wow. And right here in our garage.
CT: And this is a rare Bobby Burns bagpipe, owned by the great poet himself. Listen. (BAGPIPE) Worth a bundle. And right here is the fine 17th century mandolin made by the famous luthier, Sir Roebuck.
FN: Sir Roebuck?
CT: The first name in mandolins. (HE PLAYS A FEW CHORDS)
FN: And you stole them-----
CT: From tycoons who owned them as an investment and kept them locked in a vault ---- instruments are meant to be played and to bring joy into people's hearts.
FN: But it's wrong to steal.
CT: Life is complicated, Danny. Come on. Help me load the stuff in the car. (BRIDGE)
TR: And young Danny and his uncle Buddy loaded the rare instruments in the car and Danny squeezed in between Buddy and Doll Face and they drove out of Smallville to an abandoned mineshaft outside Center City where the gang hung out.
(FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)
FN: Who's here, Uncle Buddy?
CT: Some guys I work with, Danny.
SS: So keep your trap shut, kid. These fellas have a short fuse. They don't like surprises.
(KNOCK.)
BC: Who goes there?
CT: It's me, Danny.
BC: You're supposed to say the password.
CT: I forgot it.
BC: We all memorized the password.
CT: Bill Monroe!
BC: That was yesterday's password.
CT: David Grisman.
BC: That was last week.
CT: I forgot.
BC: We changed it this morning.
CT: To what?
BC: B107gzl64b.
CT: How'm I supposed to remember that??
BC: The rest of us did.
DR: Let him in, Mickey.
BC: Enter! (DOOR OPENS)
DR: Hey. Who's the kid with the fish face?
CT: My nephew Danny. He has low self-esteem so don't stare at
him. ----
TR (RICO): We got problems, Buddy. We gotta talk.
CT: What's wrong?
DR: You remember the rare Sir Roebuck mandolin we swiped in Chicago?
CT: Yeah.
DR: Mickey just found a whole truckload of Sir Roebuck mandolins in a Salvation Army store in St. Paul.
CT: So?
DR: So I doubt that these things are worth what you say they're worth.
CT: So-----? We still got the Stradivarius banjo.
DR: I'm starting to doubt the authenticity of that.
BC: We're starting to think that we've turned to crime and wound up with a bunch of worthless junk. You've invented a new felony, Buddy ---- non-profit robbery.
CT: Well ----- I'm an artist. Like the rest of you. I've got no background in crime.
DR: So this means I'll never finish my sculpture.
BC: And my poems will never get published.
FN: You're a poet??? You don't look like a poet. You're bald.
BC: So was Theodore Roethke, kid. Pablo Neruda. E.E. Cummings. William Carlos Williams. Billy Collins.
FN: Billy Collins??? Who's he??
BC: Young, up and coming guy, gifted poet, champion golfer, confidant to attractive women, and competitive tango dancer.
CT: Hey, Doll Face----- how about you take Danny into the kitchen and fix him an egg salad sandwich or something---- okay?
SS: I say we sell the Strad and split the dough. So me and you can finally buy us that little bungalow you been promising me, huh, Buddy?
CT: It's "you and I," Doll Face. Not "me and you"------
SS: Huh?
CT: You and I can buy that little bungalow-----
SS: That's what I said. C'mon, kid. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
SS: What you want to drink with your sandwich, kid?
FN: How about root beer?
SS: Don't got none. All we got is gin.
FN: What are they going to do with me, Ramona?
SS: Don't worry. You'll be okay.
FN: People keep telling me that. But I took an aptitude test in school. I don't have any.
SS: You must have some-----
FN: Not an iota. Not even a smidgen. I want to go to Harvard so I can make my Mom and Dad happy but I don't think I can pass the entrance exam. I get so nervous taking tests, I can hardly remember my own name.
SS: It's Danny.
FN: It's so confusing. My beloved uncle, a felon, and me, an incompetent test-taker. What will ever happen to me? ---- Is that good grammar? Or should it be "Whatever will happen to me?"
SS: You're asking the wrong person. (BRIDGE)
TR: Meanwhile, in the next room -----
DR: I say we sell the Stradivarius and divvy it up fair and square.
CT: That'd come to about four hundred grand per guy. Plus Doll Face.
TR (RICO): The doll gets a full share? Since when?
CT: It's Two-thousand-fifteen, Rico.
BC: Quit the yakking and let's play some poker.
(CARD GAME SOUNDS)
BC: My deal--- aces and deuces wild, low man calls, five-dollar lead, no inkles, two down and you're out.
CT: I don't get it.
TR (RICO): What's this game called?
BC: It's called Spit in the Wind.
TR (RICO): I hate this game.
BC: (DEALING) Two up, two down, and one in the pocket. There you go. Read 'em and weep, boys. Dealer goes. (CARD SLAP) I call man in the hall. (CARD SLAP) And one for your mother. (CARD) Weiners! (SLAP)
TR (RICO): A pair of twos, I'm out.
BC: I call. (SLAP) One more behind the door. (SLAP) And one in the oven. (SLAP) Gophers in the woodpile. (SLAP)You're out, Buddy. Looks like my jack takes the crib. (GATHERS COINS)
CT: How come I don't get to see your cards?
BC: That's the rules, Buddy. Okay, dealer shuffles again.
(SHUFFLE) Aces high or low, ten bucks, two calls and you go to the dump, lady in the cloister, six or higher to open, and stand on your bid or walk through the soup. Okay? everybody understand? (DEALING)
CT: What you doing with your share, Duke?
BC: Publish my poems.
DR: I didn't know you were a poet.
BC: You saw me sitting around for hours looking out the window and quietly weeping-----
DR: What sort of poems you write?
BC: "Whose house is this I think I know, he's gone out to the
forest though, he will not see me stopping here, to swipe his TV and his dough. My little horse must think it weird to wear fake glasses and fake beard, he gives his harness bells a shake, the moment that I disappeared. Into the house. A piece of cake. Jewelry, all free to take. Money lying all around. Thank God the dog is not awake."
DR: I like it. And you, Buddy?
CT: After I put out my Stravinsky CD, I'm putting out my Charles Mingus CD-----
DR: Oh boy......
CT: I'm the only person in America to play Charles Mingus on solo mandolin. (HE NOODLES MINGUSLIKE ON MANDO)
TR (RICO): Is there a big market for that nowadays?
CT: I'm gonna make a market for it.
BC: What about that bungalow you promised Doll Face?
CT: She's gonna have to wait.
(FAST HIGH-HEEL FOOTSTEPS IN)
SS: Buddy----- I did something wrong.
CT: What?
SS: I feel so dumb.
CT: What'd you do, Doll Face?
SS: I called my mother on the phone.
BC: We told you not to use the phone.
SS: I called her up and said we'd be leaving in a day or two and heading down to Florida.
CT: I wish you hadn't, Doll Face.
SS: And I heard all these funny clicks on the phone line!
BC: It's a wiretap. The coppers are onto us. We gotta beat it.
TR (RICO): Oh boy! Weeks and weeks of work and all for what? A bunch of worthless mandolins and ----- (BIG CRUNCH)--- oh oh.
CT: YOU SAT ON THE BANJO!!!!!!!!
TR (RICO): Jeeze, I'm sorry.
CT: THE STRADIVARIUS BANJO!!!!!!
BC: That was our meal ticket!!!
DR: You busted our endowment.
FN: Oh gosh. This is awful.
(GENERAL CONSTERNATION)
DR: Hold it right there.
CT: The only Strad banjo in the world and you busted it.
DR: Shuddup. I hear something.
(DISTANT SIREN)-
BC: Oh oh. The cops! I'm getting out of here. Back to teaching English for me, I'm afraid.
CT: Danny!!!! Doll Face!!!!(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) C'mon, we gotta get out of here! (CAR STARTS) In the car!!!!
SS: What about the money???
CT: No time for that.
FN: Where we going, Uncle Buddy?
CT: Hang on!!!!
(CHASE SEQUENCE, MUSIC, SQUEALING TIRES, ROARING ENGINES, SIREN)
TR: The fast car took off down the dirt road, fishtailing around the corner, with the coppers in hot pursuit getting closer and closer (SIREN CLOSER, GUNSHOTS)
CT: Throw those carpet tacks out on the highway, Danny! Throw out the tacks!
SS: That big sack of tacks there on the back seat!! Throw em out!!!! (MUSIC)
TR: And the fish-faced boy threw out the tacks and the police cars (TIRES EXPLODING) ran over them and got flat tires and (MUSIC FADES, CAR REDUCES SPEED) they were safe and they drove a ways farther and turned off into the town of Shady Corners and stopped in front of the drugstore. (CAR STOP, DOOR OPEN)
CT: Well, it's time to say goodbye, Danny. The bus stops here that'll take you back to Smallville and Doll Face and I are going to head south and get warm.
FN: When will I see you again, Uncle Buddy?
CT: I'll be in touch as soon as this all blows over. Here's twenty bucks and here's a special gift for you. The Robert Burns bagpipe. Should be worth a million or two.
FN: Wow. Thanks.
SS: You take good care of yourself, Danny.
CT: And take good care of the bagpipe. That's what'll pay your way through Harvard.
FN: Harvard?? Me?? You gotta be kidding.
SS: Bye. It was fun. Remember to keep smilin'.
FN: Bye. (CAR PULLS AWAY)
TR: The fish-faced boy stood under the striped awning of Acme Drugs and waited for the bus to come. And then he heard (WOOFS) his old dog Wolfowitz bounding toward him.
FN: Wolfowitz! I'm so glad to see you. What's this in your mouth?? (DOG PANTING) It looks like a letter. From Harvard. Give. (DOG GROWLS) Give. ---- Why it is. I've been admitted to Harvard. On full scholarship. So I can use the money from the bagpipes to buy a new face. (BRIDGE)
TR: And so he did. (SURGICAL SOUNDS, VENT, MURMUR OF DOCTOR VOICES) A team of surgeons fixed his walleyed look and his thin fishy lips and gave him a nose to breathe through rather than his gills, which they covered with big hairy sideburns. Meanwhile, Uncle Buddy made a CD with Doll Face
(LA VIE EN ROSE, MANDO)
SS (SINGS): We have got a bungalow
Far from ice and snow
Down in San Diego.
We have got two orange trees
Whispering in the breeze
Down in San Diego.
TR: And Duke returned to teaching freshman English.
BC: How many of you know what a metaphor is? Who wants to break the ice??? Who wants to ring my bell? A metaphor, people. Grab the brass ring and give me an example of a metaphor.
(THEME)
TR: What will happen to Danny now that he is drop-dead gorgeous? Can Rico repair the banjo he sat on and get the money he needs for Aunt Tootie's operation? Will Uncle Buddy's Charles Mingus CD be a hit with jazz critics? Join us again in the very near future for the Manly Theater, brought to you by Guy's Shoes.
(THEME OUT)