GK: Mr. Fred Newman is with us tonight who is appealing his fine by the Better Broadcasting Board for his performance on the show last week when the script called for him to do a brook trout and instead, Fred did a broken toilet (FLUSH) --- which violated the Code of Good Taste that governs this show, so Fred filed an appeal and then in protest he decided he would not do today's show ----- (FN: I'll show 'em---- let 'em get Newt Fredericks, huh? Ha!) ----- Newt Fredericks is Fred's understudy and he tries but he has problems with things like elephants (BAD ELEPHANT) and gunshots (BLAM BLAM) and he's very good with primates (SFX) but he cannot do cats (BAD MEOW) or horse whinnies (BAD WHINNY), so when Newt is doing sound effects we tend to do a lot of stories about orangutangs (SFX) and spider monkeys (SFX) and chimpanzees (SFX), baboons (SFX), gibbons (SFX) and lemurs (SFX). ---- so Fred went to his 800-acre Connecticut estate with the peacocks (SFX) and flamingoes (SFX) and salt-water pool (DIVE, SPLASH) and a half-mile of protected private oceanfront (FN ROBOT: Stay away from the beach. Stay off the sand.) where Fred likes to ride his horse (HOOVES, WHINNY) along the beach, while casting for grouper (CAST, SPLASH) ---- and you may be wondering, how can a man in public radio afford a palatial home on the ocean, it's very simple ---- everytime one of Fred's animal sounds is used, he earns $189.85, union scale. Every animal sound he makes. (BARK) $189.85. Every sound he makes...
GK: ...Everytime it's used. (MEOW, RATTLESNAKE, DOLPHIN, EAGLE CRY, WALRUS, HYENA ) It's a real cash cow for Fred. (MOO) It's the goose that lays the golden egg ---- (GOOSE).
Meanwhile Newt was working on his elephant cry (ATTEMPTS) in preparation for today's show, and his whiplash (BAD WHIP) and his Lamborghini idling (RRRMMM RRRMMMM) when he drank his coffee too fast and he scorched his throat and (HOARSENESS) he could hardly make any sound at all (HOARSENESS), so we were prepared to bring you a recorded show of a discussion of challenges in our relations with Canada (MALE VOICE DRONE) but Fred called from Connecticut and said---- (FN: I can make it) ---- even though New England was hit by a major blizzard (SFX) and Fred's estate got three feet of snow and he had to get out his snow blower (SFX) and clear a path to the landing strip so the helicopter could land (SFX) and it flew Fred away to a submarine off the coast because all the airports were shut down and the submarine which took him aboard (KLAXON, AIRLOCK, MUFFLED OFFICER VOICES) and the sub went down five thousand feet (SONAR) and they put Fred in the nose cone of a missile (VOICES, LOCKS, INTERCOM: Five, four, three, two, one. BLAST OF ROCKET, RISING FROM WATER) and he flew out to Minnesota and was ejected at 15,000 feet (SFX) and his chute opened (SFX) and he landed in a snowy field (SFX) and was driven here by a farmer in a pickup (SFX) with a couple dogs in the front seat (SFX)...
GK: ...and he got here only an hour ago and when you travel by rocket and parachute, people, you find that you need to use a toilet very badly. (FLUSH) So presumably Fred will get another fine, but anyway, he is here. Mr. Fred Newman.