GK: Brought to you by SPERM, the Society for the Preservation, Evacuation and Rescue of Men.
Many women are noticing a shortage of men ---- fewer of them on the bus and the health club, book clubs trying to enlist men, fewer men in church, and there are many reasons, such as this----
FN: I'll just go up on the roof and check.
SS: Honey, please.
FN: Run this extension ladder up---- (SFX).
SS: Call a repairman, please.
FN: (OFF) No problem. Have it fixed in a jiffy. (FALLING CRY & CRASH)
GK: It's an old story repeated over and over and over.
FN: I need a sawhorse to cut this board on. Kneel down there, I'll set it on your back.
TR: Okay.
FN: Okay. Hold steady. (CIRCULAR SAW CUTTING, THEN TR SCREAM)
GK: Men who have the genetic urge to solve problems but who lack the skills.
TR: Wonder why this pilot light went out. Hey, Jim, you got a cigarette?
FN: Yeah. Here. Need a light?
TR: Thanks. (LIGHTER CLICK, BIG BOOM)
GK: Men's skills have changed over the years as the job market has changed. Men who are highly skilled in high-tech jobs such as computer engineering, for example, are not necessarily smart about electricity.
SS: Honey, please don't. Not with a screwdriver.
FN: It's only a fusebox, for heaven's sake. (BIG SHORT)
GK: Men who are learned at the law do not necessarily know about machinery.
SS: Here's the clippers---
TR: Don't need the clippers.
SS: How are you going to trim the hedge then?
(LAWN MOWER STARTS)
TR: Gonna just pick up the lawn mower and do it the fast way. (SCREAM)
GK: The male drive to solve problems is powerful and men are susceptible to get into trouble.
SS: I wish you wouldn't try to paint the ceiling here in the stairwell, honey. Call a painter.
FN: No need for that. See---- I've got the scaffolding set up and the stepladder on the scaffolding and when I lean the ladder against the wall, the back legs of the ladder rest on that little ledge, and I'm just fine. Let me show you. (STEPS, SOME CREAKING)
SS: Be careful.
GK: Let's stop that scene right there. The man is about to fall and break his neck and all she can say is, "Be careful"? A woman has a couple options at this point. She can say----
SS: Honey, this is a loaded pistol in my hand and if you put one foot on that ladder, it'll be the last step you ever take.
GK: Or if you don't want that, you can try this----
SS: Honey, I need to tell you something. I'm having an affair with Bob the handyman. We're in love and these are the divorce papers in my hand and I got you a room in a Super Six motel out on the freeway.
TR: Hi. I'm Bob. Let me step in there and take care of this. Bye.
GK: The Society for the Preservation, Evacuation, and Rescue of Men.
HM (SINGS):
Sweetheart, there are men who know how to do this. I'm calling one right now.