THEME
HM SINGS:
He's smooth and he's cool, he's quick with a gun.
A master in the boudoir.
A guy in a trench coat who gets the job done,
That's Guy......Guy Noir.
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(PIANO)
GK: I had known her for years, listened to her late-night show on station WHK. All over town, lonely men defeated by life turned on their radios to hear her voice (HM SINGS BABS THEME UNDER....) and she made you think of your first girlfriend, the first girl you kissed in a serious way. Her name was Virginia Eveleth----- and none of her admirers knew that in fact she was 72 years old.
SS (OLD): Hey Guy, how's it going?
GK: Ah, Virginia...I don't know how you do it. You sing like you're 25 years old.
SS: Alfalfa tea is the secret, Guy. With Minnesota honey. A cup of alfalfa tea and (HM SINGS ACA SEAMLESS:
I'm wild again
Beguiled again
A simpering, whimpering child again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I)
SS: Not bad for an old lady, huh?
GK: A million men are in love with you.
SS: In love with my voice, yes. So long as they don't see my face.
GK: Seventy-two and she was still breaking hearts. A man came in my office on Tuesday.
TR (SOUTHERN): The name's Buddy Buford and I come up from Montgomery, Alabama, hoping to find someone I heard on the radio.
GK: Sir, it's January. You're not dressed properly.
TR (SOUTHERN): Wore my good linen suit and brought a bouquet of magnolias and a bottle of sloe gin. Help me. Where can I find her?
GK: You mean Virginia----
TR (SOUTHERN): Virginia Eveleth. The very name makes my heart beat so it scares me to death.
GK: Go back where you come from, sir. She will only break your heart.
TR (SOUTHERN): I just feel like she is singing to me and me alone when I hear her voice----
GK: Welcome to the club, sir.
TR (SOUTHERN): I cannot help myself. I am in love. (BRIDGE)
GK: You realizing you're luring young men into a hopeless romance with you, Virginia-----
SS: Well, they won't have to suffer long. I'm done in June.
GK: Retiring??
SS: No, I've been fired. My boss Raymond Como gave me the axe.
TR (BOSS): You're mesmerizing, Virginia. But you're not moving the product. Men hear you and they get all dreamy and weepy and go into a swoon but they're not shopping at our sponsors. Women are. So we're replacing you with my son. Dale Como.
FN (CROONS): Hands, touching hands, reaching out
Touching me, touching you.
GK: I am going to miss you a lot, Virginia. Whenever I felt down, I'd call in a request and----
SS: And I'd sing it for you, no matter what----
HM (SINGS):
Winter, spring, summer or fall.
Mr. Noir there in St. Paul
I will be there
Yes I will
You've got a friend.
SS: And whenever I needed a friend, I've come to you. Like right now.
GK: What can I do for you, Virginia?
SS: I'm moving to Florida and I need a boyfriend, Guy. Find me one.
GK: I thought you were with Dale Selby.
SS: Dale left me for Laurel MacKubin.
GK: Randolph Snelling's wife?
SS: He left her for Marion Kellogg.
GK: I remember you dating Bryant Colfax and Emerson Fremont and Irving James.
SS: Minneapolis guys. Not my type.
GK: And Albert Lea. Howard Lake. Fergus Falls.
SS: Bunch of farmers. Oh, Guy (HM SINGS:
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could, always be good
To one who'll watch over me.
SS: So how about you, Guy?
GK: Me??
SS: You're one of my best friends.
GK: I'm used goods, babes. Lot of mileage on this gloomy old mug.
SS: Well, I got mileage too. But (HM SINGS:
Though you may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart you carry the key.
SS: And that key also unlocks a nice retirement fund.
GK: You could do a lot better than me, Virginia.
SS: Well, if you find someone, bring him down to the studio. My engineer Bobby is an ordained minister. (HM SINGS ALICE BABS THEME) (INTO BRIDGE)
GK: I headed over to WHK in Minneapolis to talk to Raymond Como and I found him in the basement on the squash court playing his program director Marshall St. Clair. (SFX, SQUEAK OF SHOES, THWOP, WHACK, SQUEAKS, REPEAT AS VOLLEY CONTINUES) ----- (THEN DOOR OPENS, TR AND DR BREATHING HEAVILY)
GK: Hey, Raymond. Marshall.
DR: I'm not Marshall. I'm Blair Fairview. Marshall went over to KSJN.
GK: I thought Pierce Butler was the program director there.
DR: He left when Myrtle Vandalia became the G.M.
GK: Myrtle Vandalia?
TR: Randolph Vandalia's wife.
GK: Aha.
DR: You need to keep in touch, Noir.
TR: I assume you heard about Virginia Eveleth.
GK: I hear she's been let go.
TR: Our sales team Morgan Newton, Oliver Penn, and Russell Sheridan estimate that ad revenue will jump by 43% if we put my son Dale in that late-night slot. We'll draw 32% more women between 35 and 94 who have more disposable income----
GK: Women between the ages of 35 and 94???
TR: No, women who live between I-35 and I-94.
GK: Oh.
TR: We did focus groups. Dale has an emotional quality that connects with the mature lower-upper-class woman.
GK: Your son Dale Como.
TR: I never knew he had it in him, but it's there.
FN (SINGS):
There goes my only possession
There goes my everything. (BRIDGE)
GK: I ran into Buddy Buford out in the parking lot. He was waiting for Virginia to come to the studio and do her show. He looked so forlorn, I took him across the street and bought him a bowl of chili. He said he was single, 34, a banker there in Montgomery----
TR (SOUTHERN): Mainly though I just enjoy life. Here's a video of my coon dog, Earl. (SFX) I taught him to play the banjo. Lookit here (BANJO, DOG SINGING) I took him with me to this NASCAR race (SFX). And here's me lighting the barbecue (SFX) and cooking up some possum and crawdads. And here he is eating them (SFX).
GK: I'm going to take you in to meet Virginia Eveleth, Buddy. I think she'd like you.
TR (SOUTHERN): You're gonna introduce us? Oh my Lord---- I can hardly breathe, I am so excited. (BRIDGE)
GK: I took him across the street to WHK and in through the lobby (FOOTSTEPS) and past the receptionist Mickey (FN WOMAN: HI) and down the hall past the studio where Dale Como was recording (FN SINGS:
It's not unusual, to be mad with anyone
It's not unusual, to be sad with anyone. (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE)
TR (SOUTHERN): Who's that?
GK: Just a guy. Nobody you'd need to know. Now---one thing about Virginia, when I introduce you --- her eyes are extremely sensitive so the light in there will be very dim. And the reflection off your glasses would bother her so we'll need to take those off. And she is a very decisive woman. She doesn't mess around. Either she's going to wave you goodbye or she's going to marry you on the spot. You willing to take those chances?
TR (SOUTHERN): Oh my gosh. I carry her around on my telephone. She is my ring tone. (HM SINGS:
I want to be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you.
I want to be loved by you. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring.) She is the love of my life.
GK: Let's go in the studio, Buddy. Let me just tell you that there can be surprises in marriage and sometimes people who go into it find out things they never would've guessed before. You know that, right?
TR (SOUTHERN): As they say, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, that's my belief.
GK: Okay. It's right in here, Buddy. Give me your glasses.
Thank you. (DOOR OPENS)
SS: Oh, hi, Guy. Who's that?
TR (SOUTHERN): Who is this?
GK: I found someone for you, Virginia. An angel from Montgomery. A guy named Buddy.
SS: I like him. But will he love me tomorrow?
TR (SOUTHERN): Who is she? Is that her mother?
GK: This is Buddy, Virginia, and he came all the way up from Alabama because he's mad about you.
TR (SOUTHERN): Are you sure she's the one?
(HM SINGS:
Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Take me to a racetrack
Let me look at all the cars.
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, I love possum.
TR (SOUTHERN): Oh darling. I can't tell you how I have dreamed of this moment.....
GK: Your engineer is an ordained minister, isn't he, Virginia?
SS: Reverend Bobby-----get in here.
FN (HIGH): Right here.
SS: Those whom God hath joined together, let no man break asunder.
FN (HIGH): You want the $10 wedding or the $50? (STING)
GK: And so they were hitched. And I took Buddy downtown to a hotel to await his bride.
TR (SOUTHERN): When I held her hand, her skin was all crinkly.
GK: It gets like that in the winter. You need to take her down to Montgomery and warm her up, Buddy.
TR (SOUTHERN): I like the way she sings but when she said "I do" it sounded like her teeth were loose.
GK: She was nervous. She'll be fine. (BRIDGE) And on the way to the bridal suite I turned on WHK and there she was
HM (SINGS):
Lay down, Buddy, and rest you in my arms.
Don't you think you want someone to talk to?
Lay down, Buddy, no need to leave so soon.
I've been trying all night long just to talk to you.
(BRIDGE)
TR (SOUTHERN): Wow.
GK: That's your girl, Buddy. Remember that. There may be little bumps along the way but that is your girl and she loves you and what more can a man ask. Here's a bag of alfalfa tea. Good luck and God bless. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but one guy is still trying to find the answers, Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)