GK: Our sound-effects man Mr. Fred Newman came down with a terrible cold (NASAL STUFFINESS, MISERY) and he remembers exactly when it hit ---- he was in the men's room at LaGuardia (TOILET FLUSH) and he washed his hands carefully (SOAP SQUORT, RUBBING) and dried them under the blower (SFX) and he even put some hand sanitizer on (BIG SQUORT, RUBBING) and then he waited for the door to open so he wouldn't have to touch the knob and when it did open, in came his old college classmate (FN: Biff! FN IVY: Fred! FN: How's Muffy? FN IVY: Fabulous!) and he shook Biff's hand just as Biff (BIG MEATY COUGH) and that's where it happened. So he sent us a text (FN CLICKING: Cannot sing on show. Unfortunately have bad cold.) Fred got on the plane to San Francisco feeling worse and worse, his head throbbing ( PULSATING HEAD), his sinuses blocked (SFX), having to breathe through his mouth (MOUTH BREATHING) and ever so often the explosive sneeze (SFX). And his fellow passengers glared at him and ground their teeth (SFX) and it got worse and worse (SFX WHEEZE). He got off in San Francisco, his head full of mucous (SFX) and the starter at the taxi stand wouldn't get him a cab (TR: I'll get you a pickup truck.) And he rode into town in a pickup with two sheep (SFX) and he's allergic to sheep so when he got off at the hotel (BIG SNEEZES) they wouldn't let him in ---- (FN: Please! Please! SOBS)
GK: And in despair he ran across the street (TRAFFIC HONKING, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) and out the Embarcadero and jumped into San Francisco Bay (SPLASH, YELL) and the temperature was 53% which is the perfect cure for the common cold ---- heat does not do the trick, you need cold----- and a Red Cross dolphin (SFX) carried Fred into shore in Sausolito where Fred got into the famous Sausolito Sulfur Hot Springs (STEAM) and he sat there in 125-degree steam and sweated as large naked men came in and sat down on the marble ledge (SFX) and in a few minutes Fred was completely cured----- and he knew that because he could sing (FN REVERB: Roxanne
And the naked men ran out of the steam room (SFX) and someone called the cops (TR: COP TALK) but it's San Francisco and there's no law against singing in a steam room, so Fred made it here for the show.
FN: All ready to sing, just let me know. ROXANNE
GK: We'll let you know. All sound effects men, their dream is to sing. You ask them to do cats, they do singing cats (SFX), you ask them to do chickens (SINGING CHICKENS), you ask for cattle (SINGING CATTLE) ----- we'll let you know, Fred.
FN: Just say the word, I'm ready. Roxanne.
GK: Fred Newman