GK: People often ask me, "Why does Fred Newman stay with your show when there are so many better things he could be doing?" Don't I know it. Fred could be huge in Hollywood. Martin Scorsese called months ago. (TR RICO: I need Newman. Fly him out here. I want him. Or else.) And before that it was Steven Spielberg. (TR FAST TALKING NY: Tell Newman I need him. The name is Spielberg. S-p-i-e-l-b-e-r-g. Spielberg.) And the week before that---- (TR WOODY: This is Woody Allen. Where's Newman? I thought he was gonna be here.) They were each making Christmas movies ---- Scorsese was making a movie called Selfish Santa and he needed Fred to do the sound of Santa flying over the bad guy's house and dropping a bomb down the chimney. (JINGLING BELLS, WHOOSH, WHIP CRACK. "Come on, Donder. Come on, Blitzen." BOMB FALLING. "Merry Christmas, sucker." EXPLOSION) And Spielberg wanted him for a picture called White Isthmus which had pterodactyls going berserk on rum balls and destroying the North Pole and producing tidal waves in Florida (PTERODACTYL SCREECHES, WINGS, CRUNCH OF WOOD, WAVE, SCREAMS) and Woody Allen was making Noel Noir about a con man impersonating Santa in Paris and making off with a sack of jewels (FOOTSTEPS, FRENCH HO-HO-HO, TINKLE OF JEWELS. HO-HO-HO, PARISIAN SIREN). They all wanted Newman and he said no. (FN: Not now. Sorry. I'm busy.) ---- Disney offered him The Lion King (LION). Billing above the title. A percentage of the gross. A lifetime supply of Raisinettes. (FN: Sorry. Too busy.)
GK: But the real reason was that Fred was having trouble with some sounds that used to be a piece of cake, like this one (ELEPHANT) ----he was losing his lip and even though he did aerobic lip lifts (LIP EXERCISES) every day with his trainer Coco (ORANGUTAN) ---- it was getting worse, and the only thing that seemed to help was an old family dish from Fred's childhood in LaGrange, Georgia, called Rotten Possum. (STINK) Possum meat that is buried in the ground for a week and gets fermented and then they make it into sausage and when Fred puts it under his upper lip, it stiffens the lip and enables him to (ELEPHANT SFX). But his breath would knock a buzzard off a garbage can. (SFX BUZZARD FAINTING). On radio, bad breath is no problem. But in Hollywood, it's a deal-breaker. Fred tried everything (GARGLING), nothing worked. Rotten Possum doesn't go away. And so Fred is still with us. Hollywood still wants him. (TR BRIT: Fred, it's Guy ---- listen, I'm doing another Sherlock Holmes picture.......FN LADY: Fred, it's Angelina. I'm doing a picture in Africa. TR RICO: Fred, it's Marty. Listen. How about lunch?) ---- Hollywood calls but Fred can't answer because ---- well----- (FN EXHALE, RECOIL) ---- he has a social liability. So he spends a week at his beachside retreat in Malibu (SURF, GULLS), so close to Hollywood and so far away, and then on Saturday he flies to St. Paul to do our show. He gets the penthouse dressing room here at the Fitz, the dressing room with the steam room (SFX), the masseuse Maria (FN LADY: Tell me if I'm going too deep), the ping-pong table (SFX), the espresso machine (SFX), but we may not have Fred much longer. If he can just find a mouth wash that works with Rotten Possum, he'll be out of here and we'll have his sub, Newt Friedman...
GK: ...And there will be no more stories about dolphins or humpback whales or battle scenes or space aliens, basically we'll be doing stories about cats because that's all Newt can do. (MEOW) This will become a cat show. I personally am not looking forward to that.