GK: With Mama in the hospital with poinsettia poisoning ---- I decided to put on the biggest Christmas party ever ---- I hired a caterer (TR FRENCH) and a salad chef (ITALIAN) and a sushi chef (JAPANESE), and a pastry chef (GERMAN) and they got to work (TR FRENCH COMMAND, OFF) and there was a decorator----
FN: We're going for visual intensity here, with a hundred candles and these blue bulbs, blue lights inside the green glass bowls, and the dried weeds. It's a total look. What do you think?
GK: And a pianist (TR RUSSIAN, ROMANTIC CHOPIN PIANO) and a family of tumblers (POSE AND GROUP HEY) and there was a comedian ---
TR (COMEDIAN): So ---- why is Christmas just like a day at the office --- you do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Oh yeah. Hi yo.
GK: And to pay for it, I knocked off another bank, but I picked one where I'd been before and the security man's guard dog recognized me.
FN (DOG): Hey you.
GK: You talking to me?
TR (DOG): You with the terrible breath.
GK: I have terrible breath??? Who's talking?
TR (DOG): You're under arrest but don't cough on me. (STING)
(GAVEL WHACKS)
TR (JUDGE): Defendant is charged with carrying a loaded weapon and his petition for bail is henceforth and herewith denied ---- certiorari, a priori, sne die, and ipso facto (WHACK) Next case. (BRIDGE) (FOOTSTEPS DOWN HALLWAY, CELL DOOR UNLOCKED. CELL DOOR OPENED.
(FOOTSTEPS. CELL DOOR SLAMMED SHUT)
(PAUSE)
FN: Hey, Buddy.
GK: Rudy?
FN: Yeah. Fancy meeting you here. What happened?
GK: I walked into a bank with a pistol. A Wesson.
FN: A Smith&Wesson?
GK: No, a Wesson. It shoots hot oil.
FN: Oh right. They got me for felonious jaywalking. What they charge you with?
GK: Gun violation. But the minute they find out I'm the Lone Rider, I'll be spending the rest of my life behind bars.
FN: Well, I won't rat on you.
GK: Promise?
FN: Promise.
GK: Pinky swear?
FN: I'll think about it.
GK: You'll think about it!!!????
FN: Well, what's in it for me, Buddy? Pinky swear---- that's like a blood oath. What if they offer to let me off in exchange for squealing on you? I mean---- I'd like to get home for Christmas too.
GK: What do you want, Rudy?
FN: I want a model train, Buddy. The kind that give off
smoke and one with a cattle loader and real semaphores and a realistic steam whistle and they go clicketyclack down the railroad track. One of those. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I got him one and it was delivered to his cell by UPS (SS: Sign here. And here. (SCRIBBLE)) and we set it up on the concrete floor and it worked (STEAM CHUGGING) ---- it came around the bend and the whistle blew (SFX) and the semaphore went down (SFX) and it pulled up to the cattle loader and the cows came up the ramp (MOOING) and he was so happy with it, and the next day he ratted on me and I went up to Sing Sing. A different cell. (CELLDOOR CLOSE) Solitary. Except for her.
CD: I'm sorry you wound up here. You deserve it but I'm still sorry about it.
GK: How's my mother, Agnes?
CD: She's out of the hospital.
GK: Thank goodness.
CD: She's using that money you sent her to sail on that Prairie Home Companion cruise to the Caribbean, leaving Fort Lauderdale on March 14.
GK: Really? But Mama doesn't care for that show. She hates folk music. She doesn't give a rip about the Midwest. She loathes Lutherans.
CD: She got a cabin next to some poker players. She'll have a good time.
GK: Am I ever going to get out of Sing Sing, Agnes? Or am I going to rot here for the rest of my life?
CD: You really want to know?
GK: You know the answer, don't you. And you're not telling me because the answer is yes, I'm going to be here for fifty years until I'm an old demented crackpot and when there's nothing left of me, they'll throw me out on the street. Am I close, Agnes?
CD: You want to talk to a prophet, I'll get you a prophet.
GK: I feel really really bad right now. Really bad.
CD: I'll try. (SINGS)
O come all ye faithful
Try to look triumphant
Try not to look bedraggled, lost and confused.
God watches o'er us, great is his providence.
So come and be more cheerful
Come and sing some carols
Come and go to church tonight
You know it wouldn't kill you.
MANDO INTO BOYS TRIO AND PIANO CHORD