GK: Our sound effects man Mr. Fred Newman lives out in the country a few hours from New York where it's peaceful and (BIRDS) Fred can walk around his property with his dog Walter (SFX) and observe nature ---- the migrating geese (SFX), the great snowy owls (SFX), the white-breasted grommets (SFX), the jackals and hyenas (SFX), and where he can cut his own wood (CHAINSAW) and put food on the table the old-fashioned way (SHOTGUN). Fred comes to the city to do our show ---- he drives his Lamborghini (SFX) to New Haven and takes the Amtrak Acela (WHISTLE), riding in First Class of course (HUM OF TRAIN ACCEL, CLINK OF ICE IN THE GLASS) and braces himself with a Scotch on the rocks because New York is very stressful for Fred. In Penn Station (UNINTELLIGIBLE P.A.) he has to stop and take deep breaths and then up the stairs onto Eighth Avenue (TRAFFIC, HORNS, BRAKES) and into a taxi ----- FN: Town Hall, please. TAXI ACCEL, BASQUE DRIVER YELLING) ---- and he makes his way into Times Square. What makes New York so stressful for Fred is that he discovered that he has a mysterious power over physical objects when he plays his bagpipes (SFX) ---- nobody knows why ---- but it's a huge responsibility ---- Fred never intended to be a piper but one day a window-washing rig comes loose on a skyscraper (SFX) and is plummeting toward the street and (BAGPIPES) Fred comes to the rescue and the rig stops (SFX) and lives are saved...
GK: ...but the people standing near Fred don't know that, all they know is that they don't care for bagpipes. (FN NYER: Beat it.Get those pipes outta here. Gwan.) And his children are embarrassed. (FN GIRL: Dad---- please.) It's a terrible position to be in. A helicopter goes overhead (CHOPPER) and it's on a collision course with a flock of trumpeter swans (SFX) and Fred diverts the chopper (BAGPIPES) and it banks left (SFX) narrowly avoiding a collision (SWANS) and people on the street look at Fred with disgust (BOOING). And so Fred's blood pressure is rather high in the city (HEART POUNDING), on account of the responsibility he carries to prevent that bus from hitting that old lady (BAGPIPES, BRAKES. FN OLD LADY: Oh my. Thank you, Jesus.) It's a burden Fred carries, knowing that New York needs him ---- he can prevent fires (SIREN), water main explosions (SFX), an old man slipping on a banana peel (SFX), ---- and just the other day, attending a wedding at St. Patrick's (FN PRIEST REVERB: Dearly Beloved, we gather today.....), Fred picked up a coded message from NASA (MORSE CODE BEEPS) that a meteorite was headed for earth ----- and it was heading directly for Central Park (METEORITE) and the penguin house at the Central Park Zoo (PENGUINS) and a Navy submarine had fired three Minuteman missiles (SFX) and missed and it was up to Fred as that meteorite was entering Earth's atmosphere (SFX) and he didn't have time to leave the sanctuary (FN PRIEST REVERB: Do you take this man to be your wedded husband) so he just did what he had to do (BAGPIPES) and the meteorite shattered into ash and dust (SFX)...
GK: ...and the penguins were saved and hundreds of tourists too but at St. Patrick's Fred was treated like a criminal (FN NYER: Okay, out with you and don't ever come back) and they threw him out on the sidewalk (FN FLYING, LANDING, OOFFF) and nobody thanked him. Nobody gave him an award for public service. Nope. And that's why he looks forward to Saturday night and the ride back to the country aboard the Acela (WHISTLE) and some may resent Fred for travelling first class but I say that for a man who has saved New York City time and time again, nothing is too good. A glass of Dom Perignon (CORK, POUR), a dozen Chincoteague oysters (SFX), a steak flambee (WHOOSH OF FLAMES). Thank you, Fred Newman, for all that you do. (TRAIN WHISTLE)