(GUY NOIR THEME & SONG)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was the week before Thanksgiving and I was in New York, staying at the Hotel Seymour on West 45th Street, famous as the hotel where J.D. Salinger lived when he was writing Catcher in the Rye. Still fondly remembered by the desk clerk, Shorty.
TR (OLD): He was a very slow typist. Took him an hour to type one page double-spaced. Drove me nuts. About two in the morning, I don't hear nothing from Mr. Salinger's room so I let myself in and there he is, asleep on the floor. Out cold. I put a clean sheet of paper in the typewriter and wrote a couple pages and I guess he liked them cause he left them in.
GK: Really.
TR (OLD): Yeah. That part about thousands of kids playing in a big field of rye and him standing on the edge of the cliff, catching the kids before they go over it.
GK: You wrote that.
TR (OLD): Yeah. Wrote a lot of stuff back then. Writers'd get drunk and pass out and I'd go up to their rooms and work on their stuff. "Do not go gentle into that good night" --- I wrote that. Dylan Thomas didn't. He wrote, "Don't go, Jennifer. Don't say, Good night."
GK: Who was she?
TR (OLD): No idea. (STING)
GK: Catcher in the Rye was sort of my occupation at the time. Young people coming to New York to make it as singers or writers or actors or filmmakers and their parents hired me to make sure they were okay. Kids like Avalon Swanson ----
KB (SINGS):
To dream the impossible dream
And get jobs that do not exist
And though it won't happen, I know,
To become a best-selling essayist.
This is my quest
To spend all my days
Writing with a ballpoint pen
Fabulous essays.
To be famous and rich
And not for my fabulous looks
But for incisive thoughts
In the New York Review of Books.
GK: How do you talk sense into a kid like that? Or kids like Cat Mandu, who came to New York to be an atheist bluegrass singer. Why? A crazy idea, but she was all over it.
(FIDDLE LICK AND GUITAR....w RK/GK refrain)
KE (SINGS):
Oh there ain't no God (AIN'T NO GOD)
No God to save (NO GOD TO SAVE)
So an atheist (ATHEIST)
Has gotta be brave (GOTTA BE BRAVE)
Ain't no devil (AIN'T NO DEVIL)
Just rational truth (RATIONAL TRUTH)
And Sunday school is poisoning our youth.
Give me that old atheism
Give me that old atheism
It was good enough for Jefferson,
And it's good enough for me. (STING)
FN (SOUTHERN): We read the Bible in our home, Mr. Noir, but we made the mistake of reading the ugly parts and that's what made her atheistic. Too much Bible. (BRIDGE)
GK: Avalon's parents had a similar story.
SS: She loves disagreeing with people. Did when she was three years old and still does, writing these essays that nobody reads except me and I am her mother. (BRIDGE)
GK: New York, the great watering hole for the world's oddballs, people who don't fit in and leave home for fear that they might fit in. And the Hotel Seymour was full of them. There was a snake handler (SFX), a steel drummer (SFX), a bellydancer (SFX), some Peruvian panflute players (SFX) And a singer-songwriter (FN SINGS: WHEN I SEE SOMETHING, I SAY SOMETHING. AND WHAT I SEE IS YOU. AND WHAT I SAY IS TRUE. I LOVE YOU.) Bob Dylan had lived there once and wrote a famous song.
TR (DYLAN):
May you live on Ramen noodles and day-old pizza pie
May you have six credit cards and be in debt up to the sky
May you throw your clothing on the floor, nothing need be hung
May you stay......forever young. (BRIDGE)
GK: Cat Mandu lived on the 14th floor of the Seymour and Avalon Swanson was on the 12th. And I was on the 15th. And one day, heading up, the elevator got stuck between the 12th and the 14th, with me on it, and Avalon, and Cat's ex-boyfriend Chet who could hear from just above, the voice of Cat's current boyfriend Brad.
DR (CHET): Cat???? You up there??? It's me, honey.
FN (BRAD): Who's that??
DR (CHET): It's me, you dingleberry.
KE: Don't come up here, Chet.
DR (CHET): I'll come up and settle your hash, you fruitcake.
FN (BRAD): Heard all about you, Chet. And Cat is too much woman for you.
KE: He's got a gun, Chet. Stay on the elevator.
DR (CHET): We're gonna settle this once and for all, peckerwood.
KB: Let me out of here!!! (BWANGING) Help! Help!
GK: Easy, Avalon. Someone'll come. There's a phone.
DR (CHET): Movin' in on my woman---- I'll show ya!
KB: Do something, Mr. Noir! And hurry!
GK: Wow. Look at this certificate of inspection. Nineteen thirty-four. This elevator hasn't been inspected for eighty years.
KB: Oh my god.
(SILENCE, CREAKING OF CABLES. SLIPPAGE OF CHAIN. METALLIC GROANING)
GK: And the maximum occupancy is three. Anyway, we're safe there.
TR (GODFATHER): Don't forget me.
GK: A guy in a black pinstripe suit and dark glasses was crouched in the corner. I hadn't seen him.
DR: Who're you, mister.
TR (GODFATHER): I'm Guido. Going up to 15 to find the guy who whacked Joey and I'm gonna whack him right back.
GK: He doesn't live there any more. Mario---
TR (GODFATHER): Yeah. Him.
GK: He moved. To Dumbo.
TR (GODFATHER): Darn. You got anybody you want me to whack?
DR: Yeah. That no-good who took my girl. Brad.
TR (GODFATHER): Sorry. I only whack guys whose name end with a vowel.
DR: His name is Bradley.
TR (GODFATHER): Well, that's different. (GUNSHOTS) (BRIDGE)
GK: The gunfire fixed whatever made the elevator stall and that afternoon I went down to City Hall to get somebody to come look at it. (SUBWAY DOORS, BING BONG. FN: Stand clear of the closing doors, please.) and the subway was crowded and I sort of hesitate to push people so I was trying to get on ---- (FN: Hey mister--- I said stand clear of the closing doors, please.) Sorry, I thought you were a recorded message. (FN: I am a recorded message but you got to move it or the train can't move.) Sorry. (DOORS CLOSE. CROWD MURMUR) People were giving me that sidelong glance reserved for out-of-towners and I was going to explain and then the train stopped (BRAKES) and the conductor, not a recording, came on the PA and made an announcement (FN PA UNINTELLIGIBLE).
And the train stopped for awhile, so I was a little late (FAST FOOTSTEPS) when I got down to City Hall.
(DING DING, COUNTER BELL)
(SLOW FOOTSTEPS)
SS: YEAH?
GK: Is this the elevator inspection agency?
SS: Yeah.
GK: I want to report a dangerous elevator.
SS: Okay. Fill out this form and we'll get back to you within eight weeks.
GK: This? It's four pages.
SS: You don't read English? I got it in Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, Farsi, Arabic, Hindi, or Celanese.
GK: Do I have to fill out this whole form?
SS: Look, I just work here, okay? You want to report an elevator or not?
GK: Okay, but this is urgent.
SS: Right. Just fill out the form. (STING)
GK: So I did. It asked for my history of employment, education, recent innoculations, countries visited in the past 18 months, four character references, and finally I finished it and----
SS: Oh, this is for a hotel elevator.
GK: Right.
SS: That's next door. We do office elevators, escalators, roller coasters, residential, ferris wheels, cranes, derricks, hoists, and dumbwaiters. We don't do hotels.
GK: Okay. Can I take the application with me?
SS: They got a different form over there.
GK: Of course. Why not. (FOOTSTEPS, IN HALL, DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, DING DING)
(FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Yeah?
GK: I need to report an unlicensed elevator in a hotel that is a potential deathtrap, which hasn't been inspected since 1934.
TR: We don't do that here.
GK: Next door they said you're in charge of that.
TR: We're in charge of elevators built after 1954. You got an older elevator. We don't do those. You have to go to the Antique Elevator Inspection & Oversight Union.
GK: And where would that be?
TR (OFF): Hey, Barry---- where's the A.E.I.O.U.?
FN (OFF UNINTELLIGIBLE)
TR: It's up in the Bronx somewhere.
GK: Do you have the address?
TR (OFF): Hey, Barry ---- what's the address?
FN (OFF UNINTELLIGIBLE)
TR: He doesn't know either.
GK: Could you look it up?
TR: We don't do that here. You'd have to go to Customer Assistance. First floor. (STING)
SS (OLD, WITCHY): Yes, how may I help you?
GK: I need the address of the A.E.I.O.U.
SS (OLD WITCHY): The what?
GK: The A.E.I.O.U.
SS (OLD WITCHY): The American Enterprise Institute of Utica?
GK: No, they inspect Antique Elevators.
SS (OLD WITCHY): Okay, let me look that up. A-n-
T----I-----Q--------
U-------E---- what was the next word?
GK: Could I speak to your supervisor, please?
SS (WITCHY): My supervisor----
GK: Yeah, your supervisor.
SS (WITCHY): What you want to bother him for?
TR (GODFATHER): What's the problem, Sandy?
SS (WITCHY): This guy alleges that his elevator is malfunctioning----
TR (GODFATHER); Hotel Seymour, right?
GK: Right.
TR (GODFATHER): What you come down to City Hall for? I know people can take care of that for you. I got guys who can fix anything. Or if you need me to whack somebody, I can do that. (BRIDGE)
GK: So Guido and I got on the B train to head uptown.
(DOOR OPEN. CROWD MURMURS. FN: STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS, PLEASE.
GK: Come on, Guido, let's not miss the train.
TR (GODFATHER): I'm coming, I'm coming.
FN: STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS PLEASE. ---- SIR?
GK: I'm holding the door for a friend.
FN: I REPEAT.....STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS.
GK: You forgot to say Please.
FN: STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS, DODO, OR I WILL THROW YOU OFF THE TRAIN.
GK: I'd like to see you try it.
TR (GODFATHER): I'm here. It's okay. (BING BONG, DOORS CLOSE) (BRIDGE)
GK: We got back to the Hotel Seymour and there was a gang of construction guys waiting in the lobby.
TR (BELLOW): HEY. YOU.
FN (BELLOW): WHO? ME?
TR (BELLOW): NO. CHARLEY.
FN: OH, THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO ME.
TR: NO. TALKING TO HIM. HEY, CHARLEY! TAP HIM ON THE SHOULDER, WOULDJA?
FN: WHICH ONE? HIM?
TR: NAW, THE OTHER GUY. CHARLEY.
FN: HEY.
DR: WHAT?
FN: FRANKIE WANTS YA.
DR: WHAT FOR?
FN: I DONNO. ASK HIM.
DR: YEAH? WHAT YOU WANT?
TR: YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO TELL ME
SOMETHING.
DR: DID NOT.
TR: DID TOO.
DR: YOU'RE THINKING OF SOMEBODY ELSE.
TR: IT WAS YOU, CHARLEY. TELL ME WHAT YOU WAS GOING TO TELL ME.
DR: GET OUT OF MY FACE, OKAY?
TR: THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED TO TELL ME?
DR: THAT'S IT.
TR (GODFATHER): Okay, boys. Let's get to work on this elevator. (MALE MURMURS, HAMMERING, DRILLING, SAWING, JACKHAMMER. HAMMERING.) (BRIDGE)
GK: Cat Mandu came in, and Avalon Swanson----- I'm not sure you two met----- Cat, this is Avalon, she's an essayist, Avalon, this is Cat, she's an atheist.
KB: It's a pleasure.
KE: So what is it that essayists do, exactly?
KB: We make trouble. People go along in their comfortable lives and we throw sharp tacks on the road and drop anvils out of the trees and give people a good sock in the jaw.
KE: Sounds like what I do, too.
KB: You're an atheist?
KE: There are a thousand songwriters cranking out inspirational songs ---- I found my niche in skepticism.
KE (SINGS): Don't care for Matthew,
Mark or John.
Not worth the paper
They're written on.
As for St. Paul,
That misogynist
His underwear
Was in a twist.
Give me that old atheism,
Give me that old atheism,
Don't need your religion,
It ain't no good for me.
KB: I know where you're coming from. Every barista in Brooklyn has got a novel in progress, every waiter has a screenplay. Me? I'm taking the road less travelled.
KB (SINGS, BIG):
This is my quest
To write my reviews
And critical essays
On things in the news.
For The New Republic,
New Yorker, the Nation,
To be intellectual
And yet a major sensation----
KE: We need to talk, girlfriend.
KB: Got time for coffee?
KE: Absolutely. (BRIDGE)
GK: So off they went and I stood there with Guido waiting for the elevator. (PHONE RING) Excuse me. (PICK UP) Yes? ----VOICE OTHER END----- No, we're almost done.----- VOICE AT OTHER END-----No, I know, it got a little long. I'm sorry. ---- VOICE AT OTHER END) ----I know the show's running long but I figured out an ending. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Okay, I gotta go now. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yeah, tell the band to come back. (HANG UP) Producers.
TR GODFATHER: You want me to whack your producer?
GK: No, sir.
TR GODFATHER: You need anybody to get whacked, let me know.
GK: Hey, I hear the elevator coming. Good. They finally fixed it.
(DING. DOORS OPEN)
FN: STAND BACK FROM THE CLOSING DOORS, PLEASE.
GK: What are you doing here?
FN: I SAID, STAND BACK.
GK: Guido?
TR (GODFATHER): You want me to whack him? The Stand Back From The Closing Doors Guy?
GK: Yeah. I'm tired of him.
TR (GODFATHER): Okay, Mister.
FN: STAND BACK. BOTH OF YOU.
TR (GODFATHER): Not gonna stand back.
FN: I TOLD YOU TO STAND BACK AND I MEANT IT. (GUNSHOTS)
TR (GODFATHER): You got me. ----(DYING) You got me. You ruined my best vest, you dirty---- (GUNSHOTS)
FN (WOUNDED): OHHHH.....MY DOORS ARE CLOSING......FOREVER.
GK: Rest in peace, pal.
FN: I'M ONLY A RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT ----BUT I HAD A DREAM. I WROTE A POEM. CALLED "THE DOORS". LET ME READ IT.
GK: Sorry. No. (DOORS CLOSE)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.