TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. It snowed this week and my new snow blower sounds like a 747 taking off and I feel like a rocknroll star.. We fixed the leak in the upstairs toilet and with the money we're saving on the water bill we got hormone replacement therapy for Barb and now she doesn't weep at Kodak commercials. Barb's uncle died who was a Quaker and the memorial service went on and on, eulogy after eulogy, until it was mercifully cut short by a bomb threat. The kids came home from rehab for a weekend which they mostly spent sleeping so we got along fine. We should have been happy. And then one morning I heard clattering in the kitchen, and found Barb, waist-deep in cookware. ----Barb, what are you doing? (KITCHENWARE SFX)
SS: I'm looking for the ramekins, Jim --
TR: Ramekins?
SS: The little round baking dishes.
TR: Well, why didn't you say so?
SS: I'm making individual gratins of root vegetables for Thanksgiving. And I'm using this stoneware cloche to roast the turkey in. An heirloom turkey, just like last year.
TR: Oh dear. It's not going to be that kind of Thanksgiving, is it?
SS: My sister and her boyfriend are coming. I want it to be nice.
TR: The boyfriend who makes documentaries for mobile phones?
SS: Right.
TR: Where does your sister find these losers?
SS: Don't start in, Jim. It's Becky's life---- Did you notice I made mirepoix already?
TR: Is that the mush in the fridge----?
SS: Mirepoix. It makes the stuffing taste better.
TR: I hate sitting at the dinner table and having to say, "Pass me a ramekin of the mirepoix"----- why can't we just eat what the Pilgrims ate.
SS: The pilgrims were idiots, Jim. A bunch of religious fanatics who didn't know how to farm or how to hunt.
TR: What is that ---- that bag you're holding up?
SS: It's a brining bag.
TR: You're going to be brining the turkey again this year----
SS: Yes, Jim.
TR: You're going to be up all night before chopping and mincing and marinating and brining-----and then the guests come and you're like a zombie and I have to sit and make conversation about mobile phone documentaries.
SS: (WEEPY) I just want it to be nice.
TR: Barb, I love plain old turkey loaf and instant potatoes that you can buy at any gas station. I love cranberry sauce that stands up straight and you can see the rings from the can. A frozen apple pie.
SS: You didn't appreciate all my hard work year after year---- the rhubarb flambe?
TR: Barb, I think you're not getting enough ketchup. Ketchup is full of natural mellowing agents that help you remember the true meaning of Thanksgiving ---- it's not about putting on a big show ---- it's about being thankful for a crummy dinner and the unhappy people you share it with ----
SS: Oh dear----
RD (SINGS):
This was a good year, a year of generous blessing
Onward and upward, steadily progressing
Life is flowing like mirepoix on your dressing.
GK: Ketchup.....for the good times.
RD (SINGS): Ketchup, ketchup, ketchup.