One morning, the devil came to church,
In a burst of smoke and flame,
He ran up and down the aisle.
He said, "Beelzebub is my name.
I am evil incarnate,
The object of all your fears!"
The old man said, "You don't scare me at all,
Been married to your sister for 48 years."
A man walked by the insane asylum
And heard them chanting, 21! 21!
So he looked through a hole in the fence
It sounded like a lot of fun.
He peered through the hole in the fence
To see what crazy people do.
They poked him in the eye with a stick
And chanted, 22! 22!
My daughter brought home a boyfriend
With great big ugly tattoos
And long black greasy hair
And Lord how he hit the booze.
I said, 'Darling, I'm sure he's nice,
But something makes me nervous."
She said, "He's extremely nice.
He's doing 500 hours of community service."
The blonde walked in to the fabric store
Said, I want some curtains please.
It's for my computer screen.
And the clerk said, Excuse me,
Curtains for your computer.
Why would you want those?
And the blonde said, Hello,
I have Windows.
A man and his wife died in a crash
And went to heaven that day
To a mansion beside a golf course
And an eternity to play.
And the man said to his wife,
"I really hate you, you know."
If you hadn't made me quit smoking
I oculd've been here years ago.
The pallbearers carried Mr. Miller
From the hearse on the church drive
And bumped into a fire hydrant
And he jumped out, still alive.
Two years later he died for sure
And the pallbearers carried Mr. Miller
Back into church with his wife behind
And she said, "Look out for that pillar."
The drunk saw a woman at the bar,
Kissed her and she slapped his face.
He said, "I'm sorry, ma'am,
But you look just like my wife Grace."
She said, "You're a worthless drunk.
Never saw one worse than you.
You're disgusting, you know that?"
The man said, "You sound like her too."
The woman went into labor
And she started to yell and pant,
"Couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, hasn't,
Shouldn't, won't, and can't."
The man called up the doctor.
"Isn't it time to take action?"
The woman cried, "Don't and Isn't."
The doctor said, "It's just contractions."
The engineer was sentenced to death
And he went to the guillotine
But they couldn't get the blade to drop,
Something wrong with the machine.
They decided to send him to jail
With the thieves and cheats and liars
But he said, "Hey I see your problem.
Hand me a pair of pliers."
Jim and John had to share a room
One night in a hotel.
Jim said, "I snore so bad.
I doubt you'll sleep that well."
John kissed him on the cheek.
He said, "Sweetheart, it's all right."
And Jim went and sat in a chair
And stayed awake all night.
"Darling, you've always been with me.
On life's long bumpy ride.
Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy,
You've been here by my side.
My heart attack and the house burning down
That night the lightning struck.
And liver cancer ---- and now suddenly
I'm starting to think that you're bad luck."
Two nuns ran out of gasoline
They simply had forgot
So they walked to a gas station
All he had was a chamber pot.
He filled it up, they took it back
And poured it into the car
And a farmer saw and thought, My god,
What women of faith they are.