(WESTERN THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Sanitary Face Masks ...they filter out dust and smoke but they're transparent, so bank tellers don't get the wrong idea.
(HORSE HOOVES WALKING)
GK: Nice little town, Dusty. What's the name of it?
TR: Harmony, the sign said. However it had a lot of bullet holes in it.
GK: Well, your 2nd Amendment rights don't mean anything if you don't use your guns. Hey. Look at that sign.
TR: "Don't let big government tell you when to Walk or Don't Walk. Vote No on the Stop Light Bond Issue." Guess we must be in a Republican town all right.
GK: I notice there is no center stripe on the street.
TR: Well, let's tie up the horses and head into this saloon. (WHOAS AND WHINNIES, THEN FOOTSTEPS) Huh. The Minuteman Bar. What might that refer to?
GK: Only one way to find out. (DOOR OPEN, CAMPTOWN RACES, FOOTSTEPS) Nice looking place. ( DOOR CLOSE. PIANO STOPS) Something the matter?
DR: Where'd you fellows come from? You didn't come over from Amityville, did you? Or from Concord?
TR: Nope, we've been riding for days through pure wilderness.
DR: You didn't come in through Pleasant Valley?
GK: No. Why?
DR: Why? Because if you had come through any of those towns, I'd have to run you out of town and shoot you if you come back?
TR: What's going on?
DR: You by any chance running a fever? You look sorta flushed.
TR: We been riding all day in the sun.
DR: You feeling achy?
GK: We've felt achy for twenty-seven years!
DR: How about headaches? Diarrhea?
TR: I'm getting a headache right now.
GK: We haven't had a good bowel movement for about the past six months, mister. Riding horseback will do that to you. It pounds your poop into little pebbles. You want to see some, show me where your toilet is.
DR: Okay, okay. Come in but don't spit and don't cough. Okay? (CONVERSATIONAL BACKGROUND)
GK: How about you, Mr. Piano Man?
RD: What about me?
GK: Won't that piano play?
RD: What you want to hear?
GK: How about "Canadian Sunset"? (SUDDEN CROWD SILENCE)
DR: You ain't from Canada, are you?
FN (OLD MAN): Oh no. He's Canadian.
SS (OLD): Canada.
DR: You ain't been around a goose lately, have you?
GK: With these little pebbles, I could use a goose.
TR (DUSTY): Okay, people. (GUNSHOT) Somebody start giving me the straight skinny. What's going on around here?
FN (OLD MAN): It's the flu.
SS (OLD): A flu you can catch from fish or fowl. Like the goose.
DR: An inflammatory respiratory flu that primarily affects people in flat places. You been around flocks of Florida flamingoes or anything with flapping wings or flippers?
TR: Nope. Just buzzards.
DR: Are you feeling flushed or flatulent, flaccid, flabby, have flaky skin?
GK: All of the above.
DR: Don't be flippant. Have you touched flotsam or gotten bodily fluids from playing a flute or fluegelhorn belonging to someone who used fluoride?
GK: Well, fluoride--- yes ---- I use fluoride. It's on my floss.
DR: Well, there you are. This is how the flu is spread. By fluoride. And also by fowl.
FN (OLD): I hear em coming. They're coming back!!!
(COMMOTION)
DR: Open the window. (LONG CREAK, DISTANT GEESE)
SS (OLD): They're coming in from Canada. (SHOTGUN SHOTS) (WINDOW CLOSE)
DR: That'll keep em from landing, anyway.
TR: Does anybody serve drinks in this saloon? I could use some whiskey.
SS: What can I get you?
TR: I'd like a glass of rotgut whiskey. No ice, no vermouth, no lemon or lime, just the rotgut.
SS: You want single rot or a blend?
TR: Blended with what?
SS: Paint thinner, wart remover, or weed killer.
TR: Single rot.
SS: How about you?
GK: Cranberry juice for me. Ice. Slice of lemon.
(POURING)
GK: So people in Concord and Amityville and Pleasant Valley are infected with the flu?
DR: We don't know for sure but we have quarantined them and they have quarantined us so we have to assume the worst. (FLY) (ROOM GOES SILENT)
DR: Oh my gosh. How'd that get in???
SS (OLD): Those two cowboys. Weren't no flies on us until they come in.
GK: So flies carry the flu?
DR: We believe so.
GK: Have you had any casualties from the flu so far?
DR: Just him.
SS (OLD): Just old Frank over there.
(FN NATTERING AND RISIBLE OUTBURSTS)
SS: He used to be an evangelist but then a fly bit him and now he's a militant Unitarian jihadist. A Uniterrorist.
GK: Didn't know there was such a thing.
SS: I guess you'd call it an UnGodist. He goes around threatening to shoot people who might be praying. So whatever you do, don't kneel or he's liable to shoot you. Oh oh. Too late. He's looking at you. (FOOTSTEPS)
FN: All right, you. That's a Baptist cologne you're wearing. I know it. Kneel down and say your prayers. Cuz I am going to send you on up to heaven. Go ahead. Let's see you pray. (GUNSHOTS, CROWD REACT)
GK: I don't pray. I am a registered atheist.
FN: You are not.
GK: Am so.
FN: I see chain marks around your neck where you once hung a crucifix.
GK: Well, if I wore a crucifix, then probably I'm not a Baptist, am I.
FN: So what are you? Lutheran?
GK: You calling me Lutheran? (HE SLAPS FN)
FN: Guess you're not Lutheran. Maybe charismatic. Well, no. You don't look charismatic. Episcopalian.
GK: I'm am neither piss or palian.
FN: Our Father Who Art In----
GK: The Cemetery.
FN: ---Heaven, Hallowed Be Thy----
GK: Halloween Be October 31st.
FN: Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be----
GK: Probated In District Court.
FN: On earth as it is in-----
GK: Oklahoma.
TR: Mister, we've been riding through godforsaken wilderness for weeks and weeks, and I say, let's have us a round of rotgut, and let that be an end to it.
FN: Who are you?
TR: The name is Dusty.
FN: That your Christian name?
TR: Not in the least. Here. Hand me the bottle, ma'am. (FLY)
SS (OLD): Look out. Here he comes again.
TR (DUSTY): Don't worry. I'll get him.
SS (OLD): It's a terrible thing, the fly flu. And it's all because of Democrats. It comes from Canada, it's the result of single-payer health insurance, and it turns people into Uniterrorists. (SMASH BOTTLE)
TR (DUSTY): There. I drowned him in rotgut.
DR: Come on, Frank. Let's go have us a round. Piano Man, give us a tune. (PIANO) (CROWD MURMURS MOVE AWAY)
SS: You're a singing cowboy, aren't you. I can tell. I got a guitar up in my room. You want to sing a little duet with me.
GK: I think I could do that.
SS: But somehow you're not as wirey as a cowboy ought to be. Let me feel your arm.
GK: I am wirey. Feel right there.
SS: Oh. Yeah. Your shoulder is pretty wirey. How about your leg? Lemme see.
GK: This is kind of sudden, isn't it.
SS: I have been in quarantine for a couple weeks now. I'm ready for a little love. (FOOTSTEPS ON CREAKY STAIRS)
GK: Well, you are a rather attractive woman.
SS: I'm sure that in candlelight you are quite presentable yourself.
GK: You don't have a boyfriend?
SS: He's over in Amityville. Not expecting to see him for awhile.
GK: Well, here we are. Your room.
SS: Let me pull the shades. (SFX) I suppose you think we're pretty stupid, making all this fuss about the flu.
GK: Well---- It's like Will Rogers said. Nobody's smart, we're all ignorant, just about different things.
SS: Here's a guitar. Play me something. (GUITAR TANGO, APPASSIONATO) My, you certainly know your way around an instrument.
GK: You just wait til I take my shirt off.
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS........brought to you by Lube in a Tube (SQUORT)......good for man or beast or machinery.