(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme Building one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was October, and my radiators were giving off no heat, and when I called LeRoy my plumber, he wasn't plumbing anymore ----
DR: I gave up plumbing. I'm a consultant now.
GK: Come on, I need you.
DR: I got tired of going around in crawl spaces. My back hurts. I'm a consultant.
GK: Consultant in what?
DR: Interactive social strategies.
GK: What does that mean?
DR: Just what it says.
GK: What? You help people get along with other people?
DR: That and other things.
GK: What other things?
DR: I analyze options. Maximize transparency.
GK: Never mind.
DR: I'll recommend someone else. (STING)
GK: So I called the plumber he recommended.
TR (EGYPTIAN): This is Ahmed Mahtoosh. Gracious felicitations to you and those of your tribe. What can I do to assist you?
GK: Do you work on radiators?
TR (EGYPTIAN): What kind radiator you got?
GK: It distributes steam heat which comes through pipes and into a radiator.
TR (EGYPTIAN): Does it say (EGYPTIAN)?
GK: I don't think so. How do I know?
TR (EGYPTIAN): Does it have a (EGYPTIAN WORD) or a (EGYPTIAN)?
Gk: Sorry, I'll try someone else. (BRIDGE) So I was seriously considering moving to Tucson and taking a job doing security in a supermarket.
FN (ON PHONE): Yeah, we're having a problem with elderly shoplifters in motorized wheelchairs ---- come swooping in and grab a dozen avocados and stick em in their pants and pretend they're catheter bags. People in their 80s. We need somebody who isn't afraid to chase Grandma across the parking lot, pull up her skirt and pat her down and haul her off to the pokey.
GK: And then I found another message on voice mail.
SS: You don't know me but I know you. About twenty years ago I used to wait on you at Gannon's Restaurant and I've never been able to forget you. Your voice, your face, your hands. You're in my dreams at night. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like you're my soulmate and that we were meant to be together ---- I'm 38, single, and my cellphone is 61-(CLICK).
GK: So I couldn't leave town, not while there was a chance she might call back. So I bought myself a space heater and settled down by the telephone and waited. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Come on in, the door's unlocked.
(DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hi Guy. How's it going?
GK: Oh hi, Jimmy. Haven't seen you in a long time.
TR (JIMMY): Still bartending at the Five Spot. Yeah. How come you haven't been coming in?
GK: You got a piano player, that's why. I don't like music in bars. I like to think.
TR (JIMMY): Come in and I'll ask her to play quietly.
GK: The stuff she plays, quiet is just as bad.
TR (JIMMY): So which bar you going to now?
GK: Going to (PHONE RING) Excuse me. (PICK UP) Guy Noir speaking.
SS: Mr. Noir --- you don't know me but----
GK: I do know you. I got your message. I couldn't call back because----
SS: I didn't leave you a message, Mr. Noir----
GK: Look. It made my day. You said that you dream about me, that we're soul-mates, that you want to be with me.
SS: You've got to be crazy.
GK: It's you. You're 38, single----
SS: You really need help, mister. Good luck. (HANG UP)
(PAUSE)
TR (JIMMY): Who was that? Someone you know?
GK: Never mind, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): You sure someone is dreaming about you?
GK: Never mind.
TR (JIMMY): Just trying to be a friend.
GK: Leave it alone. Okay.
TR (JIMMY): Okay. Anytime you need to talk, come over.
GK: I'm not talking. Bye. (BRIDGE) I was thinking of other sources of heat, perhaps a wastebasket fire, when (KNOCKS ON DOOR)--- Yeah? Who is it?
FN (OTHER SIDE OF DOOR): The name's Marvin. I'm looking for Guy Noir.
GK: You're not disguising your voice, are you?
FN (OTHER SIDE OF DOOR): No.
GK: Let me hear what you sound like as a woman.
FN (OTHER SIDE OF DOOR, AS WOMAN): The name's Marvin. I'm looking for Guy Noir.
GK: Let me hear you say, "You're my soulmate and I think that we were meant to be together "
FN (OTHER SIDE OF DOOR): Do I have to?
GK: Just say it. "You're my soulmate and I think that we were meant to be together "
FN (OTHER SIDE OF DOOR): I'm just here to look at your radiator.
GK: Okay. Come on in. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS) Sorry. I was just working on a theory I guess was out in left field.
FN: So these your radiators here?
GK: The large iron radiator-shaped things attached to the pipes, yeah.
FN: Uh huh. (TAPPING, TESTING) Uh huh. Okay. (TAPPING, DINGING) Oh oh.
GK: What's the Oh Oh?
FN: I don't like that sound. (TAPPING, DEEP BONGING) Oh oh. That's even worse. Let me try over here. (TAPPING, PLUMBING GROWLING) I'm afraid I can't help you.
GK: No?
FN: No, these are Egyptian radiators. I don't have parts for these. Only one in town who can fix this is a guy by the name of Ahmed Mahtoosh.
GK: Ahmed Mahtoosh?
FN: Ahmed Mahtoosh. You want his number?
GK: I've got it. I think I've got it.
FN: It's funny ---- that line "You're my soulmate and I think that we were meant to be together " --- that reminds me of a friend of my sister's. Sonia. She was a waitress---
GK: At Gannon's restaurant?
FN: I think so.
GK: Oh my gosh. You got her number?
FN: No. But now she's working at Gallivan's.
GK: As a waitress?
FN: Yeah.
GK: Huh. About 38 years old?
FN: I donno. It's dark in there. Anyway, give Ahmed a call.
GK: Okay. Thanks. (BRIDGE) So I hustled straight over to Gallivan's. The bartender I knew from long ago, he was Lieutenant McCafferty's brother Tim.
TR (IRISH): Hey, Mr. Noir. Ain't seen you in years. How goes the struggle?
GK: Ah, we're losing, Tim, but we're losing slowly. And that's the same as winning, right?
TR (IRISH): Ah, you are Irish at heart, aren't you. What can I do you for?
GK: I'm looking for a young waitress named Sonia.
TR (IRISH): Sonia O'Neill or Sonia O'Brien?
GK: I don't know.
TR (IRISH): Hey, Sonia!!!!
SS (OFF): Yeah. What is it?
TR (IRISH): Somebody wants to see you. (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW)
SS: Yeah. What can I do for you?
GK: You're Sonia?
SS: Right. Do I know you?
GK: That's what I'm trying to figure out. Someone called me this morning and said she knew me from working at Gannon's.
SS: I worked at Gannon's.
GK: Would you mind letting me hear you say, "You're my soulmate and I can't get you out of my mind. Your voice, your hands, your face. You're in my dreams at night. "
(PAUSE)
SS: Is this a joke?
GK: Not yet.
SS: What am I supposed to say?
GK: "You're my soulmate and I can't get you out of my mind. Your voice, your hands, your face. You're in my dreams at night. "
SS: Would you mind writing that down on a piece of paper?
GK: Okay. (WRITING)
TR (IRISH): The other Sonia comes on tomorrow at noon if you want to talk to her.
SS: Okay. Here goes. (SHE READS) "You're my soulmate and I can't get you out of my mind. (SHE STARTS TO LAUGH) Your voice, your hands, your face. (SHE LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY BUT MANAGES TO SAY.....) You're in my dreams at night. (SHE SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER.)" I'm sorry. (SHE WALKS AWAY, LAUGHING. DOOR CLOSES.)
TR (IRISH): She sure is a lot of fun, that one.
GK: I'll say. Well, I'll come back tomorrow at noon. (BRIDGE) I called Ahmed Mahtoosh and I got his voice mail.
TR (EGYTPTIAN): "You have reached Mahtoosh Associates. Please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you promptly. BEEP.
GK: Yeah, it's Guy Noir, we spoke yesterday, if you could call me, I'd be very grateful. (STING) And moments later I got a call from Gallivan's.
SS (OLD): Yeah. This is Sonia O'Neill. Tim said you was looking for me.
GK: Uh huh. Uh.....you're not 38, are you?
SS: Honey, I'm so old my birthday's expired.
GK: Yeah. Well, it's only a number.
SS: I'm so old that when I fart, all that comes out is a big cloud of dust.
GK: Was there another Sonia who worked at Gannon's?
SS: Yeah. Sonia Gannon. She was an O'Brien and then she married a Gannon. She wound up owning the place and earned a bundle and she moved to Tucson about six months ago.
GK: Married?
SS: Not any more.
GK: You wouldn't happen to have a phone number for her, would you?
SS: I wouldn't, darling. Sorry. (BRIDGE)
GK: So there I was, thinking about Tucson, and the next day (PHONE RING, IMMEDIATE PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here.
SS (FIRST VOICE): Hello? Who is this?
GK: It's you, isn't it.
SS: I'm sorry. I think I have a wrong number.
GK: There's nothing wrong with saying what's in your heart.
SS: I was calling Charlie. Who is this?
GK: Well, who is Charlie?
SS: A guy I know from a long time ago. I'm trying to meet him again.
GK: Well, I'm a private eye, I could help, and meanwhile you could get to know me.
SS: Sorry. I got a wrong number. Have a nice day. (HANG UP)
GK: I suppose I should've been crushed, but it was a nice fantasy while it lasted, and I could still imagine that maybe she'd call back. (PHONE RING, PICKUP) Yeah. Hello.
TR (EGYPT): This is Dr. Mahtoosh, returning your call.
GK: Doctor Mahtoosh? I thought you were a plumber.
TR (EGYPT): I'm a urologist.
GK: I need a plumber. For my radiators.
TR (EGYPT): From the sound of your voice I would say that you have a prostate problem.
GK: Radiators. Who can I call?
TR (EGYPT): Listen, how about I come over and do both. I'll give you a deal. Radiators and then a cystoscopy.
GK: I don't think so.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.