Our sound effects man Mr. Fred Newman has secret ambitions to become a pop music star and we had no idea until we heard him interviewed the other day by Ira Glass.
TR (IRA): Talking to Fred Newman, sound effects, master of alternative reality, dolphins, humpback whales, Basque sheepherders, kittycats, you name it----Fred, what is the secret of your ability to channel the feelings of other species ----
FN: I don't want to talk about it, Ira. I'm a grown man. It's humiliating to be stuck in a job where you're doing the woof-woof, oink-oink, moo-moo, day in and day out. I'm done with it. I want to sing! I want to let my heart soar! (BRIDGE)
GK: We had no idea and it caused some panic backstage at the show because our backup sound effects guy Larry Asbjornsson is not ready to take over. He's inept and he's slow on the uptake. A bad combination. Do an elephant, Larry.
FN (LARRY): Okay. An elephant. What type of elephant?
GK: An elephant. A wild elephant.
FN (LARRY): Male or female?
GK: Just do an elephant.
FN (LARRY): Okay. Give me a sec. (PAUSE, THEN WINDY ELEPHANT) Sorry. I'll work on it.
GK: So we've been taking precautions. Fred likes to get a late Saturday night gig at the Boom Boom Room of the Hotel Winnebigoshish in St. Paul and we make sure the tables close to the stage are full of loud talkers. (SFX, TR,
SS, DR) and the lighting is poor so there's no applause when Fred comes out onstage. And the sound system isn't working well. (FEEDBACK)
FN: Sorry. Nice to be here. (PIANO) (HE SINGS)
I'm gonna love you like nobody's loved you
Come rain or come snow
In Minnesota or North Dakota wherever you go
Because when I met you it was about fifteen below
And you asked could I get you started
And jump you how could I say no.
GK: A waiter crosses in front of the stage----- (RATTLING OF GLASSWARE, "LOOK OUT!" CRASH AND BREAKAGE)
FN (SINGS)
I'm gonna love you like nobody's loved you
Come snow or come sleet
Out on the prairie in January
We'll make our own heat
Days may be cloudy or hazy
And we are undoubtedly crazy
But we will be lazy together,
Here on Easy Street.
GK: And right then is when the fire alarm goes off (SFX) ---And the next morning, we plant a snippy review in the paper----
FN (READING): One had hoped for something more self-revelatory from Mr. Newman but he played it safe, sang one song after another. And at the end one felt cheated. Where were the insights? The baring of the breast? Why did he shed no tears? (FN WEEPING)
GK: And that's how we've held onto Fred Newman one more week. It's mean, I know, but we need him here.
FN: Why? Why? Why do they hate me?? Why does it always go wrong?
GK: Go to your dressing room, Fred. Blow your nose (SFX). We'll call you in a minute.