GK: In September your daughter went off for her freshman year of college at Bryn Mawr and now, a month later, you find out she has an Amish roommate.
SS: She is fermenting sauerkraut in a big pot under her bed. And the butter churn is keeping me awake at night. And she insists on candlelight. No electricity.
FN: Oh Melissa, I'll call up the Dean ---- we have to do something.
TR (WOMAN): I'm sorry but we don't allow students to reject a roommate on religious grounds, Mr. Colburn. Give it time. Let Melissa and Harmony work it out between them.
GK: A month later.....
SS: I'm fine, Dad. I dropped out of Bryn Mawr and I've gone to live with Harmony's family. I love horses. The simple lifestyle. And I feel very comfortable with strict gender roles.
FN: Oh my gosh. My baby---- giving up a career in mathematics to live in the 19th Century!!! What can I do?
(BRIDGE)
GK: Children may disappoint you with their choices in life, but there's no need to let it make you unhappy. If your child drops out of college, simply spend that money on yourself with a luxury Caribbean cruise (BOAT HORN) aboard Potentate Lines. A year's tuition will pay for 21 days of sybaritic comfort as we cruise the turquoise waters off the West Indies, St. Thomas, Grand Cayman (STEEL DRUM) ---- and we carry guilt counsellors to help you with your regrets. Potentate Lines. Sign up now. (SURF, GULLS) Superior cabins with balcony, Jacuzzi, complimentary liquor, and your own personal massage therapist. (FN WOMAN BASQUE) Let the kid drop out and pursue an alternative lifestyle ---- you join us on Potentate Lines. (DRUMS)
FN: Butter churner? For butter?
SS: Yeah. Duh. And since its fall, all she does is "stock up for winter." Which means she basically puts things in jars on our shared bookshelf and there's no room for my Psych textbooks. I totally can't work by tallow-candle light. And I am sick of waking up to the smell of corn pone frying on our hotplate.
FN: Have you talked to your Resident Assistant about this?
SS: Dad you won't believe it she has this sod bed that reeks and she uses a chamber pot. We have indoor plumbing like five feet away. And Becky has this stupid rifle --
FN: Rifle. She has a rifle!
SS: Yeah, for game -- mostly campus squirrels.
FN: Ok, Susan. No one should have a gun in a dorm.
SS: Oh, once she field dressed a groundhog on the quad, and turned out to be a fraternity's mascot.
FN: Are you kidding me?
SS: No, she made laces out of it, Dad!
FN: You need to get out of there. Go tell your RA and you just . . . just go to the Student Union and wait there for me and we will move you to another dorm. I'll be there in about 5 hours.
SS: Can you come tomorrow, dad? Becky was going to show me how to melt down lead to make musket balls.
(PAUSE)
FN: See you in five hours-
SS: Yeah, that sounded crazy when I said it out loud. Bye!
SFX HANG UP