GK: .....after a message from the Convent of St. Corinne. (GOAT HERD)
GK: My daughter and I are very close as you know if you've ever seen us together.
SS (TEEN): O daddy my daddy my daddy---- Forgive me if I am interrupting your important work, but daddy ---- I feel that a few hours a day are not enough to be with you and to absorb your wisdom and --- could we take a long trip, en famille, say three or four months ---- hiking or biking ---- perhaps to the Andes ---- and eat native dishes and sleep outdoors----
GK: It wasn't always like this. She used to be a typical teenager.
SS (TEEN): I hate you. Don't look at me! Don't tell me what to do!!! I don't want to eat that food! You won't let me use the car?? Okay. Whatever. I'm going to my room. (DOOR SLAM)
GK: We went to a child psychologist.
TR: I think if we explore her issues and work out some compromises and find appropriate ways to channel her anger into constructive projects -
GK: Dr. Noonan?
TR: Yes?
GK: Do you have teenage children?
TR: Yes, I do----
GK: Did this work with them?
TR: No, it did not.
GK: I thought not. (SAD CHORD) And then I heard about the Convent of St. Corinne. It's in northern Minnesota, near Cross Lake, and it's operated by Carmelite nuns. (LP SINGS: Benedictus, Laudate. Gratias.) At St. Corinne everything is in Latin and that changes everything, so instead of---- (SS TEEN: I hate you. Leave me alone) your child says (SS TEEN: Odi te. Relinque solum. Quidquid.). "Quidquid" means "whatever". Very different. (SS TEEN: Quidquid.) And there are rules and if they are not followed, then she will not take meals with the others, she will sit in her cell and eat cornflakes. (MUNCHING CRUNCHING) And your child will work with goats. (GOATS) When teenagers work with animals, they learn patience and they learn to endure tedium. Milking small goats is tedious. (SFX SS HUMMING) And so is making cheese ---- stirring the milk as it thickens (SQUORTSQUORT) and coagulates into curds --- stirring hour after hour (SQUORT SQUORT) and complaining (SS TEEN: Haec est miseria) ---- and it gives your teenager a new perspective (SS TEEN: Et nunc video) and at St. Corinne's "video" does not mean video, it means understanding. And when the child achieves understanding, she is given a piece of caramel (LP: Hic est caramel) and in a convent this small pleasure is enormous. (SS TEEN: Caramel. Awesome. Total jubilate.) and so your teenager returns to you with appreciation for small things. (SS TEEN: Wow. Clean socks. A bed. Asparagus. A book of poems. A piece of chocolate.) and her education is complete.
The Convent of St. Corinne (GOATS) ----
(LP SINGS: Pax vobiscum, but make sure to frisk 'em.)