(WESTERN THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Trailblazer Table Napkins...brighten up mealtime out on the dusty trail with festive dinner napkins from Trailblazer. No matter what you're serving ---- squirrel, possum, groundhog or fried cactus, Trailblazer Napkins makes everything nice and cheerful.....and now, here's today's exciting adventure..... (BRIDGE)
GK: Dusty and me, we got ourselves a job at the Minnesota State Fair, running one of the big parking lots.
TR: Yeah, drivers are pretty much like cattle except not quite as bright, so we used extreme techniques to get them to do what we wanted.
GK: And we were able to move them right along but the Fair got complaints.
SS (FLEXNER) You did a fine job, gentlemen. Usually it takes an hour to empty the lot after the grandstand show and you got it done in eight and one-half minutes.
TR: Thank you, ma'am.
SS: But maybe you shouldn't yell at people and refer to them as "pesky varmints" ----
GK: Okay.
SS: These are paying customers. And taxpayers.
GK: Yes, ma'am. Point well taken.
SS: And shooting your pistols in the air is probably unwise.
GK: We will be more careful in the future.
SS: I'm afraid there won't be a next time. We're
transferring you to the Midway. (STING)
GK: So we tried the Midway. (VOICES OF PASSERS-BY. SFX: BB GUNS, ROLLER COAST, BARKER "Heya heya heya check it out. She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile." CALLIOPE) Dusty worked the horse race and liked that okay.
TR (DUSTY): Okay, folks, pull your triggers at the sound of the bell. It's water racin' water chasin' time. Come in, come in and win folks. Just aim your gun in the center. Watch watch watch, I'm gonna show you how to do it. That's all folks, aim at the center and it's anything in the house. You pick it out. (BELL) And they're off and seven's got the lead on eighteen and twelve's coming up strong, nine's still behind. Six is playing tricks. Who's it gonna be? Keep them balls rolling. Keep them horses strolling. (DINGS) He done it, he won it. Go shopping, kid. Anything on the lower shelf. Who wants to get in the game?? Put your money down, let's go to town. Nothing to it, anyone can do it. Be a winner and win a chicken dinner. (VOICE CONTINUE, IMPROV)
GK: Meanwhile I took tickets with a man named Ricky. Though someone else called him Junior.
DR: Most of us who work on the Midway rides are wanted criminals. You can tell that by the fact we wear tattoos. I taught third grade for six months and one day I took the children down to the boiler room and tied them up and stuffed hankies in their mouths and for that I was sent to a mental hospital but managed to escape and then I worked the Tilt-A-Whirl. Sometimes I saw those kids whirling around and I thought to myself, Wonder how much centrifugal force they can take? That's when they took me off the ride and put me in the ticket booth. (BRIDGE)
GK: Lot of interesting characters at the Fair, people you might never meet in the normal world. Like JoAnn.
SS (ROUGH, SMOKER VOICE): I was a grad student in medieval history at Yale University and my thesis was on "The Erotic Aspects of Carnival" so I came to work here as research ---- working in the corn dog booth --- stick the wiener on the stick, dip it in the dough, stick it in the deep fat ---- you get like a machine after awhile, you dream about it all night. Corn dogs is what turned me into a vegan. Yeah, I never touch meat. Turned me against men too. Dropped out of Yale and moved into a trailer and I just go from show to show. After this, go down to Missouri and then Texas. Corn dogs. That's what I do. Corndog Girl. That's what they call me. And guess what ---- there is no erotic meaning in carnivals. None. I oughta know. (BRIDGE)
GK: The fair and carnival world is its own world. People stay in it their whole lives.
TR (GERMAN): I have worked at the beer garden for forty-seven years. I learned about beer from my father. He taught me that it's all the same. Budweiser, German, Czech, itty bitty breweries, big factory breweries. No difference. As we say back home, (GERMAN SENTENCE).
GK: Lager? Porter? Stout?
TR (GERMAN): It's all beer. People want an import, I put it in a fancy glass, but it's all Hamm's.
GK: I thought Hamm's went out of business.
TR (GERMAN): Nope. Just changed names. Summit, Coors, Harp, Heineken, Leinenkugel, it's all Hamm's. They ask for Guiness, I put in a tablespoon of black molasses. Never a complaint. Forty-seven years.
GK: No complaints?
TR (GERMAN): I said, NEVER A COMPLAINT. NEIN! NOBODY EVER SENT BACK THE BEER. (GERMAN SENTENCE). (BRIDGE)
GK: And then there was Lucille. She was a trick rider in the rodeo, or had been, before she broke her back doing a triple somersault on a galloping Palomino under spotlights. Then she became a rodeo singer.
AO: So---- you going to stick with carnival work or you going back to being a cowboy?
GK: I don't know, darling. Life on the trail is so harsh. It makes you lonely and at the same time, makes you unattractive. A cruel irony. Looked at myself shaving this morning and I look like I was embalmed and it wore off.
AO: I think you're very earthy looking. I like men with bushy eyebrows and nasal hair. Men with a used look about them. Men who've been broke in.(BRIDGE)
GK: She and I entered the State Fair Duet contest with a song she wrote. I think she was sweet on me though she had a boyfriend named Alvin. He had a bird act, he did eight shows a day.
FN: Okay. Gotta go, hon. (PARROT: Okay, gotta go hon.) Shuddup. (PARROT: Shuddup.) You don't shut your mouth, I'm gonna spit in your eye. (PARROT: Okay, spit in my eye.) What's for supper tonight?
AO: MEATLOAF!!!! (PARROT: Meatloaf.)
FN: I'm warning you. (PARROT: I'm warning you.) One more peep out of you and I'll fly you to the moon, mister. (PARROT: Peep.) Very funny. (PARROT: Thank you.)
(BRIDGE)
GK: It was a good song but too good for the judge, an old battleaxe named Mrs. Swanson.
TR (LADY): Contestants No. 13 ---- take your places. State the title of your first number.
AO: It's called "Cowboy's Reverie."
TR (LADY): "Cowboy's Reverie." This is supposed to be a love song, you know.
AO: It is. Really.
AO/GK (SING):
You, who are on a horse, must ride of course,
across the prairie
With guys, with shifty eyes,
you hope your daughters do not marry
Teach, your children they, should try to stay,
up on the saddle,
And not, to drink the water, that is downstream,
from the cattle.
Tell them always wear a grin,
and don't spit into the wind
And try to stay away from gin,
and stick with orange juice.
And you, of tender feet, must take the heat,
the rain and blizzards,
The snow, the woes and cares, the grizzly bears,
the snakes and lizards.
Teach, the sheriff well, so he can tell good guys
from bad guys
The bad, ones wear black hats, and often masks,
up to their eyes,
When you ride into a town, bring a smile,
not a frown,
And make sure to buy a round,
and stick with orange juice.
(PENALTY BUZZER)
TR (LADY): The judges have decided this is not a love song. Next contestant, please! Step down. Thank you.
(BRIDGE)
AO: I thought we sounded good together, Lefty. Maybe we oughta form a duo and go on the road.
GK: Likewise. But if we did that, we'd have a schedule to keep and I haven't kept one in forty years. To have to be somewhere on a particular day ---- it'd drive me crazy. I'd think about it for weeks in advance.
AO: Maybe alcohol would help. Good steady hard drinking. It's got a lot of musicians through it.
GK: I'm too old for that sort of experimentation, darling.
AO: Think about it. Alvin's looking for a new act, aren't you---
FN: Can you drive the truck? (BIRD: I can drive the truck.) Shuddup. (BIRD: You shuddup.) We do twenty towns in September, so---- ( BIRD: We do twenty towns in September.) You want a knuckle sandwich, birdbrain? (BIRD: Give me a knuckle sandwich.) I'll give you a knuckle sandwich. (BIRD: Oh yeah. Then who's going to sing "What A Wonderful World"?) I'll find someone, don't worry. (BIRD SINGS: I see trees of green, red robins too.....) SHUDDUP.
GK: I don't think so, sweetheart. But thanks for the offer.
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by Trailblazer Napkins. Join us again in the near future for another exciting western adventure. (WHINNY)
(MUSIC OUT)